i forgive you (y/ns pov)

Chapter 23: I found a place

[trigger warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts, death, grief, depression]

A distant noise.

A quiet throbbing.

Blurred lights.

The steady sound of my breathing.

When I came to again, everything around me felt very slow. At first I didn't feel anything at all. Caught in the rush of time standing still. I wasn't awake, I wasn't sleeping either. Everything seemed distorted and unreal. The brief moment after a nightmare when you can't distinguish reality from dream, memory from nightmare, fact from fiction. A tear ran from my eye and burnt its way through my flesh. Slowly my vision brightened. Distant birdsong getting closer. A wooden scent in the air. I tried to swallow, but my throat felt parched. I tried to open my eyes, but they were still too heavy. A second tear followed the burnt trail the first one left. An uneven feeling. I felt dizzy.

I tried to remember where I was and what had happened.

Suddenly it all came back. Barnes, the mission, the loading dock, the guy, the shot. I started to panic, felt trapped in my own body, tortured by the slowly creeping in memories. My hand shot up and grabbed my neck. A thick bandage. My breathing got faster and faster. I still couldn't open my eyes. Then the pain crept its way through my entire body and suddenly I felt everything all at once.

"Hey, there you are again", a warm voice welcomed me.

Suddenly my eyes shot open as I realized it was Barnes voice. In panic, a flight instinct kicked in. I tried to sit up, kicking the covers off my body and wincing as he jumped up and came towards me.

"Hey, hey, hey! You need to calm down", he said.

He carefully placed his large hands on my shoulders and looked straight in my eyes. His blue eyes seemed soft, his smile was honest.

"You need to breathe", he said as he sat down.

His hands slowly slid from my shoulders down my arms.

"You are safe now."

But I looked at him in total horror: "What the hell did you do?"

When his hands reached mine, I quickly pulled them away from him and buried them in my lab.

"Do you remember what happened?", he asked as concern washed over his face.

I remembered everything and started to sob uncontrollably.

He reached for something on the side table next to the bed and showed it to me. A bullet and an electronic device. I didn't understand.

"This is the last bullet. It hit you in the neck but it didn't explode. Thanks to this", he started.

I pulled my knees to my body.

"Do you know what this is?", he asked.

I shook my head and he knew that I understood what he was saying.

"This is the surveillance device Fury injected in your neck. Somehow it stopped the bullet. You lost a lot of blood at first and I was worried that I had lost you, but thanks to the tetrodotoxin b, the heavy bleeding didn't last long. I was able to get you to a safehouse and remove the bullet and the device without any problems. I had to make sure you slept long enough so the wound wouldn't reopen. You were gone for a few days but you're safe now. It's probably gonna take a while for you to get back on your feet, but at least you're safe."