Removing Her Facade

13

He, Whom I love 

It was then, on our shs graduation day when Jandrik first confessed his love for me. He said that he's willing to wait kung hindi pa ako handa. I was lost for a moment dahil sa biglaang confession niya. I don't know what to feel nor what to say. I was completely black out.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong maramdaman. Should I be happy? Should I be sad? Should I be proud?

Be proud of what?

Of him liking me? Do I deserve it?

I was still in denial at that time. I don't want to accept love knowing that someday it will only be empty words. Walang pinaghahawakang salita.

Pero inaamin ko na nakaramdam akong ng saya at kilig kahit papaano. I guess there is something about me that is still likable. And I really want to know it. I am very much curious about it. Lalo na sa sarili ko.

Hindi ko na gaanong maalala kung ano ang eksaktong detalye sa kung ano ang ginawa niya para magawa ko siyang sagutin. I can still remember how his eyes glistened with happiness when finally I gave him my 'yes'.

It was during my 2nd year in college when he asked me again to be his girl. And by that time, I was busy studying for our finals dahil papalapit na ang semestral break and that's when I feel him avoiding me everytime na makakasama namin siya ni Aubrey sa loob ng campus at maging sa labas din ng campus.

By that time, I was fully aware of what I'm feeling towards him. I know that I like him not because I saw him as my friend but because I saw him as a man that I like romantically.

I am in love with him.

Masaya ang lahat ng sa wakas ay nagawa ko na siyang sagutin. Halos tatlong taon din siyang nag sunog ng kilay para lang makuha ang matamis kong Oo. I was certain that we loved each other without any contradictions.

Kung may tampuhan man ay hindi niya hinahayaang matapos ang araw ng hindi namin ito napag-uusapan. He would not stop bothering me hanggang sa hindi ko siya binibigyan ng kibo. I guess I was a little bit too hard for him kaya ganito na siya kung maka titig sa akin.

When I learned about what really happened with my parents he was there to cry with me, to be mad with me. And when everything is falling apart.

Hindi ko na maalala kung kailan. Kung kailan nagsimulang gumuho ng husto ang buhay ko. When I thought that finally I was healed, tsaka pa lilitaw ang katotohanan tungkol sa kamalian at kataksilan ng nakaraan.

Bakit kami pa ang magpapasan sa pasakit na idinulot ng nakaraan? Bakit kami na tanging bunga lang ng kataksilang ginawa nila ang kailangan magbayad sa mga kasalanan. We were born innocent without any idea kung bakit pa nabuhay.

Who would be happy to be born when later on you will find out that you were a tool of vengeance?

Tumbled chair, dripping saliva, dilated eyes which are looking directly at me. Irresistible noise. Them blaming me. Them accusing me.

Hirap akong huminga ng magmulat ako sa mga mata ko. I felt weak. Masakit ang buong katawan ko ng gumising mula sa pagkakatulog na hindi ko ginusto. I was forced. May itinurok silang kung ano-ano sa akin.

Every time they do it, I just feel dumb.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan pa o kung ilang taon na akong nakakulong sa loob ng puti at bughaw na kulungan ito na tanging bed at electricfan lang ang makikita. May bintana at lamesa nga ngunit hindi ko din naman malalapitan.