Undercurrent

Chapter 8

"Classic Nina."

"Classic Nina." I nodded solemnly.

We sat for a moment, Mum stroking the back of my hand with hers. "Well," she said. "Do you want to know what I think?"

"Probably not." I smiled reluctantly. "Since I'm assuming it's not going to involve ignoring the problem."

"Afraid not," she said. "Let's start with the art boy."

"Ollie."

"Let's start with Ollie. Text him back. Tell him a time you can do. You can't avoid this one, Nini. It's schoolwork. College work." She'd clearly noticed my narrowed eyes when she referred to it as school. "Come on, you don't have to like the guy, you just have to draw some pictures with him for a bit."

"I don't not like him," I said. "I just don't like that I've made myself look stupid already."

"I'm sure he's forgotten about it already," she said. "If you keep avoiding him though, he's going to wonder why and that might make him think about it more."

Damn. She had a point.

"Fine," I said, my voice suggesting that it was anything but fine. "I'll sort it."

Mum gave me a satisfied nod and looked pointedly at the phone in my hand. Great. She wanted me to sort it now.

I sighed as I tapped out a quick response.

NINA: Does Thursday work for you?

"There," I said to Mum. "Done."

"Not so difficult, was it?"

I didn't answer her. It wasn't that difficult but she didn't need to know that.

"Problem number two, then," she said. "Look at me, Nina."

Her voice had changed now, the light-heartedness of dealing with the Ollie situation had vanished. I met her eyes, feeling a little uneasy about what she was going to say.

"You have spent far too long feeling guilty over what happened with Zach. It's not your fault he's not around. It's not your fault that you didn't get to grow up together. You have to stop punishing yourself."

Realistically, I knew that everything she said was right. It wasn't my fault that he hadn't gone to the same school as me. It wasn't my fault that we couldn't spend as much time together as we had done as kids. That didn't mean I didn't feel bad about it, though. It didn't mean that I didn't feel like I needed to keep myself free to be his best friend.

"You've spent the last six years of your life on hold. And I should have done something about it sooner, really. I just hoped you'd get past it yourself, I suppose. But, and I really mean this Nina," she paused and her eyes took on a steely glare. "I am not going to let you lose any more of yourself to this guilt you've been carrying. It's time to close the door on it. For good."

I took a shaky breath and nodded, tears flowing again. We'd skirted around this conversation several times before but never got quite to the same depths as we were now.

"So here's what we're going to do," she said, her voice softer and her eyes glistening to match mine. "You're going to text Ro and tell her you got your days wrong and you don't have to work that Saturday, so if the offer's still open, you'd love to go. Then, I'm going to drop you down to the beach – don't think I don't know that's where you go to talk to Zach – and you're going to tell him how you feel and how it's been affecting you."

"I can't," I said, gulping back a sob.

"Which bit?" Mum asked.

"Both," I said. "I don't have Ro's number so I can't text her and I don't think I can face Zach today."

I could tell Mum wanted to hold the stern line but her face softened when I said I couldn't face it. "Nini, you can't keep putting it off, you've needed to do this for years, really."

"I know, and I will, I promise. Another few days won't hurt," I said.

"I suppose not," she relented. "And Ro?"

"I've got psychology tomorrow, I'll talk to her then or at least, get her number so I can message her about it."

Mum seemed to be pacified. "Good," she said, standing up. "Right, it's getting late and we've both got to be up early tomorrow. I've got a delivery first thing."

I nodded and she kissed me on the top of my head before heading for the door. I found myself thinking about how bloody lucky I was to have her in my corner.

"Night, Mum," I said as she reached the landing. "I love you."

"I love you too, Nini."