A Match Made In Hell (LGBTQ Romance Short Story)

Doubt & Denial

Doubt and denial is the second stage of a relationship, and remember people these stages don't happen just once in a single relationship. Each of these steps can be repeated an infinite about of times throughout a relationship, it's all in how you work through them that determines the fate of the relationship.

Doubt and Denial is where you finally start to actually notice the differences between you and your partner. Trust me...it hits you like a ton of bricks when you realize you don't have everything in common with your partner, but it's normal...don't throw their stuff out just yet. These differences could be politics, parenting, eating/sleep habits...I mean the list is literally endless. In the stage, don't do what I'm going to tell you I did in this story, learn how to de-escalate conflicts and face these differences/problems head-on rather than running away. Remember it's normal, your partner isn't a Freaky Friday Carbon Copy of you, they will have similar and differing interests from you. Take a breath, because again it's normal.

This is the true test in your relationship, I'm not talking about the situationship bullshit you Gen Zers are doing nowadays. I mean forming and nurturing an actual romantic relationship where both parties are in equal agreement. Personally, I grew up with three brothers, but it wasn't much if anything we shared. My communication and conversation skills were subpar at best, my method was to blow up and let my anger get the best of me. While it never bothered me because I really didn't like people, I actually liked Jake..but wanting to change and actually doing it became the challenge I still work on to this day.

If you both are stubborn, you'll get nowhere in a disagreement and in your relationship. Everyone wants to be right, but you shouldn't want to be right so bad that you run the person you care for the most out of your life. My number one mistake, don't do it, girls and gays, it's not worth it. It's a clear difference between wanting a partner and needing a partner, I never wanted to need anyone. I prided myself on being completely independent, not needing friends to play with, or even my mother to fix my food, and fold my clothes, I mean yeah she woke me up for school but she was also the only person who wanted me to go. To be honest, I don't think I was ready to be in a relationship & successfully pass this stage.

Upon getting back from my business trip and trying to finish my semester in college, roping Jake back into my life really helped me de-stress and focus on something that was pure serotonin for me. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment, but really liked me. What the hell was I supposed to do with that? At that point, I was ready to buy an engagement ring and some dirt. Every day we talked we figured out something new about each other and how different we were from each other. He was emo and loved to longboard, I was always into screenwriting  or relaxing. He enjoyed bars and clubs, while I enjoyed weekend getaways, trying new food places, and visiting a theme park or carnival. He was into philosophy and I understood it, but didn't find interest in majoring in it. He was more extroverted and I was a raging introvert. While laying out all of these differences killed me, I hoped that it wouldn't make him run. Back then I didn't know it was normal, it took hours of research, crying my eyes, and YouTube videos to figure out that being different didn't mean the end.

It goes back to the first word of the chapter DOUBT, a very easy word even though its meaning is complex.

