pretty brown eyes (a 3rd part to 'boyfriends ^^' but it's better grammar!!!)

chapter 5: alive

"Noah, Noah, Noah! Come on, man!" Parker yells with little nervous laughs. He's scared of his brother. "No need to be so violent, now, i-is there?"
I'm choking on a sob that's not even happening. I feel like I'm going to cry, but for the first time, nothing comes out. I back up a little more; I'm now leaning against the wall. I can't back up anymore. I pinch myself and feel it. I'm awake.
"There isn't?" Noah asks Parker, laughing slightly in disbelief, "you tried to kill my boyfriend, and I'm violent? I'm not the one who's dedicated the last 4 or so years of his afterlife trying to kill someone my brother loves! You think I'd be c-calm right now?! He's just trying to live his life, you fucking psycho!"
"Just calm down!" Parker tries pushing Noah off of him. But instead, Noah takes the knife from Parker, pushing it against his neck threateningly.
"I'm not giving you another warning," Noah whispers. Blood faintly falls from Parker's neck. "Touch him again, and I'll make sure you die a second time. Do you understand?"
Parker nods. I cover my mouth and lean against the wall, watching as my head is a jungle of thoughts; how is he alive? How is he standing there, threatening his brother for hurting me? Why is he not confused himself? Was Parker that voice I heard yesterday? Was he trying to kill me again? Or show me Noah?
"I said do you understand? Say it out loud, you fucking prick."
And yet, I can't help but be amazed by how much someone who I remember to be so caring and comforting is defending me, ME, so protectively. I've never seen the genuinely protective side of him.
"I.. understand.." Parker mumbles.
"Louder." Noah presses the knife against Parker's neck harder, the bleeding getting worse. I wince. "Louder, or your head will be on a fucking museum shelf."
"I-I understand!" Parker says, louder this time. For the first time, he seems worried. I almost am, too. Noah nods and stands up once Parker speaks, keeping the knife. Parker, too, stands up, catches his balance, and immediately runs out the door stumbling.
My breathing is heavy. My mind is flowing with hundreds of thoughts. What the fuck? What the actual fuck? He died. He died. I checked his pulse.
No.
No I didn't.
I never checked his pulse.
Noah comes to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. "I-I was so worried. Are you okay?!" His hands move down to my waist, as if checking for injuries. He sees my bandaged-up, uncovered chest, and I can see his worry grow.
But I could care less right now. I'm just wondering on how the boy I watched die is standing here in front of me, as if he didn't die at all. As if I didn't watch him die.
Who said he died?
He was bleeding, of course he..
I think back, remembering as I watched him close his eyes, remembering putting my hands on his face. I remember both his hands being completely kimo. I remember pulling him off my lap to move away.. he layed on his back, his hand falling to his side only when I was too far away for that tight grip to stay on my sleeve.
My sleeve.
He had a grip on my sleeve when I moved away, but he didn't when he closed his eyes.
You've gots to be kidding.
"I'm dreaming," I whisper. I can't believe the boy who's death I've put the blame on myself for is standing in front of me as if he doesn't even know it's been six goddamn months. And I can't believe I've been grieving a boy who never even died.
I should've checked his breathing.
Noah chuckles, "No, my love, you're not dreaming. I'll explain everything soon enough. Are you okay?"
I pull noah into a hug. "I watched it.. you died.. I'm.. so stupid.." And I finally start crying, with my face buried in his shoulder. I'm holding him tightly, my hands grasping the back of his shirt as if when I let go, I'll lose him again. And when I do lose him again, it'll be all my fault again. I can't let that happen. I sob hardly, and even though I've cried over this boy every night, I haven't let out this much since I saw those perfect brown eyes close.
  "No, no, no... I'm right here. I never died. I am RIGHT here. Okay? I'm here.. It's hard to explain, but I'm completely alive. I promise you. I just needed.. time. I don't know. I'm so sorry. I'll never leave your side again, my dear."
I only nod. My face is buried into his shoulder, except for my eyes, which are soaked with tears.
"Jay?" Noah whispers. Jay. I'm always called Jayden now. I guess Jay is childish to me now.
"Hm?" My breathing is shaky.
"Are you okay? I promise he won't hurt you a-again. If he does, I swear to god, hes gonna be more dead than before."
I nod, (why do I nod so much?) sniffling and letting out a little catch-my-breath sigh. "I'm.. okay.."
  Noah's worry fades slightly and he smiles. He lifts my head and cups my face in his hands, just smiling at me. He looks at me with those eyes he always used to. "I missed you, my love, so much." He wipes my tears with his thumb.
  That makes me cry a little more, but I smile through soft sobs. "..I-I missed you too.."
  "Jayden? I got..." Jordan stops in the doorway of my room. "..Ah." Ah? AH? Seriously?
  Noah takes a step away quickly, and I wipe my tears. He glances down at my still shirtless body, and he takes off his short-sleeved shirt that's layered over his long-sleeved one, handing it to me. I giggle through more sobs and put it on, standing close to him. My pinky interlaces with his and from there I hold his hand.
"..Hey." Noah waves to Jordan awkwardly. I feel him squeeze my hand. They've always been awkward to each other, like some friends who don't need to understand each other because they just know how they are.
"..Hi." Jordan waves back.
See? She's acting like she hasn't missed him. I know she has. She sighs and walks up to Noah, giving him a hug. I've never seen them hug, and it's pretty wordless, but it's obvious they both mean it. She looks at me afterwards. "Oh.. um, Jayden, your medicine."
  She hands me a clear bag containing two different amber bottles full of pills. 'ANTI-DEPRESSIENTS' and 'ANXIETY PILLS.'
  Noah's eyes read the bottles fast as I set them on my nightstand. Jordan leaves the room and closes the door.
  "..Parker did do that, didn't he?" Noah gestures to my chest.
  I hesitate. "The bandages?"
  "..Yeah."
  "No." I want to just leave it at that, but Noah deserves an explanation. He really, really does; I don't have the guts to lie to this boy. "The last he hurt me was when.. that happened. Six months ago."
  "..Six months ago?" Noah's voice is dripping with absolute confusion.
  "..Yeah? It's, like... October." I pause. "Did you.. think it's been less?"
  Noah shakes his head. "I.. I thought it.. I thought it's only been a few days.."
  I chuckle, "And you didn't notice my hair?"
  Noah's eyes go to my hair, and he laughs softly. He suddenly cups my face in his hands and stares at my hair, the brown with blonde streaks, playing with it. "It's blonde again."
  I giggle and nod. I love him so much. He smiles and kisses my forehead, before taking a deep breath, his smile fading as he seems to finally understand what has happened to me. He keeps my face in his hands as he glances down at me, then back at my eyes.
  "..Did you do this to yourself?"
  I hesitate again. "..I was drunk."
  Noah nods in response, visibly worried for me. "...Will you.. do it again?"
  I shake my head. "No way."
  Noah smiles, a smile full of relief, and holds both my hands, looking down at them with our faces close. He notices my wrists. "..And what about those?"
  "I.. I'll.. I'll try," I whisper.
  Noah bites his lower lip anxiously and nods again. I can tell he's trying not to say more; he wasn't here to stop me, so maybe he can't let himself get mad at me. I'd let myself be mad at me if I were him; I feel like I deserve some more lecture than I've been given. I think I deserve a lot more than I get. "Okay..."
  He kisses the tip of my nose before kissing me directly. I kiss back, wrapping my arms around his neck and getting on my tippy toes, though he's not much taller than me. I love him. I don't care how much I'll say it.
My boyfriend is alive, and I love him.