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Dungeon - Detailed Feedback

Similarly, the use of cliffhangers was nice too. Cliffhangers are always a great way to keep an audience engaged. Engagement is key, especially on Wattpad where (no offense to any WP readers) the readers tend to have a shorter attention span. I have a short attention span too so I get it, but it does mean we authors have to get inventive to capture a reader's eye, and I think you did that well.

At first I wasn't sure how I felt about Bryan being so young since I thought he felt much older, but considering the themes in the story, his age began to grow on me and I could see what you were going for by making him younger.

There are underlying themes about corruption and the police force, and by having them recruit so young, it adds another layer to the narrative that gives the audience a lot to think about. Similarly, I think having him be so young allows the audience to connect with him more since the vast majority of Wattpad readers are in that demographic (based on the demographic chart I saw last year, the average Wattpad user age was 20 and the majority of Wattpad readers were 18-24). By having a younger character go through these darker things, it makes him more relatable, and it also elevates your theme of corruption.

Long story short, I thought the themes were interesting, and I liked how they impacted Bryan's character.

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What Didn't Work:

Let's talk about word choice.

Make sure every word you're using counts. For me, some of the sentences felt unnecessarily long and complicated when more down-to-earth and to the point sentences would have done the trick, especially in the beginning when we're still learning about who these people are and what the plot of the story is.

Chapter 2 in particular has a lot of wordy sentences that can be cut down and tightened, but since many other reviews already left inline comments on the sentences I felt were too long, I'm not going to repeat them here.

One example that I don't believe anyone commented on is in chapter 2 with the line, "I quite did go through your medical reports and understand how you are feeling, but I need to meet you immediately, and why don't we discuss further over a cup of cappuccino?"

There are two things about this sentence I find off. One is the usage of "quite" in the beginning. It makes the sentence feel clunky, in my opinion. Second is the "...and why don't we." It feels like a new sentence, so I would recommend using a period. For example, "...to meet you immediately. Why don't we discuss [this] further over a cup of cappuccino?"

You have a tendency to keep using conjunctions and commas to extend a sentence, but I would recommend breaking them up more. It will help make the sentence structure feel more unique.

This is a nitpick, especially since I think this is just how he talks, but the "I did go through" and the "understand how you are feeling" also feel clunky. It feels unnecessarily wordy, but if that's the speech style you're going for, then that's fine as long as it's just him and not others.

I challenge you to cut down on excess words. For example, from chapter 3, "Cafes were busily packed with people..." the "busily" is an unnecessary adverb since the "packed with people" already implies it. Maybe this is just because I am a New Yorker, but the fact that they're in New York also helps imply that it's busy, which, in my opinion, makes the "busily" unnecessary.

There are many moments like that throughout the narrative where words are added when the words surrounding them already imply the overall meaning. 

That was a very long way to explain one thing, but hey, I'm an over-explainer. At the very least, I hope my over-explaining tendencies made my point clear.

While on the topic of formatting, there are many times where you'll have a long paragraph before or after dialogue, but in the same paragraph as the dialogue. I would recommend breaking it up. 

So, for example, let's say one paragraph is ten sentences long. Seven of those sentences are description and setting the scene, then the last three sentences are the dialogue. I would recommend making sure the dialogue gets its own space. It makes the dialogue feel more impactful and it's also much easier to read.

For example, the example I just gave from chapter 3 with the cafes packed with people. That paragraph is five long sentences, and then one line of dialogue at the very end. I didn't see the point of adding that dialogue to the paragraph, if that makes sense. It feels like it would have been stronger if it had been given its own space.

There are minor tense issues where it slips out of past tense and goes into present incorrectly. Present tense can be used occasionally in past tense (such as with direct character thoughts), but there were times you used present tense incorrectly that other commenters pointed out.

The big suggestion I have is to make the time period more apparent. I completely forgot this was a story taking place in 2082, especially in chapter 5 with the Emma Watson line. That feels like a line from a story taking place in modern times since Watson might not be alive in 2082, let alone in the mind of a young man. Maybe an older man, but this is a teenager's mind, so surely he would be thinking of a much younger female celebrity—perhaps a fictional one created solely for this world?

The first few chapters didn't feel very 2082 to me. It felt like standard, 2023 New York City. Granted, you could argue NYC is dystopian enough on its own, but I would suggest adding more things to make the time period more clear.

Lastly, try to avoid all caps. All caps are very distracting, hard to read, come off as the author screaming at the reader instead of the characters screaming, and are prime examples of telling over showing. It always hurts my eyes when I see all caps. I believe there are stronger ways to get across anger and shouting than relying on all caps, especially when they're so hard to read and isolate parts of your audience, like me, who get eye strains when they're frequently present.

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Summary:

- Nice cover

- Good aesthetics

- I like the use of pictures to help reveal information in a smooth way

- The narrative has great subject matter that is handled appropriately

- Strong themes and tonal consistency

- Solid hook that effectively establishes Bryan's character

- Some grammar issues (all caps, tense issues)

- Consider tightening sentences and removing excess words

- Consider showing the time period earlier in the story

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Overall:

Dungeon is a science fiction thriller story that covers many surprising topics you would not expect from a book in this genre. I don't want to say much more because, as I mentioned earlier, there are many twists and turns the story takes that I encourage you to discover for yourself. If you enjoy sci fi thrillers, then I recommend this book to you!

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Thank you for submitting your story. My favorite genre is sci fi, so I think that alone should tell you that I enjoyed it. Seeing as this is one of my longer reviews (almost 2k words), it definitely got me talking and thinking. I've always been a fan of stories that make me think!

Overall, the story is solid and I think you're heading in the right direction.

Please let me know if you have any questions or if you would like any additional reviews.