How to Survive a Supervillain Attack

Wednesday, March 11: The Gladiators

What a beautiful day. The early morning light reflects off the windows in a stunning sunrise array, birds dare to venture into the human-less cities, chirping their delight at the new day... and once again, I find myself face-to-face with another hero-villain face-off. As I back away from the explosions, I consider petitioning for a medal for running into so many.

Stay educated about villain activity near you. If you can avoid the fight before it happens, you're in the clear.

Of all the rules I had written for myself, this one is the least effective, though likely a good bit of advice. I just happen to have the worst luck of anyone I know. This last week, for example, I knew the final showdown between the latest supervillain and our heroes was bound to happen soon. Since the heroes had typically been fighting this villain in the afternoon, I had been leaving early for work and making excuses to stay long after my shift. But, of course, the one fight they don't do in the afternoon is the very one I'm trying to avoid.

Some would be awed by the dazzling display of powers and the chance to see the fight for themselves. They might stand just out of range of the attacks and gawk at the spectacle, feeling honored to be close to such power. Not only have I seen this same sort of fight a hundred times, but I also learned long ago it isn't worth staring at. I even wrote a rule for it.

When you see a fight, danger, and/or a surplus of police cars, walk/run (depending on the level of danger) in the opposite direction. You won't miss the action (the news gets everything) and, anyway, your life is more important.

I love our heroes just as much as the next person, but I'd prefer to see them through a TV screen thank-you-very-much. Besides, I already know every nitty-gritty detail about them.

No one's sure if the heroes knew each other before they got their powers or if one freak accident bonded them together. They first were caught on camera helping citizens from a sunken cruise boat to shore. People speculate they were on the ship themselves when it sunk, but all attempts to find the ship's roster have been met with failure. I suspect whoever did have all the names destroyed the evidence.

I bet you can't guess who else was on that boat. Yep, I am one of the heroes' first fans. And I owe my life to them many times over.

On the beach, as ambulances started taking us survivors to shore, one of the news reporters asked our heroes who they were. They didn't have much in the way of costumes at the time, but no one could doubt they had great potential.

"The Gladiators." I don't remember which one said it, and the video didn't catch anyone's mouth moving. But the name stuck.

(Yes, I've watched that video hundreds of times. No, that doesn't mean I'm obsessed.)

From then on, the heroes started adopting their own names. Their leader, the Hacker Electronica, controls technology within a few kilometers of where she is. Her dark brown gladiator-style suit has streaks of electric blue and purple across it. Little robots of her design often hover around her. She always wears a black braid, and her brown mask hides all her features but her bright blue eyes.

Electronica's second-in-command is the Scout Lucifugus. He has the power of teleportation. Except he doesn't have to teleport all of himself. He can teleport just a hand or an eye to any place he chooses without experiencing any physical harm. His suit is pitch black. Added to his dark skin, hair, and eyes, he blends into any shadow. Or sticks out like a sore thumb in broad daylight.

The Tank Autocurrus is their heavy hitter. Not only is she impervious to most physical damage, but she can also emit molten metal from her hands that encases any warm-blooded creature she touches. Scary if she wasn't the sweetest one among them. Her gladiator suit is silver and grey, the helm on her head serving both as a mask and a method of intimidation. The only thing her suit doesn't cover is her big, dark hands and her gleaming, hazel brown eyes.