Beyond Forever

Chapter 16

November 8, 2015

It's been a day, one small, yet dauntingly long day since I saw Roseanne. I let the bed cradle me into a forgiving embrace because I can't seem to gather the will to get up, let alone face the day. I replay last night over and over, a twisted mantra of misery. I can't believe how much she hates me. As the thought passes my consciousness, I know it's ridiculous that I expected anything different. Of course, she's angry and unforgiving. How could she not be?

It's precisely what I knew would happen three years ago when I walked out on her.

I stare up at the ceiling. It seems nearly impossible it's been so long since I saw Roseanne, so long since I trespassed on her heart. As I think, memories tumble back, reminding me she came to my side when I broke my knee. I've clung to that one moment for a long time, using it as irrefutable proof she still cared about me. However, as time has passed, I'm starting to doubt my conviction. Especially now having seen how raw her anger and pain still is.

It's not going to do any good to lay here and eviscerate myself with past mistakes. I force myself out of bed and slide the athletic brace up my leg and make sure my knee is supported before getting dressed. I'd been right about the damage to my knee. The injury was worse than before, which just means that when I decide to do something, I really go for it. Not only did I shatter the medial end of my tibia, but I transverse fractured my patella, essentially ripping it in half. Then there was the tendon damage compounding it.

So, good times.

I honestly think it's only because of how hard my surgeon tried that I can walk at all.

The crisp New York day is loud and bustling as I head down the street from my apartment. The sun is warm between the clouds. It's actually a beautiful day today, which is great because the weather makes everything more manageable in light of Roseanne's rejection.

It's also a nice reprieve from the rain and my aching knee.

I catch the subway and head into downtown. There's a part of me that imagines passing by the music hall again, just in the off chance Roseanne's hanging around, but I quickly scratch the thought.

I resign myself instead to head to my university, and I wander around, stopping to stare at the medical examiner's office. I remember Daniel. I think about where he is now. The thoughts are distressing because they challenge my resolve to stick to my path. What would happen if I looked him up and called Child Protective Services? Could I save his life? If I did, what would it mean for the choices I've made? What would it do to the world to have him stay in it?

Roseanne would be better equipped to think about these things, she was always the spiritual one between us.

I walk up the street, dodging shadows from small planted trees and putting distance between myself and the thoughts. I don't know if I can pick and choose what parts of life I alter, and what risk there is in changing anything significant.

Before I know it, I've made it to 5th Avenue, and the Empire State Building towers over me. I snap selfies in front of every touristy thing I can find and shoot a string of texts to Jisoo. She responds with a series of hearts.

Of all the landmarks in this city, my favorite is Carnegie Hall. I love that it looks like an unremarkable brick box on the outside, while the most beautiful magic hides inside. It's not pretentious. It's not trying to be anything extraordinary. It's special because it is and I appreciate the sentiment.

I've tried to be better on the inside than the outside, too.

By the time I make it to Central Park, I'm really starting to feel my knee, but I've committed myself to get coffee from the café Roseanne and I used to frequent in our previous life. I'll just get a cup and hang out on a bench for a little while before taking the subway home. It'll give me time to fall in love with this city again, and maybe find another purpose.