The Letter You Didn't Receive

chapter sixteen

All things come to an end eventually. Either the bad or good, the memories are the ones that lock us in the past and there's nothing left to do but to cherish the present and future. That's why it's time to let go. Even if you let go too fast or too slow, you have the end of that chapter and a new one to unfold. Moving on will have obstacles and there is no doubt that anyone would want to leave him in the past—which is why we carry his actions and our memories with him into our lives. Tell our kids about the crazy stories we had with him and how much of a person he was to everyone. Reminisce about him with each other and celebrate his impact. We may not be able to carry him physically, but we can carry him in our hearts even when it hurts sometimes to remember that he's not here anymore.

I would know.

Just like that, he was gone. The feelings are the same—rage, sorrow, envy, sadness, regret, and guilt. But I learned to accept those feelings because I needed to. Letting ourselves feel is the first step to recognize that we need to let go, otherwise I'd be stuck in an endless cycle of heartache and that's not what I want for myself, and I know that's not what he would have wanted for me or for anyone else and I learned that after he died. All those what ifs doesn't mean anything anymore because there is nothing that could ever take his precious life back. But I'd like to take the blame for his death and that is something I need to carry. Sure, I wasn't part of the collision, but I was the reason why he drove that day even though he was sick with a terrible fever. All that effort just went to waste because I was so stuck with my own thoughts that I didn't even want to communicate with him. Ironic, isn't it?

The endless crying got to me because when my dad came home one day, I immediately locked myself in the bathroom. He wasn't drunk and it was wrong timing so he fisted the door for me to get out. When he pressured me to hurry up with all his ushered yelling I couldn't wash my face to clean it up. The tears were going to be noticeable anyways with my bloodshot and puffy eyes so I took the risk and came out with that face. It had been so long since I last saw my dad because I never saw him throughout the day and he'd only come home at night. And when I did come out with my terrible appeal he stared wretchedly at me asking "why are you crying?" and afterwards, he called me sensitive. So that's when I lost it. I yelled at him and spitting that my boyfriend died and it was all because of me. I yelled at him saying "this is who I am!" and that he wasn't helping me at all to cope. He smacked my face hard that my right cheek was inflamed with burning ounces of pain. The rest was history and I ran into my room and locked myself in there.

My mouth was bleeding so as I smiled, the blood stained my teeth for a bit since I had to wait for my dad to get out of the bathroom so I could use it to finally clean myself. I smiled because I was grateful that Pierce never met my dad. He must've been wanting to meet my parents or something because he asked me about my family. Telling him about my dad wasn't the best option and I didn't want him to try and do anything because I knew he would suffer and for once I liked the way things were. Keeping my dad out of my life was the only thing I ever wanted and it worked. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if Pierce found out because I was embarrassed and ashamed to have a dad like that.

Now I stand, in the warm grains of sand that tickle beneath my feet as I take a look of the painted sunset in the sky. Which only ever keeps reminding me of my mom and Pierce. The sunsets play the biggest role to the ones I love even that sunsent during the graduation. The sunset was there for all of them but sometimes I forget that it's about me too. Sometimes I forget to focus on myself rather than hurting every day.

Grandma Angel smiled at me as we stood in front of each other. The others were enjoying the water and running around yelling with laughter and watching them was like watching little goofy kids who had been waiting to have fun again. I smiled watching them.

"Have you been in the water yet?" I asked Grandma Angel and she laughed.

"Gosh no!" as she swatted the air.

"You should really try walking in the water, it feels good." She looked at Murphy who was chasing Briana in the waves and Hagan and Aero wrestle.

"Maybe."

"But before I try it out, why don't I give you something first before I forget," she put her hand in a large pocket of her soft pink cardigan and pulled out a large white envelope with a large hand written lettering of Colette's name.

"I went into Pierce's room to just feel something out of my grandson and I saw this laying on top of his desk. I'm not sure if he forgot to bring it with him or what but I'm pretty sure this is for you. I didn't read it so this is just something between you and him." She handed it to me while my eyes began to tear up as I stared at the white envelope and tried to find the next words to say.

He wrote a letter for me?

"Thank you Grandma Angel," I cried as I hugged her once more. Once I let go she rubbed my arm and sent me another smile with tears in her eyes.