I Love You So

Part 40

Rick walked inside the infirmary, giving a small frown when he saw Amanda looking stressed, "Hey, what's up?" He asked worriedly as he knelt down in front of her, "Oh, Manda." He sighed, wiping her cheek

"I can't do this anymore, Rick. I'm failing Alexandria. Negan is too much. We lost the baby, I-I..." Amanda said as tears fell, "We don't have enough people to fight, and the people we do have are weak." She said softly

"I know, baby, we'll figure something out." Rick said softly, "Gabriel is missing, along with all our food." He said quietly, handing her the food log. He opened the last page, showing her the words BOAT, "Aaron and I found a place, a boat, with supplies. We took the supplies, I think Gabriel took the food there, but I'm not sure why. We need to go with Jesus but we also need to find Gabriel. We have no food." Rick said

Amanda sighed as she looked at the ceiling, "We split up, divide and conquer. Maggie, Sasha, Michonne, and Jesus go to The Kingdom. You, Carl, Rosita, Aaron and I go after Gabriel." Amanda said

"Do you feel comfortable with that?" Rick asked, "I would like either you or I meeting with The Kingdom to discuss terms." He said

"Okay, you go, then." Amanda nodded, "We'll be okay." She promised, standing up

"Are we okay?" Rick asked her, "Our relationship? I think this is the first time we've ever had sex and you didn't finish."

"Yeah, we're okay." Amanda smiled softly, nodding. She knew she was being distant with Rick, but her body felt heavy. Her mind was bouncing around with ideas, unsure of how to move forward, unsure of what lies ahead, unsure of if anything was even worth it, at this point. Her mind flickered back to the CDC, when she wanted to stay behind with Jacqui, but Rick picked her up and carried her out. She wondered if things were better now, if she should've fought harder for her choice. She wouldn't have suffered so much loss if she had just given up. Her body and mind grew weary as the days went on, especially since the loss of their unborn child.

Rick frowned, looking at Amanda with soft eyes, "Come back to me." He said quietly, kissing her softly. He cupped her cheek, "Be here with me." He begged

"I'm trying." Amanda whispered softly against his lips, pressing her forehead against his, "I gotta go, I need to find Gabriel and our food." She said quietly as she reluctantly pulled away. She stood up, looking at Rick and nodding slowly, "I love you." She said before she walked out of the infirmary. She rallied up Carl, Rosita and Aaron, getting in the passengers seat, "Aaron, lead the way." She said, looking out the rearview mirror at Rick. Her breathing felt shallow as she closed her eyes tightly, wondering where it all went wrong for her. She felt a hand touch hers, causing her to open her eyes. She looked over at Aaron and smiled softly

"I get it." Aaron said quietly, "You don't need to say anything, I see it." He said as he started the car, driving down the road.

Amanda squeezed Aaron's hand in response as she looked out the window, choking back tears. She reflected back to Rick, when they were stuck in the tank. Scared and hopeless, they shared some kisses. She felt butterflies in her stomach as she recalled how it felt to kiss Rick - to be absolutely enamored by a man that was married with a child. A man who was on a mission to find his wife and child. She couldn't help but feel dirty at the thought of her coming between Ricks marriage with Lori. She knew it wasn't entirely her fault, that Shane also played a part, but still, she carried the burden.

Once they arrived near the boat, they decided to walk the rest of the way. Amanda had her machete in her hands, looking around the surroundings, she noted the bullet holes in the sign, "oh, jeez." she said, walking besides Aaron. She glanced back at Carl, making sure he was in eyesight. She froze when she saw people begin to surround them, "Carl." She said worriedly, shielding him with her body as they surrounded them.