Rigby O'connell |BE

44

Tw: self harm, eating disorder

It's evening.
We're in Amsterdam in a hotel.
We just ate dinner but I didn't.
I couldn't swallow it.

I'm watching a movie with Billie and Claudia and Rose are out somewhere.
I'm not even watching the movie to be honest, but it's Billie's fav, fruitvale station.
"Billie i'm tired.." i said.
"Oh wanna go to ur room?"
"No, I don't wanna sleep alone.."
She wrapped her arms around me and turned off the tv.
I fell a sleep immediately after she wrapped her arms around me.

The next day i woke up because Billie was singing.
"Morning Rigs"
"Morning"
Rose was getting ready, i saw her standing in the bathroom.
Today we're gonna explore the city.
Im excited but exhausted. I had horrible dreams.

"Rig, you moved alot this night, bad dreams already?" Billie said out of the blue
"Sorry.." i said
Tears immediately.
I hate this.
"Hey hey sstt its okay rig"
"I hate the dreams" i said.
"I understand but you're safe there just dreams"
"Yeah uhm im gonna change im my room"
I got up.
"We have to be downstairs in an hour, and its warm outside so don't wear clothes that make it worse"
"Okay" i walked out and walked to my own room.

I got in my room and immediately searched for someone sharp.
I knew i brought a pencil sharpener with me.
I grabbed my backpack and searched for it.
"Where the fuck is it."
I found it.
I tore it apart and placed it on my arm.
I was clean for a long time now, why can't i be strong.
Lot of emotions were running thru my mind
"Don't,no do it, they will notice" but the strongest was "do it, you deserve it"
I do, i deserve it.

I felt the blade go through my skin.
The pain i missed, the pain i've waited for and the pain that feels so incredibly good.
Blood everywhere, but this blood doesn't scare me.
It makes me feel alive.
I repeated my actions till the blood was covering my whole arm.
Normally i regret it, but this time i want to go further and further till my body gives up.

I get in the hot shower and it feels so good.
When i get out i stare to myself in the mirror.
I got the devil in my eyes.
The scars are really deep and very noticeable.
I change into a black hoodie and blue basketball shorts.

Now i really have to go.
I grab my phone and connect my airpods.
'Little dark age is playing'
I say goodmorning to mom,dad,Claudia and Finneas.
Finneas looks concerned.
"It's hot outside you know that right" he said.
"Yeah im cold thats why heh"
"Okay uhm alright"
I nod and walk away.

"We already ate breakfast but you were late, i got you a cinnamon roll" mom said.
"Thanks mom"
I wasn't hungry, well i was but i didn't wanted to eat. It's like an punishment, i hate my self and I don't deserve a cinnamon roll.
Ofcourse Finneas saw me not eating it, he again looked concerned..

"Come on guys we got to go" dad said.
We got in the car and drove to a tulip field.
It was beautiful!
"This shit's crazy" Billie said.
Everyone agreed with her.
"Come on we got to make pictures" Claudia said
We got out of the car and made some pictures.
My head was pounding and spinning.
"Mom I don't feel so good"
"I'll take care of her mom" Finneas said.
Ofcourse he will...

"Rigby? Do you still have your cinnamon roll?"
I do.
"No i ate it?!"
"Don't lie to me right now Rigs"
"Okay I do"
"Eat it" he demanded.
I don't wanna eat it.
"I'm not hungry" i said.
"Sometimes you have to do something you really don't want to, right now you have to eat it for your health, i know you feel like you don't deserve that cinnamon roll  but you and i both know that you need to eat something to feel better, i know it's hard i know its tough but you can do it okay?"
He is so kind.
"Okay.."
"Bite for bite, its all okay if you can't eat all of it