Beyond Forever

Chapter 12

TWELVE

April 29, 2011

Roseanne doesn't speak to me, not until we're on the highway back home.

"Are you okay, Jennie?"

"Yeah."

I feel numb, but not. I can't explain what I feel. It makes it that much worse when Roseanne hesitates to touch my hand from the passenger's seat.

"Did she hurt you? I'm so sorry."

"I'll be fine." But I don't know if that's true.

After a bit, she rolls down the window and the cool night wraps me up. I take deep cleansing breaths, trying to push air deeper than air can go to clean how dirty I feel.

I steal glances of Roseanne's hair whipping around her face, and behind her dark eyes, there are so many thoughts, everything I'm afraid she'll ask. When she catches me looking at her, she opens her mouth to speak but doesn't say anything.

What could she say? What words are there to give me now that she knows? Dragged from somewhere deep in my memory, I pull forward the things I've done to compromise myself. The near countless number of times I've been degraded, pile up until I'm so disgusted with myself I don't know what to do. I touch my chest to halt the hurt. It's agony to know I came back too late to stop it.

There's really only a few true regrets I have in my life, and one of them is this. The disappointment I don't talk about, the shame I've carried and wield like a weapon against myself. I'd fooled myself into believing I'd never slept with all of those guys, that it happened in my other life, but not this one.

Roseanne never said it, but I think there's a part of her that always wished I'd waited for her. Or maybe that was my wish, perhaps I'd always wanted to give her my virginity. I know it's not important, but I thought it was possible. And finding out that it's not...that I've let people do things to me, to this body that's was young and good, and wasn't supposed to be ruined like it was before...it's like it's all happening again.

The thoughts bring tears up, and they silently fall.

I'd rather go to therapy for being beaten within an inch of my life than to ever admit again what I let men do to hide my secret.

Especially now that I don't need the façade, now that I know how insignificant my sexuality is in the fabric of my life.

"Jennie, do you wanna pull over?"

"No, I'm okay." Roseanne turns in the passenger's seat to stare at me, and I wipe at my tears.

"I have to ask you something. And I need you to be honest with me."

I sniff and nod slowly. "Okay."

"Is what Jisoo said true?"

"Yes and no."

"Yes and no, how?"

It's hard to find the words, harder still when I can feel her staring at me. "The threesome didn't happen. That's her sensationalizing. But before we met, I had sex with people because it's what I felt I had to do."

"We all have a choice."

The speed she says it with is almost cruel, but I know Roseanne can't understand what it's like. She's always been fearless.

As my silence stretches, Roseanne takes my hand.

"I'm sorry. Help me understand why."

I shake my head, staring into the empty open road before me. There's a part of me that just wants to drive forever. Never stop, just go and get lost in the world.