Review Shop - Quotev And Wattpad (CLOSED)

Return of the Youngest Auclair - Detailed Feedback

To summarize, you have an interesting plot mixed with complex topics that are handled in intriguing ways with unique character dynamics that made for a fun read.

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What Didn't Work:

There are some editing errors. While there weren't many major consistent grammar and spelling errors, there were times I felt the chapters could have benefitted from being edited more. For example, from the first chapter, there's this: "We -hicp- forget to say bye to Laurent." The forget should be forgot. Another thing is: "Aiden starts laughing and then starts to think something over in his head." 

That line feels a little awkward. Having the same verb (starts) twice within a few words and also the "something over in his head" is a bit awkward. What I would recommend: "Aiden laughs, then starts to think something over." Or you can be more specific and say what the "something" is if you want. Those are just two suggestions, but I encourage you to play around with it and find what works for you.

I pointed out that sentence for two reasons. One, word choice wise, I would recommend trying to avoid having the same verb (in this case, "starts") in such close proximity to each other, and if you can find synonyms or ways to downsize, then that could be very beneficial. Two, the "in his head" is unnecessary because thinking already means in the head, so repeating "in his head" is redundant.

So there weren't many major grammar errors, but I would recommend maybe spending some more time editing and/or reading sentences out loud. Or using TTS, that works too. I personally use TTS and it helps me with eliminating awkward sentences.

The only two major grammar errors I'm going to talk about here are tense issues and comma errors. There were many times you flip flopped between past and present tense incorrectly. You're writing in present tense, so past tense is used rarely and mostly for things like referring to past events in the story's timeline. Sometimes you'll be talking about something happening in the present but you're using past tense verbs, which doesn't align with the present tense of the story. For example, "Maybe I was too drunk." Cameron is currently drunk in that scene and it is a current thought he's having, so it should be, "Maybe I'm (or I am) too drunk."

As for comma errors, there were many times a comma was needed but wasn't present. For example, "I push myself out of his hold and run right into Aiden pulling him into my arms." There should be a comma before "pulling" and after "Aiden." You do this frequently where you'll have that sentence structure but won't put the comma before the -ing verb. If you're ever unsure about where commas go, I would recommend Grammarly, ProWritingAid, or QuillBot. All three are free grammar editing software that can pick up on comma errors.

Moving into creative suggestions, I would suggest not using all caps. Not only does all caps slow reading speed/are hard to read, but they're also telling over showing and can come off as overdramatic.

I would also recommend slowing down in some areas and giving the audience a chance to feel the scene. For example, chapter 4, the scene where Luke/Cameron gets attacked. I can appreciate it being sudden since it literally is a sudden attack, but we go from a peaceful description to suddenly Camera diving out of the way of a knife. 

That scene was a little confusing because everything was happening very fast. For example, Cameron was running away but also having a conversation with the mafia while running. I forgot he was running because there's casual dialogue, and we're not sure where it's coming from. What is the mafia's position compared to Cameron's?

Maybe you can slow down and have Cameron's thought process shown more to us. Maybe you give us more detail about how he could sense a knife was about to be thrown at him.

Or, another idea is maybe before the knife gets thrown, you have Cameron scanning over the scene and describing things, but feeling like something's off and like someone followed him.

Or maybe during the fight itself, maybe the dialogue doesn't happen until after Cameron is running, then you can say where the mafia's voice is coming from in relation to Cameron's position.

Those are just three random ideas and I'm not saying you should do any of them let alone all of them, but I recommend playing around with scenes like those where there's sudden action so the reader doesn't get confused. I hope that makes sense!

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Summary:

- Some cool descriptions + uses of the 5 senses

- Interesting treatment of homophobia

- Good ending

- Overall interesting plot

- Some editing errors + awkward sentences

- Tense issues + comma errors

- Some creative suggestions (all caps, pacing)

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Overall:

Return of the Youngest Auclair captures the mafia feel Wattpad readers love, and it also gives us a compelling narrative with a solid ending that will keep you satisfied. If you're someone who enjoys mafia stories, especially those with good endings, then I would recommend this book to you!

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