The Life of Eirḗnē

Chapter 1: First Time

Sara

Flashback

6 years ago

Normally, at the age of thirteen, teens around that age would be obsessed with when their favorite TV show series will be out, or when they can hang out with their friends on the weekends.

Whereas, I was always home alone every day of the week and weekend, I spent a huge part of my free time practically drooling over a boy band called BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) and only understanding my own emotions and no one else's. In reality, that was the only escape in my life which was full of misery and desperately wishing that things could change for the better.

I woke up every day trying to find the answer to 'When will I get my chance to enjoy my life?' or 'How can I stop this dreadful feeling of wanting to die?' so basically I wasn't your typical thirteen year old ready to enjoy life.

Instead, I was always on the edge of everything else. At the young age of twelve, I unfortunately discovered what depression feels and looks like. I was raised by a single mother who was a workaholic.

Day and night shifts consumed her time, she never took a day off unless she felt ill. The only time I really get to see my mom is every morning prior to going to school. We never got to bond much because neither of us were good at expressing emotions, especially with understanding once in a while.

I felt upset, as I was always under the impression of how much she would put work first and leave me second every time. She would promise me things that only I took to heart but she wouldn't. She would argue with me instead of trying to understand where I was coming from.

I felt that my heart was left behind whenever I needed her beside me. I realized, the only way to deal with my own problems without feeling my mother's invalidation was to shut myself out and not need her emotional support or anyone else's.

It was until the day I got added in a group chat full of k-pop stans who were just as obsessed as me, that I feel I finally found my kind of people, if you will. It was then that I had met her. To me, she stood out the most out of all the members of the group. She wasn't loud or quiet either but was really fond of expressing profoundly about certain situations when it comes to sharing our experiences in life.

Which I found really surprising especially for someone her age. As months went by, we grew closer over shared experiences. Somehow, we co-created comfort within each other to share our problems openly. I felt like I was lending a hand to someone who I considered a younger, more pure version of me. She felt like an ever-lasting tulip as she had this enduring love from within.

Unknowingly, I had become the older sister she never had, a friend she can lean on. Most importantly a person whom she can ask anytime and day if ever she needs someone to be alongside her. We became each other's safe space.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Leia

6 years ago

It was late 2017, and K-pop bands were all the rage for young adolescents. Between learning the foreign language, dancing to the upbeat tunes, memorizing the addictive moves, getting to know the idols and adoring their performances on stage, kids around my age were hyped. We collected posters, photocards, sweaters, streamed music videos on the daily, and practically shared every Facebook post we could see of our idols to our feeds. We were infatuated.

Fandoms hadn't been toxic yet at that point, thank God, and every kid was just glad to be hanging around with friends, listening avidly to the music genre. Eleven year old me was proud to say she made friends here and there through our shared enthusiasm for our K-pop idols. 

It was a memorable phase in my preteen life that I really wouldn't trade for anything else.

BTS became almost like the comfort zone for eleven year old me. Their music helped me cope through all the mental turmoil that had accumulated. I didn't feel alone. Their diverse music paired with the long list of newly found friends I had made, I can say life was better than I could ever ask for. I just didn't realize it at the time.

In the group chat I was fortunately added in, I had connected deeply with friends whom I already attended church with, met people who were staying in the Philippines, and lastly, also met an individual who I never knew would eventually come to be a monumental part of my life.

I also have to admit, I wasn't in the healthiest mind space. I struggled to view things in an alternate, more positive angle. I didn't see the point in the 'ol phrase, '...light shining at the end of the tunnel.'

It would bug me if I saw people sickeningly happy, or when they had what I didn't currently have. I was mean to fellow classmates and friends who didn't deserve it, and I didn't fully understand why either.

I had a phase wherein I was snappy, toxic, and envious. I was desperate for attention. I detested I didn't always have things my way. I hadn't realized that I needed someone to listen attentively to me with no judgement; someone who could comfort me when I couldn't comfort myself.

When I pushed everyone away, there was only one person who didn't give up on me and the potential growth I could foster for myself. She saw me at my worst, but refused to think of me as a child who was beyond fixing. She saw me crying over the littlest problems, and stressing over the mundane tasks. She knew me, inside and out. She comforted me with so much passion and care concealed within her, with hardly any additional questions asked. Sara was there.

All because one person didn't give up on me, I regained the courage to slowly be myself again. I healed my heart from my first ever heartbreak. I became happier and I felt more me once more. Albeit, it took months before any progress emotionally and mentally. Possibly even a year before I got out of the 'hating everyone' phase.

She never seemed overworked, somehow, with all the time she was investing in me. She was present every step of the way. Truly, she was the definition of patience for me. She was like my older sister and close friend all-in-one. What more could I have ever asked for?

I hoped she saw me the same way too. Someone who would also be there for her anytime she needed a friend to confide in. A person who would hype her up when she was feeling down. A friend who would listen to her mindless rambling and not get tired of it, of her. Sara became my person I looked up to immensely since then, and I owe so much of the growth in me to her.