opposites attract

childhood

"of course."

i breathe in the smell of grass and elijahs cologne when the wind blows. "do you remember your childhood?" i ask, fidgeting with my fingers. focusing on the playground wondering what it felt like to be a child. a normal child.

"i do." he responds and i break out of thought.

"tell me about it." i grab my sunglasses out of my bag and lay on my back next to him. i put them on and turn my face towards him, away from the sun.

he was quiet for a moment.

"i had a really fun childhood. i don't think i ever told you but i'm an only child so to be honest i was pretty spoiled. my parents were amazing. they were young and full of life. they've always been really into music and they loved going to festivals and concerts. they brought me to every single one. i think i went to my first music festival when i was six. we also traveled a lot."

i smile listening to him.

"i was unconditionally loved by both sides of my family. i still am of course. i was always supported no matter what i did." he pauses.

i grin to myself. his childhood sounded lovely so far. i'm so happy he got to experience that.

"i love my parents. family is everything to me, to us."

although i was happy for him, i felt sad and hurt thinking about my own childhood.

"i remember being an easygoing kid. i never got into any trouble, i just had fun with my friends and family."

i couldn't lie, everything he said i wished i experienced myself.

i could understand where his personality came from. he was so confident in himself and so passionate. i wished to have met younger eli when i was a kid. he probably would've thought i was weird.

"wow," i look away at the trees. watching the leaves move with the breeze. "your childhood sounds beautiful." i bite my cheek.

todays word of the day was beautiful i guess.

i couldn't deny the beauty in everything all around me, i've just been too in my head to recognize it. i needed to get out more.

"yeah...it was. what was your childhood like?" he asked. i knew my question would make it's way back to me.

i didn't like talking about my childhood. i mostly remembered the unpleasant experiences.

there was a part of me that was deeply insecure and hurt. i always felt small in this big world. i felt unworthy and unlovable.

my adolescence was torturous. i never felt like i was enough. not for anything or anyone. my broken relationship with my family left a big hole in my heart. it was a open wound that would forever be unhealed. unhealed until the day i'm face to face with my parents again and can address the amount of pain and trauma they've put me through.

whenever i think too much about my family and my childhood i become consumed by an overwhelming sadness. it's too much for me to bear.

i was quiet for a while. i didn't know what to say or how to talk about it.

this was one of those situations where i had no choice but to communicate. to open up.