𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐇 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 [slow updates]

𝟒𝟔

CINDY

"...It's still being studied, as far as I know. We don't study it here, but I'm sure you can get a referral if you asked for one."

What?

"What?"

My mom squeezes my hand, and Levin makes a face I've never seen him make before.

"So, the being cold all the time and—"

"Yes. That's been a reported symptom. But I can't really speak on this too much, because again, this isn't my field of... expertise."

So, I don't have Raynaud's syndrome or acrocyanosis, but something new. Something so new it doesn't even have a set name yet. It has about a million, but not one singular one that could describe how exactly my body hates me.

All I know and all this woman seems to know is that it's a heart condition that has very few reported cases, and is unfortunately still being researched. Lucky me! I'm dying.

"Something I can tell you for sure is that it has a low mortality rate, so as long as you're heart healthy and taking care of yourself, you shouldn't have too much to worry about."

"But there was stress on my heart, right? And that put the baby at risk?"

"Yes."

"So, is that going to be a problem in the future for me? I mean, we want more children, and if that isn't an option..."

"Again, I'm not sure about that. I'm sorry."

I want to yell at this woman I've just met because what? Why are you going to come in here and tell me about a condition you know nothing about? Just... Fuck.

I don't say anything else. I can't. There's a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach and a hand in mine, but I've never felt more alone.

Realistically, there is a chance I wouldn't be able to get pregnant in the future. I could, but why would I if the baby wouldn't make it? Pregnancy hormones are insane. My stress levels even when I wasn't thinking about Alexa or Christopher or spilling our secret were so high. And if that stress puts too much stress on my heart and, in turn, stress on this hypothetical future baby...

The doctor keeps speaking at me, but I've already zoned out. There's nothing else I want to know or hear. I just want to sleep. I'm tired and I want to go home. I'm tired and I want to go back in time so I could catch this, change the way this is happening right now.

Levin seems to notice that I'm not paying any attention anymore and says something to the doctor that makes her leave the room.

He rubs his thumb over my palm soothingly. "Are you all right?"

"No." I croak. "I'm... I'm fucking pissed, Levin. Like, if I thought things were bad before, this is worse. This is infinately, unequivocally freaking worse."

We were just talking about our future and I was so excited just thinking about it! Especially the mom part, especially the part where Levin got to be a daddy again by actual blood. There is nothing I've ever wanted more in my life than to be a mom, and yes I am one, but I've never wanted only one. Not that I'm not grateful for my little love, but in my head, it was never going to be one kid.