Cut & Abandoned (Lesbian Story)

20

I spent my next couple days mostly in that alley.  I would leave to go to the park bathroom and, usually, cut. I no longer cried about it. Or anything. I felt numb again. I used to feel this way after mom died and regained my feelings again when the abuse from my step dad started and I hated it. This time I won't turn my feelings on again. Not like it would matter anyways.

I talked occasionally with the people that would come through the alley. The guy, Jonny-Dale, who I met the first day, keeps me company. I told him my story and he told me his. He left his home eight years ago, when he was 13, and met his friends. Apparently he hated his parents and sister and decided it was best to leave them. His friends taught him how to steal and fight and he's been with them since. He met them where I sit all those years ago. They took him in- there ages then were 15,18,20, and 26- and cared for him. Of course it's not the best care since they all live in a shit apartment together and spend most there money on drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes.

Jonny-Dale tried to get me to talk with his friends but I wouldn't. The two girls didn't seem to like me already, the younger guy creeped me out, and the older guy just seemed... off. Jonny-Dale looked like someone I would already want to be friends with.

So the next few days he'd meet with me in that same spot. He offered for me to come to their place but I refused. I really don't understand why he wants to befriend me but whatever. That's his choice.

The next day though I said goodbye to him. He asked where I was going and I simply told him 'away'. I walked to the park and took out the old notebook and pen I found there the day before. I ripped out a clean sheet and began to write.

Dear friends,

I love you all so much. You were the best friends that I could have asked for. I don't know what I did to deserve any of you but somehow I got you. And lost you. 

Tara Delany, I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. You were everything I wanted in a girlfriend and it was amazing to have spent that time with you. I'm sorry things had to end the way they did but just know that I loved you the entire time. Your laugh, your smile, how your eyes sparkle when you get to talk about what you want, I loved it all so much. You're the hardest to say goodbye to.

Ray Garren, you were so good to me. You asked me how I felt and actually cared about what I would say. You were funnier and smarter than me by far. I'm sorry I left like that. I didn't have a chance to tell you what happened or why I had to leave. I'm sure that Tara and Hudson explained it to you and I'm just really sorry that I wasn't the one to tell you. I wasn't even able to tell you goodbye.

Hudson Emerson, I don't even know where to begin to tell you sorry. You were the only person who saw the cuts and cared to tell me to stop. And I did for a while, but I couldn't stop forever. You were there to tell me to stay strong and I really appreciate that and I'm sorry that this is how I say thanks. You didn't deserve to have such an awful friend like me. I'm so, so sorry. 

I was never completely honest with any of you. If you want to know about everything, then keep reading. If you'd rather keep your memory of me intact then stop now.

I was so depressed. I tried to hide it and when I met you guys I felt hope again, hope that I had lost a long time ago. But it wasn't enough to keep me going. When I first lost hope was when my mom died when I was 12. When my step dad started to abuse me I started cutting. Later that year I tried to commit suicide by pills and he walked in on me and stopped me. When I was 13 I tried again by hanging myself. He caught me again and told me if I tried again then he would be so much harder on me. I was so scared that he would stop me again and it would get worse that I stopped trying and started smoking. To stop me from ever trying to run away he would put camera's in the house and lock the doors. I managed to be able to break the system when I turned 16 so I could sneak out at night. I made it through all that only by having my plan. When I turned 18 I would run away and go somewhere else where I could finally die without being stopped. I might have done it before though since I figured out how to escape successfully. But then I met you guys.

I'm sorry I never got to say goodbye to any of you. I hope this letter is enough. I love you all now and once I'm dead you can know I loved you. Goodbye forever my dear friends.

Love, Alexandria Anders

I walked to the forest near the park and sat down against a tree. I had with me the liquor I got a few days ago, the pills, and the note. I placed a rock over the note so that I didn't blow away in the time it took for someone to find me.

I downed the pills and the liquor together. I felt fuzzy and everything became so dark.

Tara, Ray, Hudson... I love you so much.