In Waves | ✔️

63 | romantic redemption

Without another thought, I get out of the bed and I channel the girl whose whole body got jittery every time Matt's name appeared on her phone screen. The girl who pined for years over the beautiful specimen of a boy who now loves her enough to give her another chance.

That girl would prove she loves him so hopelessly that she feels as if she's lost control. She would hand herself over to the boy who actually wants her.

My stomach tweaks when I approach the door. I hear the shower running and I imagine him in there. Then I pull down the handle and I stop imagining. By the time the thickening steam has fully clouded the mirrors, I end up leaving the shower feeling dirtier than I did when I got in, while Matt leaves on a cloud made of soap bubbles.

So much for romance.

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Being in the wintery city and its frosted landscape, it's not hard to slip back into the romance I'm striving for. We stick a lot to Manhattan and upscale sightseeing, flitting between museums and stores in a chauffeur driven car. Well, 'flitting' as much as you can in this traffic. But I know I'm getting the polished version of New York. Matt's New York.

If I was here with my family, we'd be staying in a cramped Airbnb, standing in endless tourist lines, and Derek would restrict us from buying anything frivolous and overpriced. Which Mom would then contradict and gift us an absurdly expensive souvenir like a 'I Heart NY' fridge magnet from Times Square.

After we visit the Levain Bakery and get one of those giant cookies I've wanted since Rachel showed me a photo from a trip three summers ago, we go skating at the Rockefeller Center ice rink. The stories-tall shimmering Christmas tree takes my breath away, even in the light of day.

Being on the ice again takes me right back to the frozen lakes of Colorado. Rob would be playing ice hockey with his friends, and I'd be skating on the edges. That might be the last time Rob was truly a responsible big brother. When he'd look after me, so much so that he got under my skin because I didn't want him treating me like a baby.

He would whack a puck into the goals and simultaneously shout at me to stay off the thin ice. He would leave the game for ten seconds just to help me up when I fell. And at the end of the afternoon, when dusk came and the temperature dropped, he'd wrap his scarf around my neck even though I already had one, and he'd hold my hand over every road we crossed on the walk home.

Thinking about him sends a stab of guilt through me.

"What's wrong, babe?"

I look over at Matt gliding along next to me. He ungracefully maneuvers around a person he's about to slam into, steadying himself and lining up with me again. Ice-skating is the only sport I've ever felt athletically competent in. Next to Matt, maybe even athletically superior.

"What could be wrong when I just found out I'm a better skater than you are?" I twirl around him as he laughs, the crisp air whipping over my skin. "And you know what's weird? I suck at roller skating. I'm only this good on ice."

He eventually catches me, swinging my body into his. "Tell me what's wrong, Lee."

It's not snowing, but tiny white flakes catch and settle on his eyelashes when we stop. I've always loved how the cold makes everything flushed and pink. Cheeks and noses and ears. Lips like his never stood a chance against turning into rosy pillows.

I burrow my hands in his coat pockets. "Skating reminds me of my brother, and I sort of had a fight with him before I left."

"A fight about what?"

About you. About my dad. About things I don't want to think about.

"It wasn't important." I sniff. "I was just... pretty harsh. And I feel bad."

"Yeah? Do you think he feels bad?" His misty breath hangs in the air as I blink up at him. "Obviously I don't know him like you do, but Rob seems like the type who can't handle his own medicine. Dishes it out more than he can take it. I'm sure whatever you said was called for. If it wasn't, he would have sent you a text or something by now, wouldn't he?"

I take out my phone. Texts from Mom and Rachel. Nothing from Rob. If I had been in the wrong, he wouldn't have taken it seriously. He would have sent me something arbitrary just to show me he wasn't angry. But because what I said rang with a cutting truth, he's angry. And Rob isn't someone who succumbs to guilt. I don't think he feels bad at all about what he said to me. For him, it's only about him.

I stuff my phone away. "You're right. He needed to hear it, anyway. It was called for."

"Attagirl." Matt smiles, stretching out his arm to check his watch. "You want to carry on or are you ready to hang up the skates?"

"Why? What else do you have planned?"

He takes my hand, making a start across the rink. "We've got an appointment to catch."

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a/n: okay so I know lia is being super frustrating and I'm sorry! she doesn't have an outside perspective like we do, it's just a natural reaction for her to bury her feelings for nate and overcompensate with matt. watching her convince herself that everything is fine and see guilt driving her decisions will probably make you want to shake some sense into her, but her denial won't last forever.

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