pretty brown eyes (a 3rd part to 'boyfriends ^^' but it's better grammar!!!)

chapter 8: blame

I guess I fell asleep when I was drunk. Was I drunk? Shit. I have no idea. Either way, Noah is here with me as I'm in his lap, setting down his phone as he notices me move.
  I mumble some random ass sleepy noise and hug Noah, my arms lazily clinging around his neck with my face hidden. "...Time.."
  I don't wanna use full words; stating the subject I want is enough.
  "About 5."
  "..Oh..."
  Noah nods, and I expect him to laugh or even smile, but he doesn't. "..Jayden?"
  "Yeah?" My voice is quiet; I've slept a lot lately yet I'm still exhausted. I also feel a little sick, but I'll get over it soon. There's point in bringing more attention to myself.
"Are you okay?"
I hesitate. Why is he asking that? "Yeah. Of course I am."
  Noah shakes his head and grabs me by my chin, lifting my head. His eyes are full of concern, and I don't kkow why. "No one can be okay after everything that happened. Please, baby. Be honest."
Oh. That's what this is about. "I'm fine," I mutter and stand up, yawning and putting my black beanie over my messy hair. I really need to get my hair cut. Jordan said I'm growing a mullet. My back is facing Noah now as I look in the mirror, fixing my shirt. I can see him in the reflection behind me, and he's staring at the floor hesitantly. I can tell he wants to say something. I don't want to hear it. I'm scared it's bad.
  "..I tried telling you something while you were drunk," Noah finally says.
  "Tell me again, then."
  Noah takes a deep breath. "I don't blame you."
  I don't answer for a while. My back is still facing him, and I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I sigh and my eyes go down to my hands. They're shaking. I mean, like Jordan said, I'm always shaking. I breathe in slowly before asking, "For what?"
  "You know what."
  He's right. I do know what, and even if I don't want to talk about it, I know I need to.
  "It is my fault," I mutter, as if I don't want him to hear it. In the back of my mind, these hands I stare at are splattered and smudged with the mix of Noah's blood and my own.
  "No, it's not, Jayden."
  "No, it is my fault!" I turn to look at him, wiping my hands on my shirt even though there's, in reality, nothing on them. That's probably the first time I've ever raised my voice at my boyfriend. I feel like crying. Screaming, even. But I can't do that to Noah no matter how upset I am. "I-I was being so fucking weak and I was too scared to do anything to stop Parker myself. You.. you did what you did because I'm a fucking wimp, Noah! I know, I was hurt, but I didn't even try to fight back! I just.. watched him hurt me! All because I was too scared to hurt him! And when I didn't, I got hurt and I made you hurt yourself for me! I-I didn't even deserve it!"
  Noah listens without interrupting, and I finally start crying. "I'm sorry," I whisper. I cover my mouth and try to wipe my tears, but they just don't stop. I've never felt so pathetic; standing here crying my eyes out in front of my boyfriend.
  "Come here." Noah holds his arms out. I grab his hands and he pulls me in close, onto his lap again; he knows I love sitting on his lap. It made me feel better, just a little. He puts his hands around my back and hugs me tightly as I cry. "I will never blame you, Jayden. I love you. I'd do anything for you. Okay? It's not your fault. And you did deserve it. You didn't deserve to be hurt, and the fact that you were too worried to hurt someone trying to hurt you proves that."
I sob into his shoulder, hugging him back just as tightly.
  "You're stronger than you think, Jayden," Noah continues, "You've been through a lot, and you're sitting here healing. You're getting better. You haven't hurt yourself lately, you're trying, you're smiling more... You're going to be okay. I promise you. You're going to get better, and I'm not letting another thing get in my way of loving you. I will always love you. Okay? You're too sweet to be so hurt."
I whisper in a trembling voice, "I-I love you too." What else do I say? That's the best thing I've ever heard and I'm unable to even get out many words.
He hugs me tightly and kisses my forehead. "Now.. you wanna go get ice cream?" he asks as he wipes those tears I called pathetic off my face. I giggle and nod. It's always ice cream.
"Well, quit that crying, and lets go!" He stands up with me in his lap, now carrying me.
"Noah, wait, not right now! Let me go!!" I laugh.
Noah laughs back. "Nope! I'm dragging you to my car!"
"I look like shit right now!"
"You're fucking adorable!"
He opens the door to his car—which we kept after he 'died,' but I didn't want to use in replacement for my broken car because it's his—after getting outside and puts me in the passenger seat. I'm still giggling. He gets in the drivers seat and starts the ignition.
"Seriously," he chuckles, "you're still perfect."
I roll my eyes and shrug.
"What was that? Are you doubting me?" Noah starts driving.
"Mhm. Possibly."
Noah groans dramatically. I giggle more and look out the window. The sun is going down at 6:30. I mean, that's kinda how the time works when it's almost November.
We're both just kinda quiet, until Noah finally says, "the sunset is pretty."
I agree, "Yeah. It is."
I feel Noah's hand move to my thigh, holding with a slight grip. My heart starts racing.
Noah grins as he drives with now one hand. "Your thighs are trembling. Kind of an odd place to be trembling, don't you think, love?"
I hesitate. "You're just.."
He chuckles, and his hand moves a little higher, laying on my inner thigh; I absolutely panic inside. My breathing hitches and I look out the window, avoiding his gaze.
"..I'll go through the drive through since it's dark," he mumbles. He's blushing himself. It feels tense. REALLY tense. He drives into the drive through, and a girl opens the window. She glares for a moment, but quickly puts up a fake smile.
  "Welcome to Max's! What could I get for you today?"
  Noah laughs slightly and fakely, "Ah, um, a vanilla cone and strawberry swirl."
  The girl nods and turns around, yelling the same order Noah said. "Okay, that should be, umm, nine dollars and twenty-five cents."
  I stare at Noah as he looks in the window. He's such a pretty boy, with his blonde hair that's always so soft, his pink soft lips, his golden brown eyes...
Focus.
Noah chuckles and pulls money out of his pocket, handing the girl the money. She puts it in the register and we wait for a moment. Noah squeezes my thigh for a second, making me blush profusely and look away once again.
  After a few minutes, she hands Noah two cones; he has to move his hand off my thigh to grab both. "Thank you."
  She giggles, nods, WINKS, and closes the window. Noah is obviously confused as he drives out of the drive through and parks on the side.
  I then realize Noah already knew what I wanted; I blush more. "Hey, you remembered what.."
  "I have a boyfriend who's so plain that he only orders vanilla. It's easy to remember." Noah laughs faintly. I giggle back and he hands me my ice cream. Vanilla. Judging by the moment, something comes to mind... I have to say it. I literally have to.
"Yknow, just because I like vanilla doesn't mean I am."
  I watch his face turn a little pink and he seems just a little shaken by my words, yet he's smiling, most likely in disbelief I actually said that. I shrug and lick my ice cream.
  Noah looks at me, noticing that I have ice cream around my lips. How often does that happen? "You always make a mess, Jay," Noah says as he leans forward, his face close to mine, and starts wiping the ice cream off my lips with his thumb. His gaze goes from my eyes—which I don't stop staring up at him with (classic puppy eyes)—to my lips, and then he's suddenly blushing again. He clears his throat and leans back, starting the car again; I realize that his mind probably went somewhere else wiping some damn white stuff off my mouth and blush myself.
  "We.. should.. go.." He whispers anxiously, putting the car into drive.
  Well THAT'S why I felt tension. Noah is horny as fuck right now. And he thought I couldn't tell.