Diary of a Random, Cute, Fiesty, (Possibly ADHD) Chick-a-dee

'Cause I'm Forgetful

My all-time best friend Nancy Reilly had lost her virginity last year in 11th grade.

No, it wasn't magical like in movies. No looking up at stars and having a midnight dinner and listening to romantic music

She lost it on her old boyfriend's couch in his den, with his tv on the sports channel.

The Mariners lost that night.

Then she came running to me, cussing a Sailor to shame and screaming about how her vagina 'felt like someone shot it'.

I laughed because she called her vagina 'it'.

.:.:.:.

Booky-dee wasn't my first... Diary, before it was 'Dairy'.

I was ten and didn't know the difference between 'diary' and 'dairy'. So for six months I had been calling my 'diary' milk.

And insulted cows.

Sorry cows.

But I found my Dairy hilarious. 'Cause... Nothing really changed, I was still same ole Phoebe;

3/7/03

Dear Dairy,

Iran's weird, he said he liked me but that's gross cause boys are gross and icky. They smell like germs and stuff.

Whatever germs smell like.

They smell like boys.

Weird.

I said the word 'shit' when my mom wasn't home cause Ali dared me too. I felt nawty.

Is that how you spell it?

I hope my mom doesn't read this cause I said the word 'shit' then I'll have to put my last dollar on the swear jar and I wanna save that dollar.

G2G,

Phoebe.

3/8/03

Dear Dairy,

My mom found out about the bad word and told me to stop writing it and stuff. And she said I couldn't be friends with Ali but I'm going to be friends with her anyways.

I don't have that dollar anymore.

And my hand stings. She hit me on my hand.

Next year I'm going to middle school and then I can get a phone and txt lyk dis, cause I can.

BRB,

Phoebe.

3/17/03

Dear Dairy,

IDK why but my mom laughs every time she reads you. It's weird.

She's weird.

I can't wait until I get better handwriting cause it's messy at the moment.

I learned a new word, it's 'Pina Colada', my mom was singing about it.

Then she made a casserole, but it got burnt.

Was I wrong when I thought, thank God?

It had green stuff in it.

I have to go now cause I'm bored,

TTYL,

Phoebe.

Yeah, but anyways, back to the present.

I don't have anyway to contact Adam or Gabe for that matter.

I forgot my phone at school when I was kidnapped quite rudely and my mom was too lazy to get up and get me another.

Or busy since half my family was here to 'celebrate' about finding me even though they did shit.

Aunt Lola-pop kept coddling me about being traumatized or whatever. She's a 'dancer' at some erotic dancer but we all knew better.

My twin cousins Nina and Lela kept fussing about my hair, they offered to cut my split ins but I said no. No way was I going to trust a couple of ten year olds with scissors anywhere near my neck.

My aunt and uncle Wilma and Fred (that's there real names, no joke) gave me a bone as a get-well present. Last christmas they gave me a purple-dyed dog that was suppose to resemble Dino the pet dinosaur. ASPCA came and took him away because of 'dog abuse'

My other cousin, Luis (his three years younger than me) kept asking if my kidnapper locked me in a basement and if a secret spy had came to rescue me but when he tried to shot Adam, he missed and shot me.

I told him he should join a creative writing class.

Grandpa sat on the shelf beside Mae in a glass vase. I never understood why they dug him a empty grave but cremate him all together. But even if he was alive he wouldn't have said a word to me, he knew I hated when people worried or pitied about me.

Then Nancy came and joined in the family, after dropping a bag full of red and green wrapper-free jolly ranches on my lap; she knew I hated when the wrapper would get stuck to the jolly of a candy.

"Hey Fee," she chirped and plopped down on the floor beside Mae and across from me.

I rolled my eyes, "We were separated from each other and all you can say is 'Hey Fee'? Where's the love? The 'I miss youse'?"

Truth be told I was happy she didn't said she missed me. The line made me want to barf really truly.

"Oh what-the-fluff-ever," she scoffed and rolled her eyes. "My 'love' is in that bag full of sticky candy, now my fingers smell like watermelon and sour apple, thanks."

I beamed and opened up the bag, letting out a girlified squeal.

"Gr, Phoebe, must you blow my ear drums out," Nina huffed as Lela nodded her head in agreement.

"Shush, I haven't had a jolly in weeks, let me enjoy this," I spat and reach into the sweltering bag to grab a sticky red rancher.

Some where, far off, a angel was singing 'hallelujah'.

That was quickly cut off when someone knocked on the door.

"I'll get it," Claudia huffed from the kitchen 'cause she knew known of us would get it. Whadda family we are.

"Jolly good day Ms. Claudia, Ma heard your daughter was here and rushed me over. Prepare to explain why?" A British accented voice asked.

My mom giggled.

Ew.

Curiosity spread across the room as we all grew silent. Two pairs of feet clicked against the hardwood floor until a yummy young man came into view.

Dirty blonde hair, slightly tanned skin and green-blue eyes. Yummy indeed. And to top it off he wore a V-neck sweater that clung to him like a clingy bitch. It showed off the muscles he obviously had. They weren't Kellan Lutz really but still impressive.

"Everyone I would like to introduce Simone," Claudia chirped like a giddy cheerleader. Her eyes met mine and she winked.

Winked.

My mother winked.

Next thing you it she'll be wearing skinny jeans.

Gag.

Then Mr. Yummy- I mean Simone, eyes met mine after I broke contact with Mother Dearest and he smiled making me feel fuzzy on the inside.

"So this must be the famous Phoebe," Simone drawled in his oh-so sexy, British voice. "The photos your Mum showed me did you no justice."

Yeah, 'cause stupid cameras add ten pounds to your face. Stupid idiotic cameras...

Instead of saying that I giggled 'cause it felt right.

Adam who?