i forgive you (y/ns pov)

Chapter 13: Instead I even saved him

I passed everyone without saying a word after I returned to the compound.

They sent a car out to come get me as soon as Barnes made his way back to the compound. Because he made his return alone, they probably assumed, the two of us had gotten in a fight. Maybe he bitched about me being irrational as usually, going off on him without a reason. Maybe he got so annoyed that he let his anger out on the others. Whatever it was, for once they were keeping their distance.

„Then why didn't you take the opportunity to get rid of me?"

Barnes' question still kept ringing in my ears the next day.

My gun was aimed at him, my eyes locked on him, my finger on the trigger. Yet not once the idea of killing him crossed my mind. It was the second time I had the opportunity to finally end it. To make him pay for everything he did to me.

But I didn't.

Instead I even saved him.

When the hooded guy appeared, I could have just let him shoot Barnes. I was dressed in all black, standing in a completely dark room, equipped with a night vision device. Watch him get killed, sneak out, run to the car and call for backup. It would have been that easy.

But I didn't.

Instead I even saved him.

For years I thought about how I would avenge my sisters death. It had never been easier than now.

But I didn't.

Instead I even saved him.

Another knock on my door. I didn't answer.

„Hey, it's me", Barnes said softly, his head very close to the door.

„I know you don't want to talk to me and that's alright. But this is about the mission."

He paused after every sentence but I didn't answer.

„I did the paperwork today and wrote a report. I thought... Maybe you want to read over it."

Quietly I crept to the door, trying not to make any sound at all.

„Tony will need your signature on the paper."

I placed my hand on the doorknob.

„I will put the file down in front of your door if you want to –"

Suddenly I opened the door.

I was surprised by my own action. One part of me wanted nothing to do with that asshole, the other part just won and opened the door to find him already on his knees, putting the folder down in front of my door.

His gaze slowly wandered over my body, inspecting every little bruise caused by the attackers. His breathing seemed kind of heavy. Once his eyes locked on mine, he slowly got up again. I didn't say anything. My mind was circling around the same thoughts.

But I didn't.

Instead I even saved him.

He cleared this throat but he didn't speak a word. He gave me a careful smile as he handed the file over. Then silently he walked back to his room.

As I read his report, I found myself glancing at my door and my mind wandering off. I hardly recognized myself. When did I get so bitter that I got angry at the thought of not killing someone? Was that really the person that I had become? Did I want to be that person? Yes, I couldn't stand that dumbass. But was I really so consumed by hate that I'd become a reckless monster myself?

In Barnes' story I hadn't.

I read his lines over and over again. I didn't seem reckless in his way of describing the mission. He described the attack exactly as it happened. Him spotting them first once we were already separated, them making their move on both of us, me finishing them off before him and quietly preparing my weapon and also me only firing the saving shot when it was really necessary.

He even wrote that we had mutually agreed to return to the compound each on our own. I would be lying if I told that sentence didn't make me giggle a little.

The person he was describing in his report was so much closer to my old self than I could ever be. She was long gone. Or at least that's what I thought. Because to him, she clearly was still there.

Was that what he saw in me?

After all the fighting, all the screaming, all the threats I've thrown at him, he still saw me the way I couldn't?

I sighed.

Maybe I didn't want him dead anymore and maybe that was okay.