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The Five Cursed Witches: Volume 1 - Detailed Feedback

I liked the attention to detail to show realistic traits for someone dealing with such a curse. Although the world is fantastical, it's realistic because of those details. I like it when authors take more fantastical elements to speak about human experience, and this narrative does that well.

This is another small thing, but I loved the scene where she realizes who her mate is in chapter seven. The way the universe seems to hate her is comedic but also very depressing at the same time. 

Her curse leads to many scenes such as that where Zoe begins to question the cruel joke the universe is playing on her. It's a sad form of humor that gives us a chance to breathe, but also a chance to truly process just how much the curse impacts Zoe's life.

I enjoyed the plot of the story. It starts as a simple quest for Zoe to find a witch hunter, but it evolves into something greater. Not only in terms of how the events unfold, but also the characters.

Felix and Zoe go on an incredible journey together that tests their mental and physical limits, particularly in Zoe's case since she has the added "joy" of dealing with her curse. Zoe is put in a dilemma where she has to find a way to spare Felix's father in a way that won't cause her own father to die. It's an interesting concept, and it gives Zoe more depth as a result. Watching her battle the pressures put on her by the universe is engaging, and we [the audience] are always left wondering what she's going to do next.

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What Didn't Work:

There are some comma errors throughout the story, mostly with missing commas. There are many instances where you use an introductory phrase then don't use a comma. It's not always required depending on the sentence, but there are some where I felt the sentence would have flowed better with a comma.

For example, from the first chapter, "On days when the sun shone brightly my clothes would make it almost unbearably warm." I would suggest adding a comma after "brightly." In my opinion, it would flow a bit smoother with a comma.

You have good description, so I would suggest incorporating that more into the dialogue. Not the dialogue itself, but what happens around it. There are many times where you'll tell us what their facial expressions are instead of showing us. For example, simply saying that someone's face is showing "intense worry" or has "sadness."

There were some great moments of this, so all I'm suggesting is doing it a bit more. Of course, it's okay to use telling here and there, but for those types of moments, I'd recommend using more descriptive language. You don't need to give us a word sandwich or anything, but something to give us more to think about, if that makes sense.

Be careful with filler words. Like I mentioned above, you have good descriptions, so the filler words aren't necessary. This is a small thing, but I think it can help the sentences flow even better than they already do. When I say filler words, I'm referring to words that don't add much, if anything, to the sentence. Words like "just," "that," and "still" are three of the biggest filler words used by most authors.

"That" is sometimes essential to a sentence, but there are times where it isn't and it can make the sentence sound a bit clunky as a result. For example, from chapter 2, "Once upon a time I had believed that the smiles were genuine."

If you read the example without the "that," you'll see it flows better without it. It's a small thing, but it can help give sentences extra flow. If you're ever unsure about if a "that" is needed or not, I'd recommend reading the sentence out loud first with the "that," then without it. The same applies to other filler words like "just" and "still."

I would argue there are more cases where "just" and "still" are necessary to provide additional emotional impact in a sentence, just (haha) be careful not to overuse them so the emotional impact isn't lessened as a result.

Grammatically, you have some subject-verb agreement errors. It doesn't happen too often, but I picked up on it a couple times throughout the text. 

For example, from chapter 1, "Droplets of sweat was falling down my face." "Was" should be "were."

The same thing happens in chapter 2 with, "Her black, silk-smooth hair cascaded down her back and all the darkness were in contrast to her icy blue eyes." The "were" should be "was."

Earlier I mentioned considering how to tighten your sentences to make them flow smoother, and I am using that chapter 2 example as a segue into my next point: passive voice.

You frequently use passive voice. Considering Zoe's character, I can definitely see it working in some cases, but many of the sentences have the "was" verb. In the sentence I gave, the "...were in contrast" feels wordy. I would suggest cutting that out altogether and replacing it with, "Her black, silk-smooth hair cascaded down her back, and all the darkness contrasted her icy blue eyes."

I didn't cut much out of the sentence, but if you read it out loud when compared to the previous sentence, do you see how the new sentence flows smoother? I also added a comma.

In general, some of the sentences can feel repetitive due to the structure. For example, in chapter 6, the paragraph about halfway through the chapter that starts with "I felt all of that...". This is a nitpick, but every sentence in that paragraph except for one uses "that," and two of the sentences uses "that" twice. I'm not saying don't use "that," and I'm also not saying they're grammatically wrong (I actually think all the "that" usages are okay there). All I'm saying is consider rewording sentences so the same words and structures aren't used multiple times in one paragraph. I hope that makes sense.

You have strong vocab and ideas. All I think the sentences are missing is a bit of tightening to the word choice and structure.

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Summary:

- Prologue is done right!

- Good pacing

- You have consistent tense and no dialogue tag errors

- Zoe is an engaging protagonist

- The quiet scenes where the audience gets to reflect are done well

- Great plot

- Some grammar errors (commas, subject-verb agreement)

- Consider incorporating more showing over telling into scenes with lots of dialogue

- Consider tweaking sentence structure and word order to help make sentences flow smoother

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Overall:

The Five Cursed Witches: Volume 1 - Zoe, the Witch of Innocence features an incredibly engaging plot that moves at a balanced pace, and it's topped off with high stakes thanks to a fun cast of characters who have realistic traits and flaws to make them relatable. If you are someone who enjoys a long, high stakes story, then I would recommend this book to you.

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Thank you for submitting your story. This was a great read, and I hope you continue to write more stories in the future. It looks like you only have three works so far, so I'm excited to see what's next in store for you.

I am at the vote limit currently, but tomorrow afternoon when it refreshes, I will finish voting on your story.

Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews!