Anna (Go To Him)

Chapter 41

When I'd finally cried myself into silence, she gently pulled away from me, smoothing my tangled hair with a soft hand. "Lay down and rest, Anna. This is a conversation that deserves tea. I'm going to make us a cuppa. Will ye be alright for a mo'?"

I nodded, feeling drained. She pushed me back under the covers, drawing the sheet up around my ears. "Danny, can you keep Auntie company for a minute?" My nephew nodded his assent, running over to climb up the bed and plant a sweet kiss on my cheek, then returning just as quickly to his cars and aeroplanes.

I smiled, in spite of myself, and snuggled back under the blankets, grateful for Eileen and feeling some small measure of relief from having unburdened myself to at least one person who mattered. It certainly didn't solve anything but it was a start.

***

"How are ye gonna tell him?" Eileen asked pointedly, sipping her steaming cup and settling back in our dad's favourite leather armchair. I'd ultimately decided to move our conversation down to the sitting room, since I was starting to feel better, though I was still swathed in a fluffy bathrobe and thick blanket on the sofa. Daniel, full of beans, was taking turns placing toy vehicles into each of our laps while we chatted.

"I don't know if I can tell 'im, 'Leen. Not yet. His contract just got extended to the end of November. They're doing really well. This would..." I shook my head. "It would completely throw a spanner in the works."

"Yes, well, babies do that." She said, eyeing her firstborn. "Can't be helped."

"Yeah, but what is he supposed to do?" I argued. "Drop everything and come running back to here to, what, marry me or sommat?" Fat chance that would happen.

"Um, yeah!" Eileen burst out in exasperation, her Scouse accent slipping to the surface. "Ideally! He got ye into this situation, Anna, he needs to take some responsibility for it. Men get too many free passes as it is." She griped, impassioned. "So, yeah, he'd better come back and take care o' ye or I'm gonna have his bollocks." She finished this rant with a delicate sip of tea.

I fought the urge to both laugh and cry at this display of bravado from my sister – I knew there was no way in hell I was going to ask John to cut his Hamburg contract short for me; that was a surefire way to create lasting resentment in our relationship. Additionally, the idea of forcing him to marry me created an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that had nothing to do with my illness.

I looked out the window at the cloudy mist of an autumn morning. "I don't know that I want all that, 'Leen." I said quietly, without looking at her. "At least not right now..."

She paused in the midst of handing a toy to Daniel. "What do you mean by that?"

I turned back to her. "I am so happy that you found Jimmy and that you've created a beautiful family together but...I want other things from my life first."

She fixed me with a piercing stare. "Are ye sayin' that you don't want this baby, Anna?"

I shrunk before her gaze but I knew in my heart that it was true. I had too many other things I wanted to do right now. I nodded, slowly.

She let out a breath and sat back. "It's tough, Anna, but adoption can be arranged." She studied me carefully, a strange expression on her face. "But you need to be sure – it's one of the more painful decisions you'll ever have to make."

I saw an obvious flicker of pain across her features as she said that. "'Leen, I...I just think we're too young..." I trailed off as I saw her face crumple and she was suddenly wiping tears from her eyes. "Eileen? What is it?"

She raised her watery sea-green eyes to me, "Dammit, Anna! I just don't want to see you treat this flippantly! I...you don't know all the trouble I went through to get those condoms for you! I was trying to protect ye from...from all this!"