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Dating The Ice Prince - Detailed Feedback

I always admire authors who take tropes and spin them to make them fun, fresh, and interesting. Overall, you did a great job with your story, and I hope you keep updating it. Most of my suggestions are technical, which is very good since those are the easiest parts to fix, in my opinion.

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What Didn't Work:

Let's start with technical suggestions.

There are major tense issues where the tense flips between past and present incorrectly. I would suggest keeping a consistent tense. You flip flop between past and present often, so I have no idea if your story is intended to be in present or past tense. I think present, but sometimes there are current actions, like dialogue tags, that are put in past tense instead of present tense. It's okay to use past tense in present tense, like when you're describing past actions (in the story's timeline), but not in the present timeline.

I would suggest spending more time editing and proofreading the story. There were some errors like misspells and spacing inconsistencies. For example, there were times the spacing was off like this: "...too much to the stranger.Looking at him..." See the lack of space between stranger and looking? That's from chapter one. "Breathes" is also used quite often, and sometimes it is misspelled as "breaths." Sometimes there are indents, sometimes there are not. Things like that can be cleaned up in the editing process, which is why I recommend prioritizing that. The formatting of the story is very off, I'd suggest making it one way or the other: with indents or without them, it's distracting when it's inconsistent, if that makes sense.

Dialogue tags are mostly right, but there are times they are incorrect, mostly when you use an exclamation mark. For example, "I pray to God and to the Dark Lords!" She exclaims. It should be: "I pray to God and to the Dark Lords!" she exclaims. For tags, they need to be lowercase no matter what the end punctuation is. Unless the tag is a proper noun, make sure it's lowercase.

Remember if you are using a dialogue tag, the dialogue cannot end with a period. Such as, "The fake ones, of course. Eugh." She commented in disgust.

That's an example of the tense issues. If you're writing in present tense, the tag should be "comments." Here is the corrected version:

"The fake ones, of course. Eugh," she comments in disgust.

I'd recommend using less adverbs. You overuse quickly, really, and aggressively throughout the story, but many other adverbs are unnecessary. Remember adverbs are telling over showing, so if you can avoid using them often, I'd recommend that.

Lastly, I'd recommend not using all caps. They're extremely hard to read, distracting, and can come off as overdramatic. They're also an example of telling over showing. I'd suggest using different tactics, like description and italics, to put emphasis on certain parts of the story.

Let's move into creative suggestions:

The first chapter starts with a little too much exposition for my liking. The opening statement is a good hook, but the rest being all exposition doesn't work for me. I feel like describing Japan, her dream job, her current situation, and her frustrations at her job all at the start of the first chapter is a bit much and it can be tightened to get to the meat of the chapter a bit faster.

Be careful about comparing things like Japanese celebrities to Korean celebrities and their scandals. All the scandals you mentioned Japanese celebrities go through, some of the most famous K-pop scandals of all time involve those aspects as well, making the statement "Famous people scandals in Japan were not your standard dating rumors and allegations just like some random K-pop superstars in Korea" very inaccurate. Some of the biggest scandals revolve around drugs and violence, such as the entire BIGBANG situation, GLAM situation, S#arp situation, the terrible story behind the extremely popular "Coming Of Age Ceremony," etc. 

I didn't really see the point of comparing these two completely different countries when it didn't add anything to the story or the severity of the crimes you described. You don't need to compare scandals to make Japan's scandals seem more serious, if that makes sense. Not to mention it feels like you're misrepresenting how terrible the K-pop industry is and how many kids it destroys, how many crazy fans it creates, and how many idols and other celebrities have suffered from s//cidal thoughts and even going beyond that, but for sake of not wanting to TW this chapter, I won't specifically say anything.

Those kinds of statements can come off as insensitive toward what Korean stars have been through when you're comparing two completely different countries that don't have much correlation, especially when you consider the history between Japan and South Korea and how Japan drove SK to the ground. I hope that makes sense.

I know that's such a small thing, but I thought I'd bring it up since my goal with this book is to share a reader's perspective, and that was mine.

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Side Note:

I would suggest making it a little more clear if this is a ff or an original. The disclaimer says any resemblance to actual people and events is purely coincidental, but Yuzuru, a real person, is in the tags. You also said in your a/n that you wrote this for Fanyus, which gives the impression that this is fanfic, or, at least, a story where the male lead resembles and acts like Yuzuru. 

I only know Yuzuru is a figure skater and nothing else, so I have no idea if the male lead resembles and acts like Yuzuru, which is why I'm saying the a/n and overall presentation of the story gives the impression that this is a fanfic or, at least, a story where the male lead is very much like Yuzuru. Especially since the male lead is referred to as the ice prince of Japan, which is how Yuzuru is referred to, if I'm not mistaken (that's how I know him).

Do you see why that'd be a bit confusing to someone not in the fandom?

There's nothing wrong with it being an original or a fanfic, but I would just suggest making it a bit more clear in the description of the story, especially if you're trying to appeal to a larger audience.

I'm not saying you have to change it or anything, that's why this is a side note and not in the main part of the chapter, but it is something to keep in mind depending on your intended target audience.

Summary:

- Great worldbuilding

- Good character dynamics

- Nice attention to detail

- Solid word choice

- Interesting writing style and overall presentation of the story

- Strong execution of the premise

- Some technical issues

- Consider tightening some of the exposition in the beginning

- Some telling over showing suggestions

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Overall:

Dating The Ice Prince is a mature story that knows how to stay consistent with its tone and themes. It doesn't hide from the darkness in Japan, but it also gives light and fun when needed. I recommend this story to anyone looking for an impactful read, just keep in mind there are many trigger warnings for this book.

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Thank you for submitting your story. I enjoyed reading it and discovering a new world. It was fun to take a look inside your wonderful mind and get a taste of this story. I hope I get more time in the future so I can read any updates you make, and also your future works if you choose to publish more.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I know it's a detailed review, but even by my standards, this is getting long. I hope you keep writing, and please let me know if you have any questions.