AFTER DARK | Johan Liebert

Chapter 15: Alternate Ending

I was falling into the dark, voices echoing.

"I'd love to."

It was my own voice. My vision was blurry and I couldn't see anything - until I found myself in my car, driving home from Hamburg. It was Saturday, the day after I had brought Klara back home due to her sickness.

And I was on my way to her. She had called me, asking whether I wanted to come over. She couldn't eat all the soup alone, she said. I slipped my hand beneath my suit and felt something. It was there.

She was happy to see me. We ate the soup together, talking about pointless things. Then, she went into the shower. As she opened the bathroom door, I noticed a CD player next to the sink. But today, she didn't use it. Probably because I was around.

When she left she shower and dried her hair, she came back to the living room, sitting down on the sofa. "Thank you for being here, Johan." I smiled at her, just like I always did. "Of course. Did no one else visit you?" "No, my family lives in southern Germany", she answered. I nodded, because I knew. "Right, you told me about that. I forgot for a moment." I made a short pause. "Would your mother have visited you if she knew you're ill?" Klara shrugged. "I don't know. She would have called, at least." "But from what I heard from you, she doesn't seem to care about you a lot." She frowned. "No. I know she loves me. She just... can't express it like most mothers can."

"Don't lie to yourself, Klara."

Her eyes widened slightly as she looked at me in confusion.

"You said you have a little brother, right? She must be caring for him very much. He even stayed home and went to university nearby, while you escaped to Hamburg." I looked at her with a cold glare. "Tell me, when has she last visited you?" She opened her mouth, but I stopped her. "She never did, right? As for your father... he loved his cassette recorder more than his own family. He was never there for you."

She stared at me, holding her arms around her upper body as if she was cold. She wasn't able to say anything.

"Poor Klara. Admittedly, I sympathise with you. You see, when I was young, my mother left me as well. And that's when I realised that being born is not something special. She left just like that, and she didn't care about my well-being. I know too well how you feel."

"No!" She stood up, facing me with tears eyes. "My mother didn't have an easy life. That doesn't justify how she's been treating me, but... But I don't want to be stuck in the past! I want to forgive her."

"Will it change anything?"

"Huh?"

"You will keep on living as if it doesn't bother you anymore, but deep inside, you will still be lonely. So lonely. Left by your mother, left by your father, and left by your ex. There is no such thing as unconditional love. You will try to find it and always fail. Look at how miserable you are. Now, you've met me, and you've seen something of me you shouldn't have."

Her knees were shaking and she fell to the ground, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Why are you doing this to me?" "I didn't do anything. You did this to yourself." I reached out for the object beneath my suit jacket. Then, I put the gun to her forehead. She was shivering, not looking up.

"I'll have mercy with you and make it short. If it weren't you, I might have given you the gun instead to have you end it yourself."

BOOM.

I opened my eyes wide as I woke up, gasping. Slowly, I started breathing in a normal pace again, and sat up to look around. I was in my bedroom, and it was Sunday, 4 AM. What a strange time to be awake...

This nightmare terrified me. Why did I dream that? Would this have been Klara's ending if I was my old self? Or was I pretending to be someone new? I remembered the feeling when she asked me to come over. I couldn't describe it, but I'd been so anxious and excited at the same time. Would I have been able to shoot her, just like I used to kill everyone who knew of my existence? Would I return to being a nameless monster?

I remembered how she laid her hand on mine, how relieved she was to see me... and how relieved I was to see her. I was still panting, holding on to my heart. No. I wouldn't to go back to what I used to be. I wanted to be human for good. The only question was - could I?