nemesism // spencer reid angst

.haunted.

 Spencer woke up to the sound of his own heavy breathing and the feeling of his heart pounding in his chest. While he hadn't woken up thrashing and screaming, he had experienced a fairly intense nightmare. The events of the previous day had shaken him and crept into his dreams. Instead of looking at the crime scene photos, he had been inside of them. All of the memories of times Spencer slit his wrists played over and over again, agonizing scenes flashing behind his eyes.

The entirety of Spencer's body was quivering. He was surprised it hadn't woken Derek up considering he was shaking the whole bed. Breathing quickly, Spencer slid out of bed. Derek's arms weren't tightened around him anymore, so it was easy to escape without waking the man.

The intentions of his escape weren't even formulated in Spencer's mind yet; all he knew was that he needed to be somewhere - anywhere - else. His body worked on its own, leading him into the bathroom. Spencer shut the door behind him as quietly as he could before sinking to the ground.

The tiles were cold, too cold. Spencer did his best to control his breathing but was failing miserably. His hands were in his hair and tugging before he even realized it. He was slowly losing his grip on reality. That was when the flashback started.

~~~~

Spencer is vaguely aware that he is tied to a chair and handcuffed, but he is unable to fully comprehend the situation in his post drug-induced sleep. His head pounds relentlessly as he squints open his eyes. He sucks in a deep breath of surprise when he sees Hankel standing in front of him. The only thing he can think is that he hopes Tobias would be the one greeting him.

"Good, you're awake. It's time for you to pay for your sins, boy." Charles growls and Spencer slumps in his chair in defeat. He knows what's coming. Before he can process anything else, he feels a fist collide with his face.

"I'm not- I'm not a sinner!" He whines, pain radiating from the punch. Charles hits him again and again and again, all while Spencer vehemently denies his need to repent for something.

Eventually, the punches become too much, and Spencer loses himself. He realizes as he is losing consciousness that this is not related to the beatings, no; he is losing consciousness because he's overdosing. He can feel himself begin to seize before falling backwards in his chair. When Spencer's back hit the ground, everything went black.

~~~~

Spencer comes out of the flashback in the same spot it began. He was surprised that he didn't wake Derek, given how loud he usually was when these things occur. Surprised, but grateful.

Bones and muscles popped and stretched as Spencer pulled himself up from the bathroom floor. His head was swimming with need; need for escape. What he really, really wanted was Dilaudid, but he could settle for a razor-blade. The only issue - they were on a case. Spencer promised himself a long time ago that he would never allow drugs or self-harm while working a case.

But how else was he supposed to handle his emotions? It was obvious that breathing techniques wouldn't work and Spencer knew that even Derek wouldn't be able to help this time.

The last thing Spencer wanted was a relapse, but he didn't know what else to do. He cringed at the thought. He never liked the word relapse, hated the way it burned his tongue and stabbed at his guts. Spencer hated to admit it, but the reason he disliked the word so much was because he wanted to be able to hurt himself whenever he wanted, without shame, without a word to label it a mistake. Label him a mistake.

Spencer could feel the pressure under his skin intensifying, screaming to be let out. He had a choice to make now, a difficult - but extremely important - one. He could give in, let the pressure out in the best way he knew. Or, instead of destroying himself, Spencer could ask for help. Derek was only one room away and would be happy to help him.