Your shoelaces are undone

Chapter 5

word count: 1131 words

ALSO TW, THERES MENTIONS OF SELF HARM SO JUST BEWARE. IDK X

Tuesday 2nd of November 2006, 11:53 am

Julietta's POV

I carefully wipe down a table top as someone enters the café.  It's Jamie, Katie, Nick, Matt and Alex. They wander to the table for 6 which is in the back right corner.

I pull my top further down, over my stomach and say hi as they walk past me.

"Hey", Katie replies.

"Let me finish cleaning up and I'll be over in a few seconds, alright?" Alex stares at me like how a predator would their prey. We both know that he was watching me cry last night, but thankfully I shut the curtains before he could see anything else that I did. I would've preferred if he hadn't have texted me. It's like Schrodinger's cat. If we can't see the cat, how'd we know it was dead. If Alex didn't text me, how would I have known that he was watching me. 

I'm scared he's going to ask why I was crying. He doesn't need to know. It was bad enough that he was watching me cry, he doesn't need to know why.

But what if he's told everyone? Did he tell Jamie? If he told Jamie, then Jamie would've probably told mum and dad so then Mum will probably ask about it, and in my opinion, that's more embarrassing.

I place the cleaning equipment on the counter which Aunt Luella is stood behind; she puts them away. Honestly, it's a miracle that she's even working in the café today. She's always on holiday somewhere, I'm convinced that she's just trying to fob the jobs of the café off on me.

Mum says I'm the spitting image of Aunt Luella and to be honest, I see it. We have the same dirty blonde hair, same blue eyes. We're both 5'6. The only difference is that she dresses like an primary school teacher. Aunt Luella loves her floral print skirts and her bird embroidered jumpers.  Meanwhile, I dress the complete opposite. I love leather jackets, skirts, fishnet tights, boots but I also LOVE oversized shirts. Oversized clothing in general is right up my street. I love it.

"They your mates over there?", she asks and nods to my friends sitting in the back corner, "go on, you can finish your shift a few minutes early." It's  11:58 and I'm meant to finish at 12. It's not really finishing early, like its two minutes. But it's two minutes I could spend talking with my friends instead of waiting tables.

"Thanks Auntie Luella" I grab my tote bag from behind the counter. There isn't a whole lot in my bag, just some money, tampons, plasters, lip gloss, mascara, my phone and my headphones. I can't go anywhere without my headphones. One time, it was 2 am and I was crying because I had no idea where they were. After a lot of crying, Dad telling me to go back to sleep and Jamie hugging me to try to calm me down, Mum found them in my bag. I felt really stupid but I just panicked a little when I couldn't find them on my bedside table, which is where they always are.

I wander over to my friends and see that the man who is sat at the table I had just cleaned, has got cake crumbs all over it. I sigh as I walk past. 

"Hi everyone." The only seat that's free is next to Alex. I sit down and place my bag down to the left of me as Matt says "Mornin'" in response.

"Alright darlin'?" Alex asked.

"mhmm"

"Jules I love your top, where did you get it from" I swear to god, Katie always wants to have my clothes.

"oh I don't know"

"can I have it?" she asks, jokingly.

"no" I laugh.

"Jules, we're going to the park on Friday night to watch the fireworks, you want to come?" Jamie asks even though he knows I hate fireworks. They're pretty to look at, very loud though. And for someone who's always tired, fireworks make me flinch every time. I don't find them scary, just loud.

"yeah sure" I answer.

I shiver. It's so fucking cold in here. God. Aunt Luella needs to put the heating on. No one else seems cold though in fact, Nick isn't wearing a hoodie or anything like that, just a t-shirt.

"you alright love" Alex nudges me after I shiver. "you seem cold, You can take my jacket"

"no its alright Alex. I'll be fine"

"Take it. You're cold"

"but I-"

"Julietta" he warned.

"I said I was fine"

"No. Take my jacket Julietta. Now" He became so suddenly stern that I flinched a little.

I watch as he takes off his hoodie. It's black with the Adidas logo on it. It's got one of those pockets that resembles a kangaroo pouch a little bit. 

I pull my top down a bit, so it covers my stomach and then put his hoodie on over the top. It's a bit big but it's nice. 

All I can smell is his cologne on the jumper.

A few hours later, Nick has driven us all home, except for Jamie, who went to Katies house. I'm sat on my bed staring at myself in the mirror. I'm staring at my stomach, which I try my best to hide at all times, however right now, I've got my shirt lifted and I'm staring right at it. 

God I hate it. Low rise jeans my nightmare. If I wear them then I have no way of concealing the thing I hate most about myself. I do have low rise jeans for some reason, I'm pretty sure Katie gave them to me, she said I'd look nice in them.

After I closed my curtains yesterday when Alex was staring at me, I couldn't help but think about the razor in the bottom right of my bathroom cabinet. There was something about it, almost as if it was drawing me in. I felt like I had to. I needed to. So I did. I carefully dragged the razor over the skin on my stomach.

Now I'm staring at the 4 straight cuts that I made on my stomach last night. Thank god I've closed my curtains, I can't risk Alex watching me again. If he sees this, he will definitely tell Jamie. 

I pick up the razer from where I've hidden it and turn it round in my hands. I have to do it again. I need to do it again.

I slowly drag the razor over the tops of my thighs and begin to cry.

I'M NOT MOCKING OR MAKING FUN OF ANYONE WITH SELF HARM, I'M SORRY IF ANY OF THE THINGS I WROTE WERE WRONG. IF YOU SELF HARM OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, FEEL FREE TO DM ME IF YOU WANNA VENT OR ANYTHING. STAY SAFE X