Take My Hand

Chapter 21

Mew's pov: 

I tapped my phone on the table as i gazed out at the busy street outside. 

There were a few people in the cafe i was in other than me but it was mostly empty. So it was pretty quiet. 

I haven't been out anywhere by myself in a while. 

I always have someone coming with me. 

Gulf rarely lets me out of his sight and other times Jay would accompany me since i spent most of my time with him other than with Gulf. 

And now since those kids are also here, some drag me to places. 

I'm not complaining. 

It's nice having people accompany me. I like not being alone. 

But at the same time, sometimes it's nice to have my own space too. 

I took my glass of iced coffee and took a few sips. 

I came here after finishing my session with the psychiatrist today. 

He pointed out a few things I already knew I had like anxiety and depression. 

But he said he wanted to go through a few more appointments to make sure before giving me any other diagnosis.

I've done my fair bit of research. I know I suffer from symptoms that are very commonly seen in PTSD too. But I'm no expert so I didn't try to push it. The doctor would know better after all. 

And it's good that he doesn't want to diagnose so fast. It would be better to be completely sure of it before diagnosing disorders like that after all. 

But in the meantime, he did refer me to a psychologist who can help me with my anxiety and depression as well. He said it would be better to try and see if sessions work in managing it before resorting to meds which come with their own sets of side effects. 

I sighed and looked down at my hand. It was rough and calloused because of the years of handling weapons and time spent on the battlefield. 

I've tried all the ways i could think of to keep myself distracted. To not think about them. To not let my mind go down that gutter. 

It's hard when I'm alone. My thoughts are loud and it's impossible to silence them. 

Everything comes crashing down all at once. 

All the time i wasted. All the blood i shed. All the pain i went through. Everything i gave. My whole life that i gave and can never get back. 

It's all so painful. 

A part of me isn't exactly too surprised. Because it made sense. With them being the scientists of that experiment after all. 

But i still hoped. That maybe... Just maybe... 

I groaned and shook my head, not wanting to go there. 

Fuck them. 

They've already manipulated my life enough as it is. 

I can't allow them to manipulate my mind as well. 

I looked down at my phone that was on the table in front of me when i heard it ring.  

P'Sam's name was there as the caller ID.

I picked it up and brought it to my ear. "Hello, p'Sam." 

"Hey. How did your first session go?" His voice came from the other end. 

I leaned back in my chair and looked out as i spoke. "It was fine. He didn't really tell me anything i wasn't already expecting." 

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" He asked.