I Loved You Before I Met You (New Version)

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   Change. Change is constant. Change is inevitable. Change can be good or bad. For me, Kyler Shay Adams, change just sucks. I'm currently 17 years old but I honestly look much older. I'm 5'9" tall and I have black hair and natural tan skin. I have brown eyes, full lips and dimples that are always on display even when I'm not smiling.

   I am really obsessed with tattoos also. I got my first tattoo of an arrow on my collarbone for my 16th birthday. My mom knew I was obsessed with tattoos so that was a perfect gift for my birthday since that was all I had been asking for.

   Since my first tattoo, I have gotten five more. I have an arrow on my collarbone, a poem on the left side of my ribs, a rose wrap around my right forearm, a skull with flowers on my left thigh, a feather on top of my right foot and a quote on my left bicep. I think tattoos are sexy, well on most people and if they are done correctly.

   I am a lesbian and to me everything about the female body is sexy, complex and so... delicious. I am still a virgin even though I have messed with a few girls. I just like giving pleasure and honestly, I haven't found a female that I am extremely attracted to or had an instant connection with that I wanted to fully give myself to. I'm mostly attracted to older women so that's basically what I'm holding out for. I don't know what it is about older women but they are so attractive and so damn sexy. By older women, I mean at least six or more years older than me.

   I've never been in a relationship mainly because of events from my past, well my moms past actually but it affected me seeing what she went through. I guess you could say I'm scared of the outcome and just don't want to put myself out there. Seeing how a relationship can end and the pain that comes from it first hand. Just being broken in the end is not for me.

   Speaking of pain, a little over a month ago my life changed forever. I have woken up nearly every day since wishing it was just all a bad dream. It's not though, and I have to face reality every morning knowing my life will never be the same again. I am left with a void in my life, just an empty hole in my heart.

   I currently have my suitcase packed and I'm sitting in the living room of my Aunt Mary's house in Pensacola, Florida. I'm sitting here at 7 a.m. waiting until time to leave for the airport. I'm actually dreading going to the airport but apparently I don't have a say so over my own life since I'm not 18. Aunt Mary is my mom's sister and I have been living with her for a little over a month after my mom passed away. She is the only other family I have on my mother's side that's still alive. She automatically took me in after the accident.

   My mom and I were in a car wreck at the beginning of February. We were on our way home from our weekend at Pensacola Beach. We lived in Pensacola and spent every weekend at the beach. That was our favorite place and thing to do together. My mom was driving and I was in the front passenger seat. We were listening to Fleetwood Mac and we were both singing along. We liked most of the same music so there was never an argument over a radio station in the car. My mom was just a cool and awesome person.

   A drunk driver ran the stop sign at a four way stop about a mile from our house and slammed into the driver side of our car. The impact was so hard it caused our car to flip four times before finally landing upside down. It was like everything happened in slow motion upon impact. I remember the impact, the sounds of metal grinding against metal then the sounds of our car slamming against the asphalt and glass shattering everywhere and flip after flip after flip after flip. I remember screaming for my mom and never getting a response and I remember seeing blood everywhere before everything went black.

   I woke up in the hospital with cuts and bruises on my arms, legs and a few on my face. My left arm was in a cast and I had a huge bandage around my right thigh because a 5" piece of glass had gone into my thigh during the accident. My mom on the other hand wasn't so lucky. She died during the accident and the drunk driver that hit us only had minor injuries. It's not fair that someone like that could walk away from an accident they caused with minor injuries and someone as pure as my mom had to lose her life over a stupid decision. At least the police were waiting on him to be released and they were taking him into custody and he was being charged with DUI and manslaughter.

   I am so lost in my thoughts and memories from the accident that I wasn't paying attention to Aunt Mary calling my name until she was snapping her fingers in front of my face. "Ok Kyler it's time to go," she says. My flight is at 10:20 a.m. and I am flying into San Antonio, TX. I am not excited about this one bit and wish I could just live with Aunt Mary. However, since my... sperm donor is still alive and my other legal guardian, I'm off to Texas to live with him.

   I will not turn 18 until March 22 and even if I was already 18, it's not like I can afford my own place plus Aunt Mary says it is best for me to go live with Mike, my so-called dad and try to mend our relationship. She loves me, treats me like a daughter and wants what is best for me. I know she thinks living with him is best but I have to disagree. Plus I only have two months of school left before graduating so I think this move is stupid. Aunt Mary said we will talk and visit as much as possible. As of this moment my life sucks and I don't see how it can ever get any better. There is definitely nothing to look forward to with this change.

   It's crazy how I'm the same age my mom was when she had me. She was 17 and the ol' sperm donor Mike was 20. After mom graduated high school and he was already in college, they got married. He cheated on mom once when I was four, then when I was eight, she found out he had been cheating on her for the past two years. She kicked him out, filed for divorce and I haven't seen him since. After he first left, he would call on my birthday sometimes but not often. I guess for him I was more of an out of sight out of mind daughter. He paid child support so that helped my mom out a lot I guess, I mean we never struggled so it must have. At least he did something right after all. I guess he wasn't a complete deadbeat, just an asshole.

   That asshole hurt my mom so bad. He was my mom's first love and they say it's always harder to get over your first love. I guess that's why everything with him affected her so much. Everyday I watched her being depressed and heard her cry herself to sleep for months. Even though I was young, I knew she was in pain emotionally and heartbroken. She always tried to put on a brave face for me and act like she was fine. I knew better and there was nothing I could do to mend her broken heart after what he did to her.

   I loved my mom and she loved me and she always said that was all she needed. As I got older she got better and wasn't depressed anymore but she never dated again. She always said she was happy on her own. I think she was scared of having a broken heart again.