Carolina Wren

Chapter 54

Wren's POV

Having the kids out of my sight was physically painful. Digging into those memories, dragging some of the worst moments of my life back up to the surface, had parts of myself that I usually kept under control by having strict rules for the kids flaring back to life. My lungs couldn't expand, I couldn't breathe from fear for them, fear of what may have happened in a moment where I had dared to blink. Every time the door squeaked when one of the guys came in, I jumped. Every time Dylan or Keegan left the room, my heart raced with trepidation. Leaving them at their schools Friday morning made me sweat.

I don't think I slept at all. Even though Mr. Blackbourne had been true to his word, I watched the door to my room all night. Every time one of the guys who had stayed over spoke, I had to strain to hear so I could identify who it was. Silas—he was scary if you saw him without knowing him, but he was too gentle to harm us. Nathan—he was more likely to defend us than turn his fists on us. Kota—he was getting ready to go home and when we needed him the most, he hadn't questioned his own safety for a moment before he'd done everything he could to keep us safe.

Keeping my eyes open during class was a struggle. I'm pretty sure I dozed off during Japanese and Sean didn't have the heart to wake me up. Shame constricted my chest every time I saw him or Mr. Blackbourne all day. I'd never intended for anyone to know about those parts of me. They may not have asked for details, but they knew more than anyone else. They knew too much.

They had left before I showered, so they didn't know that I'd spent twice as long as usual under scalding hot water, trying to scrub off the ghost of how dirty I had felt. My hands against my face had been so rough that soap had gotten into my mouth. The thought that any of the kids had ever felt that way nearly had me throwing up. Might have if I'd been able to eat more than a few bites of dinner.

They're safe, they're safe, they're safe.

It was like a metronome, beating in time with the second hand on the clock. Over and over in my head to get me through the day.

They're safe, they're safe, they're safe.

I repeated it over and over in my head as I picked them up after school, holding them tighter in my arms for longer than usual. As I carried Juni inside while the boys tumbled through the door, leaving their shoes in a pile before they raced off to go play with their new toys. As I fought to keep from asking them to come play in the kitchen so I could see them while I cooked.

The delicious smells coming from the oven had Dylan finding his way into the kitchen, anyway, his nose in the air like a cartoon character as he sniffed. When I pulled the tray out of the oven, he stuck his head over the counter and immediately wrinkled his nose. "What's that green stuff on the chicken?"

"It's pesto baked onto chicken with parmesan on top," I told him. He's always struggled with new things, foods he's never tasted, and it had gotten worse in the past week. I hated letting things go to waste, though, and the container had been taking up space in the fridge. "Sean bought it for us. It has basil, garlic, nuts, I think some cheese, and olive oil."

"I don't like pesto." He stated it with such finality. Certainty cemented in infallible stone.

He's never seen pesto in his entire life. I've never even eaten pesto before tonight. "You don't have to eat it. You can scrape off the parts you don't like, or you can just eat the pasta and veggies. Can you please go tell the others that dinner is ready?"

Within a few minutes, the kitchen is bustling as the guys come in to thank me for cooking dinner and make their plates. Kota had to eat dinner with his mom and sister, I hadn't seen North and Silas since before the final bell, and Victor's presence had been demanded at home before an event, but Luke, Gabe, and Nathan had come home with us from school. Between the three of them and the boys, the living room had sounded like a war zone while I cooked. Juni had been with me in her pack n play, away from the mayhem, but I'd heard constant laughter, screaming, and cries of pretend agony almost constantly.