AFTER DARK | Johan Liebert

Chapter 34: Worthy of love

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"Johan."

He winced, facing me again.

"What's wrong?"

He seemed to be caught off guard by my direct question. Then, he smiled again, but so painfully that it made even me feel uneasy. "I guess I couldn't hide it." Within a second, his smile faded, and he faced me, looking directly into my eyes.

"There's something I need to talk to you about."

His tone made it clear that it wasn't going to be a happy conversation. Confused, I tried to find a glimpse of something in his eyes that would tell me what he was alluding to.

"... About what?", I asked quietly.

"... About us."

I felt a stab in my heart. So that's what he's been thinking about so much... I felt the fear rising inside of me.

"You know, Klara... we've had a good time. We made so many memories together, and we've only known each other for four months... I have to say it has been the best time of my life. I have never felt happier than now. But..."

He made a short pause, observing the river. His eyes looked so sad, so exhausted...

"I know that you enjoy my company, and I enjoy yours, too. But you... you don't know me. I may have told you some things about my past here and there, and I might have told you some anecdotes from my life to see you laugh, but what really happened in my past is much darker than this. I don't want it to be a part of me anymore, but I can't guarantee that it will go away. After all, I've spent the biggest part of my life under these conditions, in my own vacuum... so it shaped who I am today. There's a reason why I don't have contact to my mother, my twin sister and all the other people from my life. If you only knew..." He held his hand against his forehead. "What I did in the past is terrible. So terrible that I don't want to tell anyone, not even you. You remember when I told you I was shot in the head twice, right? I totally deserved it."

Seeing him like this made me feel uneasy. I wanted to tell him something, but I couldn't get my mouth open. He continued.

"When we started building our friendship, I'd never thought we'd get to this point. And when I wanted to break contact with you, I had the same concerns as today. Though I have to admit... when you told me not to leave, I felt quite happy, in a way. It was the first time in my life someone needed me."

"And then, when you fell ill, I was glad I could help you out. I tried my best to make soup for you, and I have to admit it was quite funny hearing you sing to Michael Jackson." He smiled again, but it was a sad smile, as he stared into nothing. I just looked at him, listening to his words, unable to say anything. His words caused such pain inside of me, it was unbearable.

"You did so much for me, Klara. You took me to the motto party, you looked out for me, tried your best to make me feel at home, gave me a feeling of family... I genuinely appreciate it. No one has done this for me before. You even introduced your own family to me, though you hadn't seen them in almost a decade... I don't know how to return everything you did for me."

With every sentence he said, he looked more and more numb. It plagued me so much to see him like this, to see him taking off his happy and polite facade to show me how he was truly feeling.

"You can't believe how much I missed you the last weeks. As you said before, it felt like eternity. I'm so happy when I'm with you, but the last times we've met, I really had to hold myself back. I want to make you happy, to see you smile. Especially after what happened to you in your last relationship. I want to make it better, because you deserve it. But I wonder whether I do."

He finally looked at me, his eyes so dull and hopeless. "I am so twisted, Klara. Really, if you only knew... you'd run away. I'm not who you think I am. I did so many horrible things that I can never make up for it. When I'm with you, I'm too happy - it shouldn't be like this. Do I..."

He stopped for a moment.

"Do I deserve being happy?"

My heart was racing because I was overwhelmed by his words. I was moved by the kind things he said about me, but at the same time, it hurt so much to see him talking about himself this way. I didn't answer for a while, trying to find the right words to say.

"Johan..."

I stood up from the wall, my feet meeting the ground. I turned towards him, though it was hard to look into his eyes right now.

"I appreciate you talking so highly about me. But you did a lot for me, too, you know..."

Carefully, I placed my hand on his, smiling at him.

"You made my life so much better. You made me laugh so often, you helped me when I was ill, you cooked Borscht for me, you listened to my problems... I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I don't want you to leave. You don't have to tell me what happened in your past, just let it stay where it belongs. I've got to know you, and the Johan I know is kind, considerate and endearing. I know this side of yours is true, and that you've never lied to me. You've comforted me when I was at my lowest, and you're always looking out for me, though you're fighting with yourself."

His eyes widened. "You noticed?"

"I did. You never told me until now, but I read between the lines. If you were a bad person, you wouldn't even try to change, right? Isn't that proof enough?" He stood up from the wall, standing eye to eye in front of me.

"I think after all that happened with my ex boyfriend and my family, I can finally close this chapter... and start a new one with you. And you deserve it too, Johan. Everyone deserves a second chance! I told you, remember? You can always seek forgiveness. It's never too late to make things right. You can't change the past, what you did to others and what they did to you. But you can change your future and live a happy life. You deserve it! You're the kindest person I've ever met. So don't worry about dragging me into something dark, because that won't happen. You're good as you are, and you are worthy of love."

The next seconds, there was silence. The breeze stopped, and Johan just looked at me, not saying anything. But then, the numbness in his eyes dissolved, as if he eventually understood my words. A quiet, small tear ran down his cheek as he stood there in silence, looking at me with a mixture of relief and sadness. I was shocked to see him so emotional, but at peace since my words reached him. Slowly, I raised my hand towards his face, laying it on his cheek, wiping his tear away with a faint smile. He was warm and I could feel he was slightly shaking. We just stood there, no one around us, just having each other. Carefully, Johan laid his hand on mine, looking deeply into my eyes as he lowered my hand from his cheek. Not letting go of my hand, he was still looking at me with his ocean eyes, slowly leaning in. My heart was racing, but I didn't resist. He laid his lips on mine, softly, barely touching each other, almost like a first kiss between two teenagers. It was only a short moment, yet such a revelation. After the kiss, Johan looked at me with so much affection, something I'd never experienced before. I just stood there, smiling warmly. He couldn't help but grin out of happiness, still looking deeply into my eyes. Until we burst into a quiet giggle.

Seeing Johan so happy made me grin even more. I could see another tear leaving his eye. "Oh, I'm sorry." Shyly, but still giggling, he wiped it away. I stared at him in affection. He was grinning happily like a child, so innocent, so wholesome... I wanted to give him the world if I could. Slowly, I walked towards him, pulling him into a tight embrace. I never wanted him to leave. He laid his arms around me, hugging me tightly. As I buried my face in his chest, he leaned his face towards my head, giving me a small kiss on my head.

"I love you."