Evie | H.S |

95. Snow White

"You should" she urged, surprisingly. "As long as you don't overdo it. I just don't want you to cut yourself off from the world, babe."

"I know, I know." My response was an automatic and exhausted utterance. Her advice to get out followed by a subtle warning was advice I'd heard many a time.

"I should be there with you" she sighed regretfully. "It's not fair. None of it. You of all people don't deserve the things he said, Eve."

I laughed dryly by way of a short puff of air out my nose as I shook my head. "Maybe I do."

And we're back to self-loathing.

My plans to focus on publishing stuff was terribly timed. No matter how hard I tried to shake what was going on in my head, it was bleeding into the music too easily.

Staring numbly at the acoustic padded wall of the large, cold rehearsal hall, my fingers found comfortable chords and my other hand strummed quietly a pattern over and over.

If I was to pinpoint what was bothering me the most here, it was how easily Harry had given up. And it made me feel worthless.

Our entire, short relationship saw him do much of the chasing. All of my hesitations were met with an answer, a resolution, a tenacity and perseverance.

Every wall I'd put up, he took the time to pull down. Brick by emotional brick.

I'd made a mistake, sure. But in the grand scheme of things, it didn't warrant total abandon. He had pursued me with such a hunger then.

And as I felt completely numb, staring out blankly into the abyss while I mumbled along a melody, I felt an emptiness I hadn't felt in a while.

We had a hunger then...only each other then

The highs were so high. Genuinely the happiest I've ever been. He'd given me a taste of that and as soon as I'd willingly grasped it with both hands, he too easily took it away.

Couldn't get enough when we started...always a hunger then

And now I was empty. The walls I'd put up around me had been established for a reason - I needed to remember that and heal. I didn't deserve something all consuming, and that was ok. Some people do the cushy, gentle love. Maybe I was just destined for the 'drama' I was used to. At least then I knew where things would inevitably end up. I'd have some sort of control.

Now it's just emptiness...we were in love...we were starving...we had a hunger then

Feeling like I'd given all I could to my creative endeavours for the day, I jot down the chords I'd been playing and the stupid lyrics I'd been mumbling. I hummed along as my pen scratched the lined paper of the notepad. Maybe it'd turn into a song that meant something to someone and from these trenches something beautiful could grow.

That's what I loved about music. And this is exactly why I was going to focus on just that.

With guitar case in tow, I stepped back into my checkered vans sneakers that sat by the door and made way to store my stuff back in the locker in the studio.

It was half past six and I'd promised Remi and Aisha I'd meet them for a drink at a fancy jazz bar sometime after eight. Remi was sweet on one of the bartenders who she'd come across on some dating app, and so they'd invited her along with some friends for a few free cocktails. I wasn't jumping out of my seat at the invite but as Annie had told me, getting out was better than sitting in my flat alone.