After almost a couple of mins, Mini lifted her head. Mini's gaze was cold and deprived from emotions and she stared at him blankly.
Mini: Neil.... Why do you want to be with me?
Neil got numbed with her question and unable to believe his ears, blinked his eyes multiple times.
Neil: Kya... bola.... tumne?
Mini: Why do you want to be with me?.... Why do you want to handle me?... Kyu tum mujhe sambhaalna chahte ho?..... Kyu mujhe support dena chahte ho?... Tum mujhe chod kyu nahi dete?... Why don't you just move on from me?.... Abhi nahi to kabhi na kabhi to cope up kar lungi.... Main sambhaal lungi khud ko... tum kyu apni life me mujhe saath rakhna chahte ho?
Neil: (worriedly caressing her head and cheek) Kya bol rahi ho Mini tum?.... Kya ho gaya hai tumhe?... Kaisi behki behki baatein kar rahi ho?.... Hosh me to ho tum?
Mini: Main hosh me hu Neil.... Sach bol rahi hu.... Practically socho na... Why should you....
Neil: (interrupting) Tum hosh me hote hue soch bhi kaise sakti ho ki main tumhe chod du?
Mini: Neil... I know you are shocked but.... but.... (her breaths got heavier with her voice and she lowered her head) I am not that Mini who was strong enough to walk with you, beside you on any path... I don't deserve your care.... I don't deserve your support... I don't deserve you..... Itne dino me hi... Tumhe har waqt mujhe sambhaalte rehna pada hai.... What if this continues and I couldn't overcome?..... Think practically... You should leave me.... I..
Neil felt his heart breaking into fragments as Mini said these last words.
He knew the feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness, guilt and self doubt are the symptoms of CPTSD but still couldn't cope up with these last words and was hurt.
Neil: (kept his finger on her lips and a hurtful fury emerged on his face) Shhhh..... Don't you ever dare to say this again.... You got it?....
Mini looked at his face and he continued.
Neil: (suppressing his anger on her last words, held her by her shoulder with a firm grip) Zindagi me kuch bhi ho jaaye.... Tumne kabhi aisa bola na to mujhse bura koi nahi hoga.... Samjhi tum?....
Mini was listening to him silently, lowering her gaze.
Neil: Tum chahti ho na... main tumhe chod du.... Matlab samjhti ho tum iss baat ka?..... Chalo ek kaam karte hai..... (with a hurtful tearful face and tone laced in sarcasm) Maan leta hu main tumhari baat..... To tum hi bata do mujhe.... Kis din chodu main tumhe taaki tum mera mar jaana bardaasht kar sak....
Mini immediately kept her hand on his mouth.
Mini: Mat bolo aisa....
Neil: (Removing her hand from his mouth and holding her hands not to stop him further) Kyu?.... Tumne hi kaha na.... Tum abhi nahi to kabhi na kabhi to cope up kar hi logi.... Ab tumhare bina jeene ka to sawaal hi paida nahi hota.... To yeh bhi cope up kar lena.... Main tumhare saath na rahu to farak kya padta hai?.... Vaise hi... Main zinda hu ya nahi tumhe kya?
Mini: (restlessly) Mat bolo na aisa Neil... pls Mat bolo....
Neil: Kyu na bolu?... Ha Mini?... Kyu na bolu main aisa?... Ab jab tumhe aisa lagne hi laga hai ki tum mere bina apni life guzaar sakti ho to tumhe farak nahi hi padna chahiye ki main hu ya nahi.
Mini: (breathed out heavily and cried out with pain) Mat bolo aisa... (pulled in her breath) Main... main nahi jhel paungi... mat bolo pls... mat bolo....
She felt dizziness overpowering her and she fainted.
Neil: (tensed) Mini?...
He sprinkled water on her face and tears rolled down his eyes in guilt. He should have handled her with care and support but he wasn't able to handle himself this time.
For the past week, he had been hiding all his vulnerabilities and his emotions for them not to be visible to Mini but her one set of words burst out the blockage that too with an emotional stab and he wasn't able to handle himself after that.
Mini opened her eyes slowly and saw tears held in his eyes and guilt on his face.
