For the last ten years, I had loved Valentine's Day. I'd had Ben by my side every year, waking me up with kisses and flowers.
This year, though, I woke up alone. The realisation hit me almost instantly and tears pooled in my eyes. I rolled over to face what used to be Ben's side of the bed and reached out, imagining him still laid beside me. It didn't work very well and I found myself crying silently into my pillow a few minutes later when Nathaniel knocked on the door.
"Dad? Are you awake?"
"Yeah." I sniffed and sat up, wiping away my tears. Nathaniel pushed open the door and came into the room, Alexis following behind you.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Dad." Nathaniel held out a silver wrapped box and I smiled at him.
"Nate, you didn't have to get me anything. It's not my birthday."
"I know. But it's your first Valentine's without Ben. So Alexis and I decided to get you something to show you that we still love you."
"Thanks, buddy." I reached out to him so I could hug him as Alexis sat beside me.
"Open it, daddy."
"I'm getting there. Hold on." I laughed and tore at the paper, grinning when I saw the box inside. It was housing a coffee mug that had one of those inspirational quotes. "Aw, thanks, guys."
"You're welcome." Alexis hugged me now and I hugged her back.
"Have you had breakfast yet?"
"No. We were waiting for you." Nathaniel told me and I nodded.
"Why don't we go out for breakfast? Something different?"
"Yes please." Alexis bounced on her knees beside me in excitement.
"Alright. We'll go in half an hour." As the kids hurried out the door, I caught a glimpse of the clock and called out again. "Wear something nice. We'll go straight to Nick's after."
"Okay!" Nathaniel yelled back and I smiled, climbing out of bed slowly. About two weeks ago, Nick had cornered me in the staffroom and informed me that I was spending Valentine's Day with him and his family this year. Despite all my protests that he should spend it alone with his wife he had insisted, promising that he and Imogen would have their own celebration another day.
I made my way to the bathroom to wake up a bit more, turning on the hot water in the shower so that the room steamed up. I didn't actually want or need a shower; I just liked the steam and I hadn't had time to let it steam up like this since before Ben left. Today just felt like the perfect day for it. For a few moments, I stood at the vanity, my eyes closed and just willing my brain to forget about Ben for the day. When I opened my eyes again, I almost fell over. In the fogged-up mirror was a note written in Ben's handwriting.
Have a great day, C. Love you. xoxo Ben
He must have written it before I kicked him out. I felt tears building up again and I reached out to wipe the message away but I couldn't do it. There was a tiny, minuscule part of me that still loved Ben and was stopping me from wiping it away. Instead, I turned off the shower and switched on the fan so that the mirror was no longer fogged up and I was left looking at my own reflection. I have no explanation for what happened next.
For the first time in months, I really saw myself. I saw the dark blue and purple marks under my eyes from the endless nights of restless, fitful sleep. I saw how my hair had gone limp and dull, it's usual springy curls just lying flat against my head. I saw how thin and gaunt my face, and the rest of my body, had become. I didn't like it. I hated it. I hated how one person had been the cause of all this.
Right then and there, I made myself a promise that I would no longer spend my days moping over Ben. There was no logical reason to do it anymore. He had moved on and was living with the guy he'd cheated on me with. It was time for me to do the same. Granted; I had the kids to worry about which would make the whole 'moving on' thing hard to do where my love life was concerned. But I wasn't going to let Ben dictate my life anymore.
--------------------
Having made my pact to myself earlier in the day, I found it so hard to sit in the living room at Nick and Imogen's place for the majority of the day. They weren't necessarily being obnoxious about the fact that they were still married but they did share a lot of looks and subtle touches throughout the day. I guess I could give them a hall-pass for it because it was Valentine's Day but still; it made my heart ache a little that I no longer had someone who would look at me the way they looked at each other. That I didn't have someone to spend today with who would take every possible chance to be near me, to touch me.
"...and so she just looks at me like 'what did I do wrong?'. I didn't have the heart to tell her about her hair." Nick was in fits of laughter at the story Imogen was telling us about one of her work interns who had completely flopped on asking out a girl.
"That's kinda mean, if you think about it." I said. "I mean, if you'd told her that her hair looked like that, she might have appreciated it."
"Yeah. I did tell her. It was just later. She was so embarrassed." Imogen admitted and I nodded, glancing at the clock on the wall for the thousandth time.
"I'll bet. Well, we should probably get going."
"Oh, no. Don't go. We were having so much fun." Nick whined from his spot beside Imogen. She currently had his legs draped over her husband's lap and was curled into his side like a koala. It was actually quite adorable.
"I know. But Nathaniel's got an early practice tomorrow morning so..." I trailed off and glanced at Nathaniel who was looking like he was about to disagree with me. He didn't actually have anything on tomorrow but I wanted to go home and spend some time trying to figure out how I was going to move on with my life.
"Okay then. But at least give me a hug before you go." Nick was a little tipsy from the two glasses of wine he'd had at lunch. I had to laugh at the look on his face as I stood up and came over to him.
"Sure. You have to stand up, though. You're kind of far down there." I have no idea how he managed to untangle himself from Imogen and stand up as fast as he did but he threw his arms around me and hugged me tight.
"I love you, Charlie." My eyes were wide as I looked at Imogen who just laughed.
"He does that. The slightest bit of alcohol and he's telling everyone he loves them forever."
"Oh." I laughed a little too, freeing myself from Nick. "Well, thanks for today, guys. It's been good."
"Anytime, Charlie. Hopefully it wasn't as bad a day as it could have been."
"No. It definitely wasn't." I made sure Alexis and Nathaniel had all their things before giving Imogen a brief hug as she walked us to the door. Nick had flopped back onto the sofa and refused to get up so I just waved at him. "See you on Monday, Nick."
"Bye." He mumbled, pouting to himself. Imogen and I just laughed at his antics. It had been a good day.
