And Then We Fell Apart (18+)

chapter 19

I give it a shot despite my several pleas not to.

Sam sits in my room with me while I get ready, dread taking over every inch of my body as I carelessly put makeup on.

"Where's Alex taking you?" he asks, laying on his stomach on my bed.

I bite the skin on the inside of my lip as I swipe mascara over my eyelashes across the room in front of my mirror. "Movies."

"Lame."

"Yup."

I'm a little annoyed with Sam. It's not even because he told me I should date other people, it's that he pushed me to go on a date with someone who my friends collectively refer to as a predator. I know he thinks Alex is harmless, but still. I don't want to go.

"What're you seeing?" he asks to keep the conversation light.

I shrug. "Some scary movie. Doesn't matter."

"Hm," he nods, tracing his index finger over my comforter. "Are you nervous?"

"About the movie or the date?"

"Both."

Again, I shrug. "I just want to get it over with."

"You don't want to go?" He sounds surprised.

No, Sam. I don't. What part about "I want you" do you not understand?

Instead of saying that, I just shake my head. I don't feel like bringing up my feelings yet again. "No. Not really."

"Well, don't then," he shrugs carelessly.

I exhale deeply, throwing my mascara on my vanity surface. "Well, it's too late now, isn't it?"

I don't mean to snap at him. I'm tired. I haven't eaten anything yet today. My head hurts. And I really, really don't want to go on a date with a twenty-two year old.

My eyes find him in my mirror and I sulk. "I'm sorry," I change my tone. "I just— I don't want to—"

"Chandler, if you don't want to go, don't go," he shrugs, brushing off my sourness. He knows I don't mean it. "Just cancel."

Again, I sigh. "I can't. That would be mean, especially since he's picking me up in, like—" I look over at my digital clock. "Ten minutes."

"I didn't know you didn't want to go so bad, otherwise I would've told Stella to fuck off for you."

"I thought I made it pretty obvious I don't like him," I turn in my chair.

"You kissed him, Chandler. It wasn't that obvious."

"I kissed him because I was mad at you for rejecting me."

He sighs next, his eyes flashing with defeat. He remembers that day just as clearly as I do. It hurt us both more than we've ever openly admitted.

We sit in silence again for a minute, my brain telling me to say the next thing on my mind. I know it'll make things a little more tense between us, but maybe it'll work in my favor.

Maybe he'll be ready for me now. After all, he did tell me that he'd have sex with me if I asked.

"And you said you didn't want to take my first kiss from me and my first time having sex. So I figured if I kissed him, you would maybe be okay with us sleeping together. Not to get it out of the way or get it over with, but because that's what I wanted."

The words that leave my mouth are slow and pointed. If there's one good thing about whatever it is between Sam and I, it's that we can be honest now without scaring the other one away. And that's exactly what I am, honest.