STARGIRL, bellamy blake

51

He had kept his mouth shut, however, because any small part of Astoria's life that he was able to hear about was a gift to him.

"It's only ever left me alone," she continued, and Bellamy looked down for a moment before turning back to the ocean. "It was Murphy who put the idea into my head first. When we were at the dropship, just before Finn turned himself in. He told me that you loved me, and I didn't want to believe him. I didn't want to entertain the idea that our time together had been tainted by love. But, then you tried to tell me yourself. I couldn't let you."

"Why?" he whispered, not even aware he was saying the word until Astoria finally turned to look at him for the first time since he joined her.

She shook her head, scrunching her lips up slightly. "Because loving me is like a curse," she sounded sad, so sad that Bellamy had to fight off his frown. What a horrible thing to hear; that the woman you love thinks the act itself is a curse. "Everything was good," she continued, and she keep her gaze fixed on his eyes. "We were happy, and I was terrified that something was going to go wrong. Terrified that I would hurt you, and I have. We've hurt each other, so horribly. In ways that people who love each other shouldn't. But now I'm just scared that I'm going to die before I can forgive you."

That was the twist of the knife in his heart, and he opened his mouth slightly as though he had something to say. When he couldn't find any words, she turned to leave, but he grabbed her arm softly to stop her. She let him pull her back, and bring them so close her nose was nearly touching his.

"Loving you is not a curse," the words were quiet, and his voice was so delicate she nearly let her forehead rest against his. She nearly let herself forget her anger and sorrow, and just give back into him. "It's the greatest thing I've been able to do in twenty-three years, and I'm going to keep doing it until the day I die."

He hadn't let go of her arm, and he was looking at her in way that made it impossible for her to not believe his words. "You can't love a ghost," she countered.

Bellamy allowed himself to smile, a very small, sad smile. "Then I guess it's a good thing you won't be around to stop me," he whispered, and she found a smile of her own. "No matter how long it takes; I'm here," he took a pause, almost trying to find the will to say the words. "And if you don't forgive me, I'll just have to love you from a far."

When he pressed a kiss to her cheek, leaving his lips on the skin for much too long as though he was afraid once he pulled back he'd never get the chance again, Astoria closed her eyes. He had been this close to her only two days before, but that was different. That was passion, and fire, and anger, pouring out of them in the form of heated kisses and low moans. This... this was just love.

She didn't try to stop him when he took steps away before turning around, heading back inside to find the others. With a shaky breath she twisted and gripped the railing, focusing her eyes on the sea. He definitely wasn't making it any easier to hate him.

When she moved back inside the main building, she found Bellamy, Clarke, and Octavia sat around a small fire and joined them with a deep breath. She sat next to the blonde, not being able to stop herself from meeting Bellamy's eyes for a moment before shaking her head and clearing her throat.

"Where's Jasper?" she questioned them, and Bellamy motioned his head behind her.

Astoria turned and found the younger boy sat with a girl who looked to be his age, looking the happiest she had seen him in a long time. "He's actually smiling," Bellamy joked, and Astoria found a smile of her own. "Clarke," Bellamy's voice made her look to the girl, though she quickly followed her line of sight to where Luna was sat. "Let it go."