Lost Future

I'll get it back

"Everything was all set to let you have your dream and then later on have me and our baby as well. That's why I specifically asked you to look for me once you've reached everything that you wanted, but things didn't go as planned."

My hands are flailing all over the place as I explain further and the gestures just kept on getting bigger and bigger as the frustration of not being able to properly convey my thoughts and about how my plans went wrong.

"Though I didn't plan on meeting and being with Jennie, Rose, and the others, I'm glad that I did. They're one of the best things that happened to me. But what mostly turned everything upside down is when my little baby..." And once again, the thought of what my little MiRae went through brought unstoppable tears to fall. "...my poor angel MiRae was born with such an illness."

As I talk about her, I started to imagine how frail she looked like, how pitiful she sounded when she cried every time she's getting attacks, and how beautiful her smile looked whenever she sees me. I closed my eyes and covered them with my right hand. "Everything still looks as clear as ever. No matter how many years already passed, I can still vividly remember everything about her; what she went through, what she looked like, what she sounds like, what she felt like in my arms."

"It's painful. Excruciatingly so." I took my hand away from my eyes and let it lifelessly fall to my side as I looked at the ceiling to try and stop the tears, which I doubt would happen anytime soon. "The pain made me wish to just die than to go through it every day. It was never part of the plan to give birth to her with that wretched illness. I did everything to be healthy and to keep her healthy while she was still inside of me, but I don't know what happened." A sob is caught in my throat as I once again blame myself for what happened to my baby. "I don't know. I didn't want her to get sick. I didn't want our baby to die."

That was it for me. My knees gave up and on the floor, with my hands covering my face, I slumped down and cried. "All of the dreams that we had for her even before we actually had her, all of it, I was willing to do everything to give it to her; a happy childhood where she goes on playdates with her friends, a great education where she learns to become whatever she wants to be may it be a doctor, a lawyer, a musician, anything, a well off life where she would get all the food, clothes and toys she wants, and even a happy and complete family where you're with us. But I wasn't even able to begin doing anything for her when she left, not even letting her meet her own father."

Sobs after sobs just kept on coming as I finally confess every regret that I feel towards my little angel. "Contrary to what you thought, no, I'm not a wonderful mother especially to the one that I gave birth to. I was a failure. I failed terribly as MiRae's Umma." I can't look at Taehyung's face out of shame and most of all fear, fear of seeing disgust and disappointment on his face. Silently, I continued sitting there on the floor as I hug myself to stop my whole body from trembling due to the non-stop tears.

For a span of a few minutes, nothing besides my sobs was heard inside the four walls of my room. The painful silence was only broken when I felt him behind me as he pulled me up and gave me a gentle hug. With his chin on my shoulder, softly, he called my name, "Joohyun." I can't help but close my eyes at the tenderness in his voice. The way he holds me, the way he called me, it's as if he's afraid to break me like a fragile little porcelain doll that already has cracks on it which would break with just one wrong move.

"Stop doing this to yourself Hyun. Stop putting all of these burdens solely on your shoulder." Lightly, he left a kiss on the place where his chin was settled before and stayed there. "Unlike before, I wasn't given a choice, you didn't give me a choice, this time let me make mine. Hyun, let me carry these burdens with you. You've been the one who did it for the both of us all these years and now that I'm more than capable already, give me the chance to at least share it with you."