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Dead Weight - Detailed Feedback

Similarly, you don't need a comma when you have different end punctuation. So, in chapter 66, 'You better explain yourself right now?', Taehyung demanded.

The comma is not necessary and makes it look like there's more to the sentence, but there isn't. The sentence ends there.

There are some clarity issues, mostly in the beginning of the story. I'm all for mystery and a bit of vagueness, but sometimes it's too vague. In chapters 1 and 2, I had no idea who was who and what was going on. I read chapter 1 a few times and I finally got it by my final read, and chapter 2 I understood, but the lack of names to identify who was speaking and resorting to he/him pronouns or "the voice" got confusing after a while. However, I understood chapter 3 onward pretty well since it was clearer about who was who and what was going on.

It's not inherently a bad thing that you had some vagueness in chaps 1 and 2, just keep in mind that for a new story where readers don't know anything yet, it can be difficult to follow if you're too vague since we're being introduced to new characters, plots, and concepts and need the time to understand what's going on and who's who.

Let's talk about structure and formatting. Some of the formatting is a bit strange, in my opinion. There are times sentences that would flow better as one sentence are split into two or more. I first noticed it in chapter 4, but it continues throughout the story.

Right at the beginning, the paragraph is this: "The world was soon coloured in bright orange hues. Meaning that one could see the Mines for what it truly was, a poverty-stricken area. If it wasn't the endless potholes on the grey tarmac of the road that gave it away. It was the multi-colored shipping containers that served as homes for people."

Those last two sentences especially. One reason why is because the "If it wasn't the endless..." sentence is incomplete. You use a lot of incomplete sentences, which ties into the clarity issues I mentioned before. I myself use incomplete sentences so I'm not telling you not to, but consider limiting them. You use quite a few of them per chapter, which is why I'm bringing it up.

The three paragraphs right after that example have at least one incomplete sentence or sentence that feels like it's leading somewhere but suddenly stops. Do you see why if you're using them almost every paragraph, not only does it get confusing, but it also gets repetitive?

Here's a possible alternative for the above example: "The world was soon coloured in bright orange hues, meaning that one could see the Mines for what it truly was: a poverty-stricken area. If it wasn't the endless potholes on the grey tarmac of the road that gave it away, it was the multi-colored shipping containers that served as homes for people."

I didn't change any of the word choice, just the punctuation to demonstrate how combining sentences can help with flow. Try reading the original out loud then the alternative to see how the flow changes depending on the punctuation.

Here's another example: "Even though he knew he knew his body was painted with black and blue bruises that dully ached. He could not show any weakness..."

I hope that example shows what I mean more clearly. Do you see how the first sentence is setting up the second half of the sentence (that would be "He could not show any weakness...") only for it to be suddenly interrupted? As a reader, it's unsatisfying to read these types of sentences so frequently since we're being led on to believe the sentences are going somewhere when they're actually split up.

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Summary:

- Jimin 🤭🤭🤭🥺🥺🥺💜💜😍😍

- All the characters are well written

- Good ending that wraps everything up well

- Solid pacing

- Interesting concepts

- Commas in dialogue

- Some clarity issues

- Overuse of incomplete sentences

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Overall:

Dead Weight is a story that juggles many concepts and characters, but does a good job balancing plot with character development. The sci fi elements and worldbuilding are very interesting, so if you're someone who likes character-driven sci fis, then this story is for you regardless of if you like BTS fanfic or not.

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Thank you for submitting your story. I'm always happy to read PJM stories (totally not biased!!!), especially when they're science fiction. That combines two of my favorite things, so I had a good time with the book.

If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews, please let me know!