Loving Her Body

an opportunity to help

And there she is, as always - laying with her back to me, her legs scrunched up towards her chest as she lays still, the only movement being her slow and shallow breaths. She doesn't even react to my presence. She just lays there unresponsive to anything.

I close the door behind me before stepping into our room, perching on the edge of the bed, stroking her hair as she slowly blinks, showing me that she is at least awake. She may not respond but she can hear me and I know she sometimes listens, though all the life in her eyes is gone. There's no light, no spark of intruige like there used to be. Her eyes have become dull as if there's nothing left in her to live for.

"How are you feeling?" I lowly mutter to her, not daring to speak at a normal volume in case she shuts down even further. I get no response though.

"How would you feel about maybe going to a proper therapist to talk about what you can't say to me? Would that help?" I ask, moving my hand down to rub her back that must be slightly sore from always being curled up and laying down.

Out of the corner of my eyes I see her fingers clench around the sheets. She definitely heard me but I don't know how to interpret that. It doesn't seem like like wants to though.

"Please, just give it a shot. I don't know what else I can do," I plead with her, still getting nothing. All I want is some kind of reaction. She doesn't even have to speak, just look around a bit, squeeze my hand, hum - just something to know I still have a chance of saving you.

All I need is some small movement to give me hope.

"Elise, I..." I trail off realising I just fucked this up, again. She shuts down completely whenever I use her name. I have no clue why and even brought it up to May but he didn't understand either.

As expected, she closes her eyes and curls up tighter into the fetal position after her name leaves my lips. There's no obvious reason I know of for her reaction but I really need to stop using her name for now. If she's completely shut down then even a therapist won't help.

"Look, I'm going to call some that Dr May recommended to help you," I inform her, knowing that she isn't asleep and can still hear me, even if she isn't listening. "Hopefully one of them can help you feel a bit better, okay? But please, try to eat something."

I still get no response as I smooth out the duvet over her, ensuring that she's warm and comfortable. I refill the glass of water that is always on the nightstand for her. There's even a small plate of apple slices that have turned brown next to the glass. Cut up fruits seem to be the only thing she can stomach when she does eat, though that isn't always the case. It does seem that she ate a few bits though so that's good.

I want to leave a kiss on her forehead, mostly to make myself feel better, but I don't think that'll be a good move for me to make. Elise needs some space to herself and I don't know what touches she can tolerate and which will push her further away.

I whisper a 'sleep well' to her before leaving, leaning against the wall beside the door as I pull out my phone from my pocket and checking the numbers Dr May gave me. They are all highly rated therapists, and expensive, but for Elise to get better I don't mind spending all of my wealth. She's worth it all.

Taking a deep breath, I reluctantly leave to return to my office and talk to these therapists. Hopefully there will be at least one that I approve of since I am even more protective of Elise now than I ever was before. I don't want to take her to one of them and them make her condition worse.