First Date

Planning a first date could be the best thing you do in your life or the worst. For me, it was a shitty mix of both. Our differences made planning something we both like doing increasingly difficult. But I'm smart, I'm an Ivy League college-attending adult, We'd just do dinner and movie, where can you go wrong with that. That day I was super nervous, on top of everything this man lived an hour and 30 minutes from me.....over 75 miles. But I was determined either way, at this point, this was my man I was going to meet for the first time... literally ever. He wanted to meet at the Mall of Georgia, maybe we do a bit of light shopping, look around, grab a bit to eat, and catch our movie. I waited in the parking lot until he arrived so he wouldn't walk in by himself. Laying eyes on that man for the first time my jaw dropped. I had never seen someone so uniquely beautiful and it was kind of cute that he didn't realize it...talk about a himbo. We walked in together barely able to utter two words to each other just walking side by side in silence. We spoke a few times to each other saying what we liked in each store we went to, picking out things for the other person to look at, my nervousness started to slowly disappear and I found I had so much I wanted to talk about with him. After shopping around we ran to catch our movie, we had spent so much time talking and walking about we almost missed the movie. We bought some junk food because he insisted he wasn't hungry and we took our seats. My heart was beating out of my chest, I didn't know the right moves to make, what things to say, how to make him more comfortable in those terribly uncomfortable theater chairs. Before I knew it, he laid his head on my shoulder. I was surprised and wished it happened sooner. I enjoyed that night, a day not thinking about work, school, or the woes of being an adult in 2023. I felt like a kid again going on dates, without a worry in the world. After the movie we talked in the parking lot for hours, spilling our family secrets and stories as the mall closed and the parking lot emptied. I purposely lost track of time not ever wanting that moment to end. Towards the end of our conversation, he asked me for a kiss at the end of the night, I was stunned. A million things raced through my head, hopefully, he didn't see me in full compute mode trying to process his ask. I longly said yes and we continued talking for an hour. But that task haunted me for the next hour, what if this is the test to get a second date? God where is the fucking gum when you need it. The morning had soon come upon us and we knew we had to get going if we were going to get some sleep for our day ahead. He reiterated that he wanted a kiss, but didn't lean in. I panicked, I think he wanted me to kiss him. We both looked at each other and both awkwardly laughed, in that moment I was thinking if I had the courage I would kiss him a million times right now. He looked so freaking gorgeous, at moments breathtaking and he wanted to be with me. Fuck it, I leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips, he slowly backed away and I brought him back in for one more. We both slowly back away from each other smiling, he looked impressed. That made me feel fucking amazing.   It was the first date I'd been on since I was in high school, so you can say it was a little pressure for me to make it memorable. That night I captured some lasting memories, but I failed to make a mark on Jake, I didn't know it in time. But after a while, I knew there was a disconnect somewhere.

Over the next few weeks, we saw each other any chance we could. He would drive to spend the night with me. I would drive to get him to stay over for the weekend, I was enjoying his company and never wanted it to end. But after spending a few days in the same room/bed, we noticed things about each other. I can't tell you what he noticed, but I noticed we were oddly different. We really didn't enjoy the same past times, my life was very hectic so I was very chill and low-key at home. Jake was more into video games, I was perfectly fine with a book or a good TV show. I never got the chance to implement my plan to change that. Part of why I didn't do much, was because I never found anything I wanted to go out and do with friends or a partner. It might've come off that I was boring, but It was the furthest thing from the truth. Or maybe it was, who gives a fuck. I was fun when I needed to be. I was always open to trying new things. It bothered me that we had different interests back then, like it fucked with my mind every time he came over. I wondered if I was boring him to death with my very minimal need for extreme entertainment. I hated to think that it was something that could break us up, even though we weren't together.

One day he was staying over I could tell he had more in common with my brother than me. It normally would've made me nervous, but I thought I was boring him. My brother didn't mind playing the game all day so I asked him to bring Jake along. I sat him down later that day to ask him if it was a problem that we were different, he didn't seem to mind. Or at least that's what he told me, I never got a straight answer out of him.

Our conversation was great, we never ran out of things to talk about. Movies we enjoyed watching together and some tv shows, We were only three months in...maybe I was putting too much on it so soon. That was my thought back then, and boy was I right. You shouldn't be worried about having every single thing in common so early. You're still getting to know this person, they are still learning you. You're going to do things you like and don't like to figure out what works for you as a couple. Don't add pressure to something so new, it could crack. I wish I had the knowledge I have now back then, but it took this situationship to teach me how to approach a relationship. Having that doubt isn't something that's uncommon or abnormal, you're right to feel that way. but it's not right to keep those feelings to yourself, you must talk with your partner if they care about you... obviously, care about your feelings. Communication rules the nation, it's vital in any type of relationship. Being open and honest with your partner sets a precedent for a peaceful life. For me, I worried about everything. An overthinker, it wasn't a single thing I didn't overthink. If he didn't like the food I bought him, the movie I picked out, which side of the bed I let him sleep on, if he still liked me if he ever liked me. A million thoughts nascar'd through my mind constantly.

While I believe my overthinking and lapse of judgment started our demise, it was ultimately his decision to walk away for reasons he shared later. As we go into the next chapter keep this word with you...Disillusionment. Now that you've heard it, go google it read the definition and get ready for chapter three.