And Then We Fell Apart (18+)

chapter 18

Sam is cruel.

Despite him telling me we should just be friends, his touches tell me something different. They tell me he wants me still, that he never stopped, that he can't keep his hands off of me.

As much as I'd like to recoil or push him away, I can't. I'll take what I can get from him, and I think he knows that.

He's very, very cruel.

Junior year ends and it's finally summer. I'm hopeful this will turn my mood around and pull me from the vicious, thick fog that has taken over my entire life for the last couple of months. This is a haze I don't want to live in. It's suffocating and debilitating.

I've lost another five pounds since the last fifteen. This isn't intentional, honestly. The lack of appetite is driven by Sam's lack of desire for me.

I'd never tell him that, though. I think it would kill him.

No matter how badly he hurts me, I'd never dare to inflict that same pain on him.

As a desperate attempt to feel something more than I've felt in so long, I force myself out of bed on the very first day of summer and pull on my bathing suit. I notice immediately that I have to tighten the straps, which already makes me feel better. Thinner.

Even as I go to the mirror, I'm not entirely upset at what's before me.

She's a little more frail than I would have liked. But she's also pale, so maybe a little time in the sun will take away from the obvious thinness. I suddenly start to worry if it's too much, but I leave my room before I let my insecurities ruin the day.

I'm happy to see Noah and Bennett in Sam's backyard when I make it outside. I like when they're around, because Sam isn't as touchy with me. The torment stops until they leave, and then it starts back up again.

We're seventeen now.

My friends don't look like they did when I first met them. They're all much taller than me with muscled arms and defined jawlines. I remember the days when our arms were all the same size.

And while they don't look the same, neither do I. I know that despite my thinness, my body is less child-like and more woman-like. Sam notices, and I see him looking at my body subtly when I make it to them.

Rather than basking in it, I kind of want to hide.

We start toward the water and while Noah and Bennett run ahead like they're fifteen still, Sam walks with me. In normal Sam fashion, he nudges his bare arm with mine. It's yet another cruel reminder that I can't touch him without wanting more from him, yet he can touch me and feel absolutely nothing.

"You look pretty," he says to me.

Sam is more forward since we kissed. He really leans into the whole we'll find our way back to each other thing, which is entirely unfair. He talks to me like he wants to be with me, yet he doesn't want to be with me.

It really does a number on my head.

"Thanks," I say quietly, not daring to look at him. I know I'll melt at the sight, so it's better if I don't look at all.

"Want to smoke and go get ice cream later?" he asks when he realizes I'm not entertaining his advances. I never do.

I didn't eat breakfast today. And if I can manage to skip lunch and dinner without Sam noticing, I should be okay to have a milkshake.

All I do is nod and toss my beach towel on the ground with everyone else's things. I leave him behind and go into the water with my other friends, knowing we planned to hold our breath under water to commence summer of 2006.