the soul in the past | bada lee

007 | (how hurt have i been) in this world

Standing in front of your door, you felt a peculiar mixture of anticipation and hesitation swirling within you. The seconds ticked by as you contemplated your next move, and then, with a deep breath, you decided to open it. As the door swung open, your eyes met Bada, who was casually leaning against the wall, and in her hand, she held a pink rose.

"This is for you." She said, extending the rose towards you while tilting her head to the left. "You look so beautiful."

"Thank you, Bada." You responded, inviting her to step inside. "Feel free to make yourself comfortable. Also, would you like some tea or coffee?" The question flowed naturally from your lips as you ushered her in, closing the door behind you.

Hospitality had always held a special place in your heart, and you were determined to make her feel welcome, even if you were very anxious.

"Just a glass of water, please." She requested as she settled onto your couch. Her eyes wandered around the room, taking in the unique décor of your apartment. "Your place is so cute" Bada remarked, appreciating the attention to detail that characterized your living space.

With a sense of efficiency, you filled up two glasses of water- one intended for your flower, which you placed on the counter, and the other for Bada.

As you approached, you initially contemplated sitting on a nearby chair. However, Bada gently patted the couch, silently conveying her preference for you to sit next to her- complying with her unspoken request, you settled beside her as you gave her the glass of water.

"I am feeling quite nervous." you confessed, punctuating the admission with a nervous giggle.

Bada, wearing a look of genuine confusion, responded, "Why? I mean, I can somewhat imagine how you might feel if I put myself in your shoes..."

You averted your gaze, shifting your focus to the coffee table, a gesture that emphasized the vulnerability you felt.

"What do you mean, 'why'?" You began to talk, your voice tinged with a hint of pain. "You left me alone for an entire year without any explanation. You broke my heart, Bada." A deep sigh escaped your lips as you continued, "I cried every day, convinced it was my fault, thinking I wasn't good enough for you, believing you had found someone better. But then, it dawned on me that perhaps you used me because you thrived on attention."

The weight of your words hung in the air, revealing the layers of hurt and confusion you accumulated over the past year.

"I... Fuck." You cursed, your words stumbling out as you fought with your emotions. "I fell in love with you, truly. I tried everything to erase you from my thoughts, even doing things I am not proud of, but it is impossible to forget you."

You took a second to try and gather your thoughts before continuing. "You are inescapable. I would open TikTok, and there you were, dancing with idols. I would scroll through Instagram, and you would be there. For fuck's sake, even people who had no idea about our history talked about you being their dream girl, and I would listen to them trying not to break down."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you spoke, the raw emotion of your confession breaking through. "You seemed happier without me." You said.

Overwhelmed by the surge of emotions, you brought your trembling hands to your face in a desperate attempt to hide tears. You felt embarrassed as you felt you ruined this long-awaited conversation. Amid your quiet sobs, you suddenly felt Bada's hand caressing your trembling back.

"Look at me, please." Her voice tinged with genuine concern. "Let me see your pretty face." She tried to convince you.

Bada placed a hand on your shoulder, a gentle yet reassuring action- it was as if she wanted you to share your feelings with her. With her guidance, you slowly turned to face her, your tear-filled eyes meeting hers.

For the first time, you saw a flicker of genuine concern in Bada's expression. Her usually confident and composed demeanor had softened, revealing a natural authenticity beneath the façade. In that brief moment, you witnessed a side of her you had not expected– one that was genuinely worried about you. It was as if the roles had momentarily reversed, and she, too, had been caught off guard by the intensity of the situation.

"Can I hug you?" she asked, her voice soft and filled with hope. In response, you nodded, silently granting permission.

Without hesitation, she moved even closer, her arms enveloping you by the waist in a tender, compassionate hug. The world seemed to fade away as she held you close, her head resting atop yours. You clung to her tightly and desperately, your grip conveying a longing for solace, understanding, and the reassurance that this connection, however complicated, still held significance.

"It is okay if you cannot forgive me, but please, just hear me out." Bada implored, her arms still wrapped around you as she spoke. Her voice carried the weight of sincerity and remorse. "Everything was so unbelievably complicated for me. I desperately needed to confess my feelings for you- they were suffocating me, and I needed to tell you. That day, when we arrived at your apartment, my studio did call me- it was not just an excuse to escape."

You listened as Bada took a deep breath, her openness becoming increasingly evident. "You were the first person I ever truly fell in love with." She admitted. "I was scared, confused, and terrified of disappointing my family and friends. I had taken that monumental step of telling you how I felt, but I was selfish, weak, and afraid to fight for you."

Her voice quivered as she continued. "I thought about you every single day. I daydreamed about scenarios where we could be together, where things could have been different." She admitted. "And, just to clarify, I understand that people like me for my looks or personality, but I do not seek that attention. I know that my personality can be quite daring, but there is something about seeing you flustered that I find irresistible. It is not about playing games- it is about seeing you react, knowing that I affect you."

In the aftermath of your heartfelt confessions, a profound understanding enveloped both of you. As time passed, neither of you broke the embrace- the gentle rhythm of your breaths synchronized, and the warmth of each other's presence provided comfort. You could not resist the urge to reach out, your fingers tracing delicate patterns through Bada's hair- as a way of saying that you were there for her too.