Before She Loved Me

Have It Your Way. Go Be With Aimee

Vanessa

"How dare you?" I burst out; my voice fueled with the chill I felt coursing through my veins.

Matt stared at me wide-eyed, taken aback when I sprang from the mattress.

"What nerve you have to come visit me on Valentine's Day, posing as the perfect boyfriend, only to dump me as soon as you arrive." I planted my hands on my hips as I paced back and forth, muttering about his gall.

"Vanessa," he began, his tone soft. He patted the bed, but I was too angry to sit still. "I'm not saying the break-up is permanent, but for now, I feel as though you would benefit-"

"Don't tell me what you think I need! You're not doing me any favors, Matt." I dropped my head into my hands, the tears burning my lids as I began to sob. "You're only leaving me worse off," I choked out.

Sighing, he stood up and gently grasped my fingers. "V, I love you but try and understand my perspective. Us being together is only making you miserable."

"So, your solution is to hurt me even more?" I scoffed. "Congratulations, Matt. That just may be your dumbest idea yet."

A flare of sorrow sparked in his grey eyes, and he hung his head. Good, let him shoulder some of the burden of my searing pain.

Exhaling, I raised my head towards the ceiling, studying the dingy paint that had once been so vibrant. "You know what? Just forget it. I don't want you here anyways. You obviously aren't who I thought you were."

He stood there gawking at me, his feet unmoving. "What are you waiting for?" I shouted. "For a lightning bolt to come down and strike me dead? To finish off what you started!?" I gave him a forceful shove towards the door. "Go!"

He held up his hands to ward off my pushing. "V, relax. It's not necessary to get handsy."

I could have been rational in that moment. I could have taken a deep breath and counted to ten. Instead, I picked up my pillow from the bed and thumped it across his chest. "I hate you!"

He took a few steps back, shielding himself from my whacks. "Vanessa! Calm down! You're going berserk. If you think about it for a minute then you'll realize-"

Who does he think he is, telling me to calm down? I'm as fucking serene as a monk on a mountain. "You're such a liar," I ground out through gritted teeth. "You swore you would never leave me but the first chance you get to end our relationship, you pounce on it. I know you're only doing this so that you can be single and clear to fuck Aimee guiltfree."

He snatched the pillow from my hand and flung it across the room, his eyes burning with rage. "Is that what you believe? That I'm using your unhappiness in New York as an out to have sex with Aimee?" He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling on the locks. "For fuck's sake, Vanessa, why does everything have to circle around to you being convinced that I would rather be with her? Are you that insecure? None of what I said tonight indicated that another girl was involved in my decision making."

Fuming with an anger so deep that I was trembling, I marched over towards my desk and grabbed the picture of us, smiling and happy. How naïve I was. I hurled the frame at the wall, the glass instantly shattering into dozens of tiny pieces and mirroring the condition of my heart. "I am not insecure! Get out!!"

His mouth fell open but no words came out. What was there left for him to say anyways? He had already more than made his point. Then dragging his hands down his face, he shook his head and groaned. After a moment, he inhaled deeply before swiveling towards the door.

He paused at the knob and glanced over his shoulder. A spark of hope swelled in my heart. Change your mind. Take it all back.

Our eyes locked and he gave me a sad smile. But all too quickly, he turned away and wordlessly slipped out the door.

The sobs that spilled down my cheeks came in heaping waves. "No, no, no," I muttered. "This can't be the end. It simply can't be." I fervently scrubbed my face before bolting into action. Sailing out the door, I caught up to him with ease as he strode down the hallway.

"Matt," I shouted, making a grab for his hand. I tugged at his fingers. "Don't go. I didn't mean any of what I said. Stay. Make love to me."

I pressed my wet lips to his mouth, the salt from my tears mixing with the cinnamon residue of his toothpaste. He threaded his touch through my hair and as he kissed me back, I realized that his eyelids were damp. Our sorrow mixed together until I could no longer tell whose sadness had imprinted itself on my skin.

He took a shuddering breath. "V, I need to leave..."

I clutched onto his waist. "No. Not until we figure this out."

He tried to remove my hands, but I held firm. With nervous laughter, he took a step back as I took one forward as if magnetically bound to him. "V..." he pleaded. "Let go." He nudged me off and when my grasp fell away, I immediately glued myself to his arm.

He gestured at me while he tried to walk away, and I dragged myself along with him. "Vanessa, can't you see that this isn't healthy? You're too attached to me. This is exactly the point I've been trying to make."

"I love you, Matt. What's so wrong with that? Isn't this what you always wanted?" He yanked himself free, but I quickly recuperated by grabbing onto his sweatshirt, unperturbed by the sound of ripping fabric.

"Stop!" he shouted; his grey eyes cold. "I want the kind of love that brings out the best in one another." He pointed at the fistful of clothing that I had latched onto. "Does this seem as though you are excelling right now?"

With a cry, I unhanded him and gave him another shove. "Fine. Then have it your way. Go be with Aimee."

Matt dropped his hands to his sides, defeated. "This isn't how I wanted things to work out between us. I'm sorry." Then with a pivot of his heels, he left me standing in the middle of the hallway, weeping into the fingers that smelled faintly of his cedarwood scent.

He inhaled sharply between his teeth. "Ouch. This hasn't been your year, huh?"

With a tremor from being caught off guard, I swiftly turned in the direction of the voice. Ryan popped his head out from two doors down as he gave me a sympathetic smile. "Sorry. I wasn't trying to spy but I heard yelling and as RA...you know I must investigate."

Nodding with a sniffle, I wrapped my arms around my chest. "I understand," I replied softly, kicking at a scuff mark that marred the tile. "I swear I'm not always a complete mess."

He chuckled lightly. "I understand," he said, echoing my words back to me. "Freshman year of college has that sort of effect on people." He fingered the wood frame around his door. "Would you like to come in? I'm used to being unloaded on. Plus, I have chocolate chip cookies. They might cheer you up."

My lips tugged up slightly. "Thank you for being kind. I appreciate it but I think I'll just curl up beneath my covers and wait for summer break to arrive."

"I think the cookies might hold on until about then." He gave me a warm grin that reminded me there was at least one person in New York that I could lean on just a little.

Taking out a wadded-up tissue from the pocket of my hoodie, I blew my nose. "I prefer oatmeal raisin, but I suppose you have time to rectify your stock situation."

He nodded. "Noted." He began to slip back through the crack in his doorway but paused. "Oh, and Vanessa? Any guy that breaks up with his long-distance girlfriend on Valentine's Day is an asshole. He doesn't deserve you."

Straightening out my shoulders, I took in a steadying breath. Perhaps, Matt had done me a favor after all.