Across the Stars

Chapter 24

Ahsoka bit back a bark of laughter as she took in Rex bearing the weight of her Master's new droid. The other clones were not quite as successful in concealing their amusement with their captain practically waddling with the gold and black droid attached to his chest with a harness.

As Ahsoka grinned at the men around her she was hit again by a wave of sorrow and fear. She oversaw these people, and she knew not all of them would be making it past this own mission, not even considering the war. Shira, a childhood friend, and mentor, had visited her to congratulate her on her acceptance as a padawan and promotion to commander when they had returned to Coruscant briefly after picking up new recruits at Rishi. She had seemed scared herself, and asked Ahsoka how she was handling the new responsibility. Ahsoka hadn't known how to respond.

Shira had given her a reassuring smile and looked deep into Ahsoka's eyes before saying. "Ahsoka. I trust you." The words had carried a wave of reassurance and confidence to her, but moments later was overshadowed by a desperate look in Shira's eyes. Ahsoka had smiled at her friend and thanked her, bewildered as to why this conversation had taken a pleading tone.

As she looked at these men under her command, she thought she finally understood. These men all had friends that were desperate for them to return from each mission, and was it possible that Shira herself was counting on one of these men coming home?

Snips. Breathe. In and out.
Ahsoka took a rattling breath in, not realizing she had been holding her breath, her mind pulled her back to one of her first lessons with her master.

***

Shortly after the battle of Christophses Anakin had found Ahsoka in her room curled into the fetal position, her hands pulling on her lekku, trying desperately to cut herself off from the force because the Force was crying out in agony. Ahsoka was surrounded by men grieving their lost brothers and the guilt of those in command as they read through the names of those who had been killed or wounded.

Anakin had entered the room and Ahsoka shot to her feet blinking away tears and setting her jaw, not wanting her new master to change her mind about taking her as her Padawan. She could handle this.

Anakin simply looked at his new padawan for a minute before striding across the room without a word and wrapping her up in a tight embrace.

Surprised, Ahsoka stiffened at first, and didn't return the hug. Unsure what to do. It didn't take her long though to eventually wrap her small arms around his waist and buried her face in the folds of his Jedi robes.

For the first time since they had met, Anakin slowly opened himself to a force bond with Ahsoka. Not wanting to let it go Ahsoka snatched onto the whispers of connection and threaded her life force with his.

"You will lose lives in this war, Ahsoka. Lives under your command."

"But as a Jedi I'm supposed to protect life Master. Not lose it."

"Then count the lives you did protect today Ahsoka."

Ahsoka screwed her eyes closed and tried to picture the soldiers and people she had saved. It wasn't working. All she saw and felt was the pain of those lost. Her breath came hard and fast, her heart slamming against her rib cage, each pound a rush of guilt.

My fault.

My Fault.

MY FAULT.