I Am Mustafin

| 16 | - If This Is Death

I'm so tired...so so tired.

A soft groan emits from the back of my throat, my eyelids too heavy for me to lift them fully. I can hear the sound of Efrem's voice at a distance, but I can't make out what he's saying. I feel my body shift as though I'm being carried into someone's arms, but I'm too tired to move. My limbs are too heavy.

If this is death, I don't like it.

The bright light that meets my sensitive eyes nearly blinds me, and this time, when I hear Efrem's voice again, I hear it clearly. "Get everyone the hell out of my house and lock it down," he snarls. "Now!"

My body jolts and in the next second, it hits me. All at once: pain. 

A pain-filled moan breaks from my lips, my body shivering uncontrollably, frigid. I want to cry for help, my body begging, desperate for warmth, but I can't. I'm too cold. I can't move. I can't talk. Hell, I can barely breathe.

"Hold on..." Efrem whispers into my ear, the arms around me holding me closer, embracing me as though I'd fall apart if they loosened their hold on me.

My efforts to open my eyes finally give. Quickly adjusting to the light, I find myself looking up at the all too familiar face: Efrem. It's his arms that are holding me, his warmth against me, his embrace.

Why does this feel okay?

My gaze flickers away briefly, my head involuntarily nodding to the side. I catch sight of Konstantin looking almost as pale as I'm sure that I do right about now.

"I told you not to let her out of your goddamn sight!" Efrem snarls again, and if his eyes could slit throats, I'm convinced Konstantin would be laying on the floor, bleeding out, right about now.

My mind begins to race, realizing that nearly my entire body feels numb and I don't recognize where I am, yet all at once, everything hurts. The walls are dark and we're moving too fast for me to count the doors that we pass. It isn't until we reach the end of the hall that Efrem slows down and I can see Matvey standing before a dark door.

He's quick, pushing them open and stepping to a side. We swiftly move past him, through the tall door.

Whoever's room this is, I've never been in it.

The walls are a dark gray–almost black–color, and a beautiful set of double doors with large windows almost take up one of the entire sides of the room. Large drapes hang beside them, large gray hooks pulling them to each side, respectfully.

It hurts...

It's as though my limbs are throbbing, my blood pumping harder as my heart beats faster in my chest. Efrem is gentle to set me down on the bed. He's careful, positioning my head on a soft pillow.

"Where the fuck is Ciana?" he snaps at Matvey, cocking his head to the side, briefly eyeing him before averting his gaze back to me. He's quick to reach for the black blanket neatly folded at the foot of the bed, pulling it over me in one swift motion.

"S-She," I struggle to form a coherent sentence that's hardly audible, if audible at all. "Sh-She t-tried t-to ki-kill m-m-me..."

If I can help it, I'm not letting the bitch get away with this.

If I'm going to die, I want to make sure I take her down with me. If I can't burn them all, I'll burn at least one of them.

Ultimately, I don't know if any of this will matter. After all, how could he justify punishing someone for doing something like this to someone like me? Maybe it's that I'm more than vulnerable right now, but if I didn't know better, I would think that by his reaction, he might actually care for me. It's wishful thinking, I know. But if he did...then maybe he would do something about it anyway.

"She's gone, Efrem," Isaak suddenly comes to the doorway, his soft eyes falling from Efrem to meet my own. "I'm sorry," he mouths at me before his gaze returns to Efrem once more. Behind him, Tavin hovers, a troubled look playing in his eyes.

"Damn it!" Efrem sighs in exasperation. He shakes his head thoughtfully, and for the first time in perhaps ever, I can read the expression on his face.

He almost looks...anxious. Maybe even desperate?

But it doesn't last. He straightens on his feet, collecting himself in the next moment. "All of you," his voice is calm as he talks over his shoulder, "get out."

One by one, they back away, Isaak's gaze lingering on me for a moment longer, hesitating before he closes the door behind him. Now, it's just me and him. I watch the doorway, and suddenly, my eyes water, a tear streaming across the bridge of my nose and dripping onto the soft pillow.

Please don't cry. Please don't cry.

My body continues to shiver, but I keep watching the doorway, wishing that I will somehow become invisible.

I don't want to be here...not like this.

I don't know if it's because it's me and him or because it's just me, but I want, with everything inside me, to keep myself together. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed.

From the corner of my eye, I can see Efrem take the jacket of his dark suit off, unbuttoning his shirt next. I hear him kicking his shoes off of his feet, tossing the button-up on the floor.

What is he doing..?

I can't help it. I look over at him, eyeing him as he begins to undo the belt of his pants, unbuttoning and unzipping them. He slides them off of his legs, stepping out of them hesitantly. I admire his physique–his rippling abs, ridiculously large biceps, and freakishly built quads. But it only distracts me for a moment.

"W–" I whimper, clenching my eyes shut at the sharp pain in my throat.

I can't do this anymore...

A soft sob tears from my lungs, tears uncontrollably rolling down my face. I turn my head, attempting to bury my face into the pillow in my desperate attempt to hide myself. I feel defeated, but mostly, I feel so small.

I can't stop, my hard sobs muffled by the pillow. I clench my fists tightly, digging my fingernails into the palm of my hands, tearing my own skin in hopes that it'll distract me from what's really hurting me. It doesn't work though, and it only frustrates me even more.

The blanket that covers me is suddenly lifted and my eyes instinctively snap open. I turn my head just slightly, the bed dipping beside me as Efrem slides himself next to me. My breath catches in my lungs, feeling as his strong arms wrap themselves around me again, pulling me into him. He involuntarily jolts as his warm skin touches my cold one.

"W-What a-are you d-doing?" I'm flustered.

He's so warm...

He doesn't say a word, and for a moment, I forget everything–all of it. I lay still, breathing steadily as my body slowly falls into a state of tranquility. The shivers stop and as the minutes pass, I grow warmer and warmer until I no longer feel cold.

My breathing is even with his, my heart beating at the pace of his own as I hear the thumping in his chest, my head resting comfortably on it. His chin gently sits on the top of my head, his breath lightly fanning my forehead. I barely notice the tears dry on my cheeks as my eyelids fall shut, and for a while I lay perfectly still, afraid that if I so much as breathe differently, I'll feel pain again.

I feel safe this way...

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