Neil: (emotionally) I am sorry Mini.... Mujhe nahi react karna chahiye tha aise.... I am sorry.... I know you need constant assurance phir bhi.... Main sambhaal nahi paaya.... I am sorry...
Mini: (sat up with Neil's support and lowered her head) Maine hurt kar diya na tumhe?.... Tum mujhe har pal support kar rahe ho... aur main?... maine tumhe hi hurt kar diya Neil... Isiliye keh rahi hu Neil main.... I don't deserve you... Main nahi hu vo Mini jisse tumne pyar kiya tha.... Main nahi hu vo Mini jisko tum chahte the.... Maine kho diya hai uss Mini ko.... Main haar gayi hu Neil.... Main already haar chuki hu.... Main nahi lad sakti aur... Main nahi hu.... nahi hu itni brave itni strong.... Main nahi hu vo Mini jispe tumhe proud feel hota tha.... Main nahi hu vo Mini jisne apni himmat se tumhe heal kiya tha Neil.... Main nahi hu vo Mini jisko tum apne jeene ki wajah maante the.... Main to yeh mushkilein tak nahi bardaasht kar paa rahi hu.... Main itna bhi overcome nahi kar paa rahi hu... Tum kisi tarah katra katra karke mujhe jodte rahoge aur ek aise hi yeh haunting flashbacks ke halke jhonke se main bikhar jaungi har baar.... Har waqt tumpe dependent to nahi reh sakti na main... Kab tak sambhaaloge tum mujhe?.... I don't want to be a burden on you...
Her words stabbed his heart much harder than a thousand daggers but still he endured it as he knew he can't react on it furiously loosing his control again like he had done a few minutes ago mistakenly.
Neil: (holding her shoulders softly this time) Mini.... yaar tum zindagi ho meri.... Koi kab tak apni zindagi ko sambhaalta hai?.... Main tab tak tumhe sambhaal sakta hu jab tak meri aakhri saans nahi le leta...
Mini sobbed but still couldn't raise her gaze.
Neil: (caressing her cheek) You always were.... You are... And You will always be.... My Mini.... the Mini whom I live for..... Bhale hi tum jeeto ya haaro... farak nahi padta.... Bhale hi tum lado ya nahi.... farak nahi padta.... bhale hi tum strong ho ya nahi... farak nahi padta... Tum jinhe sirf mushkilein keh rahi ho.... tum jaanti ho usse itna overcome karna bhi kitni badi baat hai?.... Dr ne mujhe discharge ke pehle hi bol diya tha ki tumhe recover hone ki koshish tak karne me mahine lag jayenge Mini... Par aaj... sirf ek hafte me unhi Dr ne bola hai ki tum recover karne ki koshish shuru kar chuki ho... Yeh bahot badi baat hai.
Mini: (still with her gaze lowered) Aur.... agar... agar main..... Main nahi ban paayi vo strong Mini phir se to?... Aisehi agar itni itni si problems ki wajah se main tootke bikharti rahi to?... Main kabhi lad hi nahi paayi to?... Kabhi iss trauma se nikal hi nahi paayi to?
Neil: Zaroori hai har baar strong bane rehna?... Zaroori hai har baar problem ke beech bhi atoot khade rehna?... Zaroori hai har kadam pe ladna?... Tum bhi to insaan hi ho na Mini?... You can also be vulnerable... You can also shatter down... You can also get tired..... Agar aage tum cope up nahi kar paayi tum... agar nahi lad paayi tum... agar nahi ban paayi strong... agar tootkar yunhi bikharti rahi na... tab bhi.... tab bhi kuch nahi badlega... Tum meri Mini thi... ho aur hamesha rahogi... Main tumhara Neil tha... hu aur hamesha rahunga.
Mini glanced at him with tears in her eyes and lowered her gaze again, sobbing slowly.
Neil: Let's go and get your emotional mess cleared off first.
Neil stood up from the bed and taking the comforter, draped around Mini as she was in the bathrobe and lifted her up.
YOU ARE READING
Meetha sa Ruhani ISHQ (Sequel)
FanfictionTrying to write my version of Sounoor as Mineil. The story continues from the previous book of this series. Those who are reading, please watch Patiala Babes on Sony LIV from episode number 257 to 349 and then read this series. It's an amazing show...
