whatever happened that night? ➳ makoharu

20 ➳ This Love

**unedited**

A/N:

Haru: We've come a long way from where we began.

Makoto: Before I met you, I never knew what it was like to be able to look at someone and smile for no reason.

"Haru, oh gosh, you're okay!" His arms curled around my body and embraced me tightly, until I could barely whiff another breath. "I was so worried about you, and Rin was so mad but I knew you'd come, I knew it."

"I didn't come here to attend the carnival." I clenched my fists and jaw before slowly pushing his arms off of me. "I came here to apologize."

"You're kidding," Rin interrupted. "Are you fucking serious?"

"You guys, you can go onto the carnival without me. I need to talk to Makoto one-on-one." From out of the corner of my eye I saw Nagisa's head lean onto Rei's shoulder and he whispered, "Haru-chan. . . . ."

"We're not leaving until you start talking," Rei declared, stepping forward. "Haruka-senpai, we agreed to spend this night together as friends and we're not going to leave you here." They had all planted their feet into the grass and were ready to stand their ground.

"Please," I begged. "Just leave. Makoto will meet up with you guys later."

"What do you mean?" Makoto intervened. "You're not coming with-"

"I told you I didn't come here to attend the carnival!" I shouted, giving him a full-out glare. I quickly quieted down and brushed tears out of my eyes. "Sorry. I'm really fucked up aren't I?"

"Stop apologizing," Makoto said. "Just stop."

"Makoto, it's okay," Rin started, touching his shoulder.

"No! It's not! Why are you always so sorry about everything you do? You don't have to keep apologizing like everything is your fault!" He grabbed my hands and closed his eyes, his lips trembling with frustration. "You don't have to deal with this shit all of by yourself. We're here for you. Why can't you ever understand that you're never alone! You'll always have us." Our eyes met and I swear, he was just about ready to break out into an endless wave of tears. "I can't fix all of your problems but I can promise you won't have to face them all alone." What am I supposed to say now? I took a deep breath and shut my eyes, preparing to speak the truth.

"I have a swim meet that I need to be at. I didn't know how to tell you that the meet and our carnival were on the same day. You have no idea how badly I wanted to tell you, how badly I longed for you to know the veracity I'd been hiding all along." I inhaled another deep breath and calmed myself from spilling any more worthless tears. "I love you, and I did it to protect you."

"Keeping secrets isn't protecting me!" He shot back. "I care about you! How many times do I have to say it to get you to understand that you're not alone!" He staggered forward and snatched the collar of my jacket into his hands, shaking my back and forth. "I will be here for you when you need a shoulder to cry on, when you need someone to punch, and when you are ready to die; I will be by your side." His eyes were shining with resentment and I bit my lip, restlessly.

"I have someplace I need to be," I began, pulling away from him. "Please, let me go."

"No."

"Makoto."

"I'm not going to lose you, Haru, you can't do this to us. To me."

"You can't lose someone who's already lost himself." And with those words, I immediately regretted everything that I had said up until now. It was like I had come to myself again, like I'd disappeared in the vast expanse of things I'd never meant. The tears showed themselves once again, but this time they weren't going to stop any time soon. I laughed to myself through all of this and beamed at him. "I don't even know what I'm saying anymore."