pretty brown eyes (a 3rd part to 'boyfriends ^^' but it's better grammar!!!)

chapter 11: i am not dying.

  "You know," Jordan kicks her feet. "I think that kissing Zoey should count as my first kiss."
  "Zoey? Is that the girl's name?" I ask.
  "Yeah. She actually got a salad, and I was worried it was because she didn't want to make a bad impression! But then I got scared and I got a salad, too, so I didn't seem greedy-"
  I chuckle. "You sound like you really like her."
  "She's just.. she's so sweet." Jordan giggles, fidgeting with Mom's ring. The only thing that didn't burn on Mom's body on the fire.
  "Who's sweet?" Noah opens the door of the bathroom, a towel around his waist from showering. I blush and look away. He showered because my saliva was all over his dick only an hour ago.
  "First, go put some goddamn pants on." Jordan rolls her eyes. "No one wants to see you like that." She looks at me, which I can feel my face heating up. Seeing Noah like that reminds me of what we did. Oh my god, I'm never gonna look at that table the same again. Jordan sighs. "Well, I don't want to see you like that."
  Noah shrugs, grinning at me before backing away to our room. I let out a quiet giggle before looking back at Jordan. She's annoyed, so my smile goes away and I clear my throat. "Go on."
  Jordan rolls her eyes before continuing, "When we went to dinner, she wore this pink dress with pink heels and she had braids in and she's just so sweet! She offered to pay, but I could not allow that. I swear, when I'm her girlfriend, I'm gonna spoil her and.." I laugh softly, listening to Jordan's continuous rambling before her voice cuts off. "Oh, also, I had to get my keys, and Noah was acting weird.."
  I blush, clearing my throat again. "He.. was?.."
  "Yeah. He sounded so urgent for me to leave."
  I laugh nervously. I know that the chances of her knowing are low, but my anxiety is peaking. "How.. um.. odd.."
  Jordan squints her eyes at me, her eyebrows furrowed. I'm crossing my fingers in my mind that she doesn't think I was under the table, which, I was. Why would she think that far? I'm overthinking. But doing that was so risky..
  "Are you okay?" Jordan asks. "Did anything bad happen?"
  I let out a sigh of relief, shaking my head. "No. I'm fine." I must've jinxed myself at that moment, because I just start coughing like shit, which is painful as hell for my throat. Jordan rolls her eyes.
  "No you're not."
  I shrug, putting my arm back to my side. "Just a cough."
  Jordan's eyes follow my arm, her voice catching in her theoat as if something's wrong. "No.. Not just a cough." I look down, the same arm I covered my mouth with splattered with blood. I gag and Jordan stands quickly. I'm surprised she didn't get dizzy from standing so fast. Wait. Focus. I'm bleeding. "I-I'll go get a towel!" She runs off to the kitchen.
  I stare at the blood, and, fuck, not again. The sight of my hand and arm covered in blood reminds me of the thing I've been told isn't my fault. I shake my head, close my eyes, and calm my rapid breathing. It's just blood, Jayden. It's just blood.
  Jordan comes back with a wet hand towel. I'm shaking and she can tell. She sighs, her voice suddenly softer.
  "Hold out your hand, Jayden." I listen, holding my hand out, my hands trembling. She takes the back of my hand, the side not bloody, and wipes my arm off. She looks up at me, but I don't her. I stare at my hands. My pathetic hands that are trembling just because I saw some blood. She notices that I'm shaking, and she sighs. "You're going to be okay, Jayden." She's trying to be comforting, but it sounds like she's annoyed. Maybe I'm overthinking. Or maybe I sound crazy and she doesn't know what to do.
  I repeat her words, "You're going to be okay, Jayden," in my head, trying to believe them. 
  But he said the same thing when he lost consciousness in front of me: told me I'd be okay.
  Shit.
  He didn't even die, so why am I panicking?
  I mean, I assumed he died.
  He wasn't breathing.
  He wasn't...
  Yes he was.
  My breath gets caught in my throat, and now I'm hyperventilating like some schizo and I hate it. I can feel my heart pounding against my chest.
  Am I dying?
  I was bleeding.
  And I was bleeding out of my mouth.
  Oh my god, I'm going to die.
  I can't control my breathing because I am going to die.
  Does she think I'm crazy?
  I'm literally going to pass out.
  Why am I thinking so much?
  Jordan cups my face in her hands, making eye contact with me, my eyes threatening to let out a waterfall of tears. She sighs. "Please calm down.."
  I push her hands away. "I can't!" Instead of running off, which I'm too weak to even do, I lean back against the couch, my hand over my chest, feeling my rapid heartbeat, and close my eyes. I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying. I don't want to die. I don't wanna fucking die.
  "Do you need me to go get Noah?" Jordan asks, her voice softer than before. She grabs my hand. I shake my head and pull away.
  "Get me for what?" Shit. He must've heard her. He can't see me like this. I'm about to cry, I'm breathing like I'm on life support, and I feel like I'm going to die all because of some goddamn blood.
  Blood. Damn it, Jayden!
  I keep my eyes closed and start crying, whispering, "I'm dying," on repeat.
  I hear Noah ask Jordan, "What the hell happened?" He's in front of me. I don't open my eyes. I'm focused on myself; I feel nauseous. My heart wont slow down, and neither will my breathing.
Jordan answers, "He coughed up some blood and then he started panicking." Now I feel even more pathetic. I'm panicking because I saw some blood and then my heart got all crazy and now I think I'm going to die.
It's unreasonably reasonable. I open my eyes a little, seeing Noah wave off Jordan as he kneels in front of me. She quickly runs to her bedroom. I close my eyes again. I don't wanna die. Noah sighs, "Jayden, dear, you don't have to look at me. You don't even have to open your eyes." He grabs my hands and squeezes. I squeeze them back, nodding slowy. "But listen to me, alright, love?"
I nod again. He continues, "It is not your fault. I am alive. I'm sitting here, in front of you. Your eyes are closed, so you can't see me, but I promise, my baby, I am here. I never died. I never..EVER..blamed you. I love you. You are healthy. You are not dying. You are panicking. You are panicking, and that's normal. You've been through a lot. You weren't shot in the lungs, or any organ at that, just muscle. You will be okay."
It's like he knew my exact thoughts. No, he did know my exact thoughts. It's like he could hear them—that's better. I nod again, listening carefully. The tears have run dry and my heart stopped it's thumping in my chest. Maybe this panic had just passed over time, but Noah helped me. I take deep breaths, squeezing his hands with my eyes still closed.
"You're okay.." he repeats. And, instead of just doing it, he asks, "Am I okay to hug you?"
I nod and he stands up, pulling me into his arms and hugging me tightly. I push my face in between his neck and shoulder, squeezing him tighter than he is me. I grasp his black t-shirt on his back, those tears vaguely coming back.
I am not dying.