Mercenary |BTS JIMIN MERCENARY FF|

137

'I don't care. There is no me without you.' I argue. 'And Yoongi was the one who took you out.'

'Remind me to thank him. I would have killed you.' He mumbled, then exhaled, his fingers gripping me tighter. 'Fuck! I could have killed you.'

'Hey, look at me.' I cupped his face, lifting it up. 'You were wiped away. It was not you. And we are both here now. We're okay.'

He only looked down, closing his eyes tightly shut to take a few deep breaths.

'Did it hurt, what they did to you?'

He shook his head a little, opening his eyes. 'I was out, so I didn't feel a thing. I remember being in a lab with Isui, tied to the chair. He promised he wouldn't touch you, but then he said ''I never said a thing about you'' and I got stabbed in the neck. The thing they injected me with, paralysed me and knocked me out in seconds. And then it felt like I simply woke up like I had every day off my life. It's insanely creepy. But I'll tell you what did hurt.'

He gulped a little at the mere thought, and I just waited patiently for him to keep talking.

'The other night when I fell in this coma or whatever it was. I have never in my ife felt pain like this. Is was beyond excrutiating. I wanted to beg you to kill me.'

By the little bumps forming on his skin, it's obvious that he clearly remembers the pain. And that it scares him.

'I had the same dream as I did until then. You, tortured and me holding a knife. A choice to make. And it is crazy how I knew it was a dream but whenever you would touch me in that dream it felt real. Somehow, I forced myself to kill you in that dream.' A few silent tears ran down his face, and his voice turned a bit deeper. Croacked. 'And as soon as I did I freaked out thinking it was the real you. I cried and tried to wake you up as your image slowly vanished from the dream. And then that unimaginable pain.'

He shuddered again, sniffling a little.

'I could feel you calling my name and shaking me. I even remember Namjoon carrying me to Mabuchi. It was so odd. I felt paralyzed. I was awake, but I wasn't. I could hear and feel everything, but I couldn't open my eyes. It was just... dark.'

'But you did open your eyes.' I caress his face. 'You're here.'

'There is one more thing that happened, that I didn't tell Mabuchi.' He spoke a bit more quietly

'What it is?'

'Before I woke up, I saw you again. It was kind of like a dream, or something. But there were two of you. One was the one I've been seeing so far. Tortured and cut up one. The other you was you now. The one who is alive, and well and always smiling at me.' He was tracing my lip with his thumb as he kept explaining, speaking slowly.

'They both held their hand out for me, but it's like I had to choose who to go with. It was either go with the first you, tortured you, and stay as I was. No memory of the past, but the dreams would stop. Or go with the other you, getting it all back. But to do that, I had to get over what I've done. I had to leave the guilt behind. Forgive myself.'

His voice had gone lower again, and he cleared his throat a bit.

'Maybe I would have woken up earlier, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't forgive myself. I deserve to feel the guilt and the shame.'

'Jimin, please.' I wiped away his tears with absolutely no point. More kept coming, and the water would wash them away anyway. But watching him cry is like looking at a weeping angel. It's the most beautiful, heartbreaking thing to see. 'You do not need to carry that with you. I forgave you long, long time ago. I never held it against you. No one did. Only yourself. You need to let that go.'

'I did.' He cries harder. 'I let it go. And now the guilt I feel is he guilt of forgiving myself for something like that. I only managed to do it because the other you kept telling me that she loved me and that she wants me to be happy. She begged me to do it so I could be with you. I forgave myself for you. Because you kept begging me to. In and out of my dreams.'

'Does it feel any easier to breathe?'

'So much easier.' He exhales, and if I ever heard a sound of a relief, it was this. 'The second I took that hand, the feeling of calmness washed over me. I felt like a boulder was lifted off my heart. I never felt anything like that in my life. But taking that hand was a hard choice. I watched the other you, tortured you, as she smiled sadly at me, still reaching out as if she's trying to hold me, crying out my name. I just left her there. Alone. In suffering. And in the moment I wanted to run back, but the hand was holding me firmly, pulling me towards some doors. And as we walked through, I opened my eyes.'

I guess that was the wave Mabuchi was asking him about. Dreams and subconciousness sure are trippy.

'That was only your guilt you left behind, baby, and you had to do it. I'm happy you did. Whatever you left behind, brought you back to me. So don't feel guilty for doing so.'

He just nodded, sniffling quietly.

'I can't kiss you if you cry, baby.' I tease him a little, using his own words, and I guess it worked as he snorted a little, a smile showing up like the sun, beeming through his tears.

'You're such an idiot.' He kept smiling lightly as he closed the distance, his nose burshing past mine until our lips met. 'But god do I love you.'