Total Drama World Tour: my dumb self made a self-insert

Chinese Fake-Out

Recap:

Chris: Last time on Total Drama World Tour... Our newlywed couples fell hard for Niagara Falls. With the teams dissolved, alliances were tested. A few tempers, too. Sierra, however, found that the honeymoon challenge was the perfect way to propose to Cody. But fake marrying our new arrival, Blaineley, didn't do Owen much good. Our favorite big buddy was sent home, thanks to Alejandro's sneaky work behind the scenes. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will be... in my hot tub?! The tub is for hosts only.

Blaineley: I'm a host. Watch. Lights, fights, and a whole world of awesome sights. Right here on Total Drama--

Chris: Okay. Out of my tub!

[theme song]

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Duncan: Hey, ex-wifey. Mm! Well, at least something good came out of our marriage. Aw, c'mon, Court. Can we stop fighting already? 

Duncan: [confessional] Don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying the silent treatment, but it's starting to get old. With Owen gone, I lost a vote I could count on. So I figured making nice with wasn't a bad idea. [real time] [muffled grunts as he's stuck in the cake]

Courtney: Done. As long as you stay in there, we can't fight.

Duncan: [muffled grunting]

Blaineley: [over PA] Attention, fellow passengers. Feeling alone in the game? Looking for an ally you can call your very own? Consider joining forces with me. You won't regret it. This promise is not legally binding. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. [to Chef] Have you considered helping out a contestant?

Chef: I never mess with the game, girlie.

Blaineley: Oh, right. You got busted helping DJ last season. Shame, really. Because I have connections in the TV world. And I always thought you'd be great on your own show. Chris is just holding you back.

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Cody: She wants to throw a reception for us when we get home. She wants to get one of those cupcake cakes and spend the whole day smashing icing into each others' faces!

Alejandro: I say it's always best for a husband to indulge his wife.

Heather: Except they're not married.

Alejandro: But they are! I saw it myself.

Heather: There is no marriage certificate, no rings, no paparazzi photos.

Cody: No! That's true. That's true!

Heather: Seriously, you are about as married as Alejandro and I are.

Alejandro: Mi ángel. I know you crave Alejandro like a baked chicken cresmole sauce, but marriage? Ha, aren't you rushing things?

Heather: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ick, ick, ick.

Alejandro: Your mouth says ick, but your eyes say something else.

Heather: They say "barf".

Alejandro: I know they're married only in Sierra's fantasy, but she needs me to say I witnessed it. And therefore, she stays on our side.

Heather: There is no "our side".