nemesism // spencer reid angst

10 week rule

The room was dark and cold, just like Spencer liked it. The only noise around was coming from the sleeping man beside him, the snores soft but heavy. The feeling was back again. It was too quiet, and when things were too quiet, Spencer's mind tended to make up for the lack of input.

He wanted to roll over, but he was wrapped in Derek's arms. Not that he was complaining, though. He did, however, feel guilty for letting his mind wander to that dark place when Derek was right there. Spencer was angry. Why was he still coming back to this? He had felt much better after talking with Derek, so why was he struggling with suicidal ideation again? Logically, he understood that it most likely stemmed from the conversation with the psychiatrist and the things he stirred up. But even knowing so, he still felt painfully weak. Weak and stupid.

If Derek wasn't here, he would be making his way to the bathroom where his coping mechanism lived. Spencer couldn't tell if the inability to do so was a good or bad thing. But he could still go, he realized. Sure, Derek would be disappointed. Was the disappointment from Derek worth the relief he would feel from hurting himself? He wasn't sure anymore.

Through the racing thoughts in his head, Spencer heard one louder than the rest. It was coming from the very back, where his logical thoughts usually came from. He wasn't used to them being louder than the disordered ones. This time, though, it screamed at him. Screamed at him to wake the man beside him, so he could have someone to ride the urges out with. He probably should. Spencer knew that. Especially after seeing Derek's reaction to finding out about his latest relapse.

"Derek." Spencer whispered and turned to face him, letting out a small sigh of relief when the man stirred.

"Spence?" Derek replied, voice gravelly and deep with sleep.

"Hey." That was all he had to say. Derek knew why he had been woken up.

"What's wrong, baby?" Derek pulled him closer protectively.

"I feel..." Spencer paused. What did he feel exactly? "I feel bad."

"Bad in the 'I feel the urge to do something bad but I don't really want to' way?" Derek's lips ghosted his forehead. It was a simple act, but it sent Spencer to tears.

"Yeah." Spencer sniffled, holding back a sob.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. What can I do?" Derek ran a hand up and down Spencer's arm in a gentle, calming motion. Spencer nuzzled close to Derek, face pressed against his chest.

"I don't know." Spencer huffed. "I just don't want to make you sad or disappointed."

"Oh, Spencer. You are absolutely not making me disappointed. This is a hard road you're going down, and I recognize that it's going to take quite a while to travel it. There's bound to be some bumps on the way, but that's okay. You just have to keep moving forwards. And that's what you're doing now, by talking to me." Derek spoke softly. "If anything, I'm proud of you. I know it's hard to talk about these things and I'm glad you trust me enough to let me in. So no, I'm not disappointed. I'm so damn proud of you. You're so much stronger than you realize."