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Cyzinthia & Ur'Bluorg - Detailed Feedback

So when I say the action is interesting, I mean that the action scenes all have unique ideas in them that make them so engaging. When the sun exploded, I couldn't put the book down. The opening scene where the juggernauts invaded is another moment where I couldn't put it down. They're so different from anything I've read, which made me hooked.

I liked the use of onomatopoeia in this story. Having sudden BOOMs and other words like that made for more flair/pop in the writing style. Your author's voice fits the story you're telling, which made it easier to get invested in the book. When you can tell the author is passionate, it makes the readers passionate, too.

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What Didn't Work:

I would recommend spacing out the paragraphs. As is, the formatting shows that the entire chapters are all one paragraph, which means no one can leave inline comments. That discourages readers from commenting. While it isn't necessarily a flaw with the story, I would recommend spacing the paragraphs out to encourage interaction and also make it easier to read.

For example, the paragraphs are written like...
This

Instead of like this. See how there's no space between "like" and "this" meanwhile there is one between "this" and "instead"? It's like you're pressing shift and enter instead of just enter. It's not a big deal, but it would encourage interaction and be easier to read if the paragraphs were spaced out a bit. 

Similarly, some of the paragraphs are very long and I would recommend breaking them up. For example, from chapter 3, the paragraph that starts with, "Today was October 19th..." is very long and could be shortened to make it easier to read.

I would recommend taking more time to set the scene and put us in the moment. The first two chapters feel more like prologues than core story chapters, and they're written like summaries. There's a nine year time skip after those two chapters. That's what I mean when I say the first two chapters feel more like they could have been combined and fit into one prologue chapter.

It's a little hard to follow the story since there's a lot of exposition and summary and not many moments where we're introduced more intimately with the characters. By that I mean, there are a lot of characters and it's a new world, so trying to adjust to all that is very difficult to do for any reader. Let me explain more clearly.

To help the readers understand, I would suggest keeping the juggernaut attack as a prologue and maybe not do as much exposition. Let the readers get engaged in the setting and what's going on. Then, after the juggernaut attack, you can focus on a few characters and have them set up the world while also introducing us to who the protagonists are.

In general, there is a lot of time skipping. It feels like this story needed to be a much longer novel, not a 6-chapter short story. For all the content and characters you have, I would recommend making a more detailed and slowed down version of it in a full-length novel. You easily have enough material to cover a 200 to 500 page book, and I encourage you to do so.

If you want it to be short and not a full novel, then I still recommend spending more time to slow down and set the scene. It feels like a lot of summary is happening and not enough scene. The easiest way to put this is you're saying what's happening, not describing it. You're telling us all we need to know about Otuzl and the Festival of Vitality, not describing/showing it. For that reason, I would recommend doing more showing over telling.

For example, maybe have the prologue be the Festival of Vitality. Chapter 2 takes place one day after it, but why not have it take place on the actual day? That way you can start off with the calm before the storm. You can show the activities happening during the Festival of Vitality without having to give us too much exposition, thus doing showing over telling.

While showing the Festival, you're also building suspense because the juggernauts are about to attack. Instead of jumping right into the juggernaut attack, why not take some time to show us the world and get us immersed in it?

That's just one idea to help readers get more immersed in the world, but there are plenty of ways to take it, so I encourage you to play around with it and brainstorm! I hope that makes sense.

Dialogue tags are almost done correctly, but they lack end punctuation. Here is how you do dialogue tags (example from chapter 2):

"Mark my words, no matter how this battle goes you'll both be dead by the end of it" said Lord Dolcarm.

It should be: "Mark my words, no matter how this battle goes you'll both be dead by the end of it," said Lord Dolcarm.

Dialogue needs end punctuation, even when there's a tag.

Also, even when there is different end punctuation, like a question mark, tags are still lowercase unless they are a proper noun. So: "How are you?" he asked. NOT: "How are you?" He asked.

Similarly, there are times you don't capitalize the first word in dialogue. For example, from chapter 3, "the parasites left behind..." It should be: "The parasites left behind..."

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Summary:

- The juggernauts are cool

- The concept is very refreshing and interesting

- I like the use of onomatopoeia

- Cool action set pieces

- Some formatting and grammar errors (capitalization, dialogue tags)

- The first two chapters feel more like a summary and a prologue

- Consider making this a full novel with more detail

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Overall:

Cyzinthia & Ur'Bluorg is a short science fiction story with six total chapters. It is a fast read you can finish in one sitting, and I guarantee you you will due to how many engaging and unique ideas it presents you. If you are someone who loves sci fi and crazy concepts, then this is the book for you!

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